Content warning: mentions of sexual assault
2025. A new year. It feels like I have a clean slate, and I was going to get the year rolling with a snarky rant akin to last January’s post about encounters with people on the outside who should be on the inside. Instead, something happened that made me pivot to a much more serious matter.
In the closing days of December, something caught my eye as I scrolled Instagram. It couldn’t not have, not when the title of the post was, and I quote, “FYI: THEY HAVE GROUP CHATS ABOUT HOW TO RAPE US. YES, REALLY.” It was a collaborative post between Instagram activism page The Progressivists and one of their cofounders Jo Lorenz. I read the caption and then clicked the Substack link in The Progressivists’ Instagram bio to read the expanded article of the same name.
The gist of the story: a German investigation revealed a forum on Telegram revolving around sexual assault: how to commit it, bragging about it, sharing stories about assaulting partners, sisters, mothers, and wives. How many users do you think this forum had? Whatever the number is, go higher.
Higher than that.
Higher than that.
Ready? If you’re not sitting, take a seat.
70,000 users. 70,000 men subscribed to an online space where the most horrifying, inhumane discussions are a regular occurrence.
What horrified me even more was that Jo Lorenz clocked me, correctly predicting the reaction I was going to have as I had it and then raking me over the coals for it:
a disturbing number of men’s first instinct when they read news like this is to defend their reputation.
“Well, I would never —”
Cool f—ing story, bro. But this isn’t about you.
…Remember that horrific French case where the man sedated his own wife and offered her to other men online? [Noah’s note: she’s referring to the case of Dominique Pelicot, a French man who from 2011 to 2020 regularly drugged his wife Gisèle into unconsciousness and invited local men to join him in gang raping her. The French courts hit him with a twenty-year sentence in December 2024.] Fifty men were found guilty. Fifty. That’s not a few bad apples—that’s an orchard of male toxic-rot.
“But I’m not like that!” men protest, adjusting their metaphorical halos as they grab their crotches.
Cool.
So, what are you like then, David? What are you doing about it? [emphasis mine]
…This is why we say all f—ing men. Because even the ones who *aren’t* actively participating in violence *are* often actively participating in silence.
In reading the Instagram post and Lorenz’s article, my first thought had, in fact, been, “I would never do something like that!” followed by a wince and a cringe when Lorenz predicted my kneejerk reaction.
I’m not writing what I’m about to write to win “woke points” or make women fawn over how feminist I am. Considering how many high-profile “male feminists” have been outed as wolves in sheep’s clothing, I’m not comfortable even calling myself a feminist. I say it with the genuine hope that maybe someone unsure about leaving this forum reads this, and that’s their tipping point towards seeing themselves out.
Dear 70,000 men in this Telegram forum,
Despite my heading, I’m not writing to all of you because you aren’t a monolith. I imagine different members joined this group for different reasons. Some of you are voyeurs who get a sexual thrill from gropes and hidden cameras in shower stalls. Some of you are sadists who rape and assault (or fantasize about such) not for gratification, but because women’s fear is like a drug to you. Some of you are plain old misogynists: you view women as a set of body parts that make you feel good if you do certain things to them or as a lesser race meant to serve men. Some of you are incels who decided to have a sex life whether your “partners” consented or not. I’m not writing to you lot.
I’m writing to the people for whom this exposé is acting as a moment of reflection.
The sad truth is, as my teachers used to say, a lot of you aren’t sorry your online activities have been exposed because of remorse, you’re “sorry” because you got caught. Assuming you don’t see the inside of a court of law or your name on a sex offender registry (or even if one or both of those happen) some of you will wipe your presence on this forum and then find a brand new online space to confer with your fellow deviants. Some. Hopefully not all.
I’m writing to those of you who are leaving this space and not looking back and those of you considering it. I’m doing it for a couple of reasons. Number one, because my faith and my personality make me believe that no one is truly irredeemable. Number two, as many women have attested, a lot of men are more willing to hear out a change of course in behavior if another man or men presents it to them. Maybe I can have a heart to heart with you in a way that your sister or your female cousin can’t.
And number three: but for a couple of different decisions, I could be you.
You and I likely heard or were taught the same things about masculinity growing up. Boys don’t cry. Feelings are feminine. Women want jerks, not guys who will treat them right. Until you’ve had sex, you can’t truly call yourself a man.
Back in high school, I stumbled across My Twisted World, the autobiographical manifesto Elliot Rodger wrote before going on a murder-suicide spree through Isla Vista, California. I read it in its entirety out of morbid curiosity and went on an emotional rollercoaster. I felt disgust at Rodger’s entitlement, disbelief in some of the ways he lashed out at the world—throwing coffee at women who didn’t smile at him and spraying a group of people hanging out in a park with a water gun he’d filled with orange juice—anger near the end when he laid out the plans that would result in the senseless deaths of six people and Rodger’s suicide. And amidst my feelings, there was also…pity? As well as…sympathy?
Hidden deep behind the racism and the misogyny, beneath the rage and the narcissism, I saw a hurting, lonely young man, a guy who hated the very skin he was in because it wasn’t purely white, a man who admitted to struggling with mental illness.
And I saw…a little bit of myself. In fact, as I got older, I saw more parallels between Rodger and myself. He and I are/were both on the autistic spectrum. I understood Rodger’s bashfulness around women, his desire to be in a relationship, and his jealousy towards more confident men because I felt the same exact things. That was in high school. Then college happened.
My first semester was awful, bad enough that I considered dropping out. Amidst my struggling to stay afloat day to day, poor performance in my classes, and trying to get my feet under me socially, being single when I really really didn’t want to be was like icing on the cake. And I’ll admit, in my social floundering, my isolation, and my perception of being invisible to women, some of the darkest thoughts I’ve ever had brewed in my brain.
As college went on and my class load and social life smoothed out, those dark thoughts faded away, becoming a dirty secret. Even though I was in a better headspace, I remained single, and it started to eat at me in different ways. Sometimes I felt like I was physically lacking something, like my body was a puzzle and the pieces that made me relationship material were missing. Sometimes I felt like I stood in front of a whiteboard, trying to solve an equation that everyone around me had solved long ago. I attended a predominantly white institution (PWI). Sometimes, I’d look at myself in the mirror and wonder if my brown skin was the real difference between me and my friends in relationships, not my social skills or my confidence.
I tell you and the world this to confess: in a different world, with a few different decisions made and a few dark impulses obliged, I could see myself in the kind of forum you’re trying to leave. I understand the toxic ideas that made Elliot Rodger go on a killing spree and may have drawn you into this forum, because I labor under them too. I understand you, my brother. I can never approve of your actions up to this point, but I understand to an extent how you’ve reached the point you are at.
Let me tell you, brother: it’s not a relationship, a partner or sex you are looking for. You want human connection.
Let me be presumptuous for a moment. I assume you’re not someone with many close friends. Your family isn’t very close either. Maybe you haven’t even done the criminal things some of your forum mates have. You joined this forum because it is a space where people understand you, where you can connect with other men in the same boat as you, maybe find a mentor. It’s a place where you can shout your frustrations and have people shout along with you, or pat you on the back, or give you someone or something to blame for the way your life has ended up.
You can find the connection you’re looking for elsewhere, brother—in church, in therapy, at the gym. In a new interest I encourage you to seek out: a sports team, a book club, a cooking class. I know from personal experience that putting yourself out in the world can be intimidating, but I promise you brother, finding your people makes it so worth it.
As intimidating as seeking friends and connections out are, I hate to say it, but that’s the easy part. The tough part is twofold.
First off, you need to realize you are a man. That may sound ridiculous, but then again, so are the standards of masculinity you and I labor under. Look at the ways you can supposedly lose your “man card.” Buying a cocktail in a bar rather than a beer or whiskey. What you wear. What car you drive. Talking about your feelings. Being openly affectionate to your partner. Not having sex, as you’ve no doubt heard expressed all kinds of ways in this forum. I need you to realize, brother, that masculinity—the real deal—isn’t a driver’s license or a club membership, something that can be revoked if you don’t meet certain requirements. You are man enough, brother. You don’t need to cling to the fragile masculinity this forum runs on. You’re a man if you don’t have a different woman in your bed every night. You’re man enough if you’re single. You’re man enough if you’re a virgin. You are man enough no matter the color of your skin. This is no easy feat, letting go of these toxic beliefs forced upon you that you’ve come to embrace, but it’s a necessary step.
I hope my reassurances have comforted you, brother, because now we come to the part that will be hardest for you. You need to be an ally to women. A true ally.
Making another assumption, I’m guessing you shifted uncomfortably in your seat a second ago. The forum you’re leaving and other similar spaces treat feminism, or anything that sounds like it, as taboo. I’m not asking you to declare yourself a feminist to anyone who will listen, because too many women have bad experiences with self-proclaimed male feminists who wormed their way into women’s spaces by talking the talk and left a trail of victims before being cast out. In fact, I think a good way to motivate your allyship is self-interest. You’re looking for connection. Do you know the main reason women are reluctant to make connections, platonic or romantic, with men?
Men.
I’m not going to pretend there are no violent women in this world, but violence against women is by and large committed by men. And the thing is, brother, women are already taking a variety of measures to safely move through the world. They’ve established whisper networks to keep each other wary of dangerous men. They take self-defense courses, buy pepper spray, walk to their cars with their keys between their knuckles, cover their drinks in bars and at parties. Only when men step up and police other men’s misogynistic attitudes and behavior can women stop moving through the world automatically on the defense. When women aren’t always looking over their shoulder or wondering if someone will hear them scream for help, human connection will come with their relief.
I want you to consider something, brother. Around the globe, it is estimated that one in three women have experienced sexual violence, whether in the form of domestic violence, sexual assault or rape, stalking, or sexual harrassment. The next time you’re out in public, count how many women you pass by. For every three of them, one has experienced sexual violence. You may know some of their assailants and abusers. Even if you don’t, the time you’ve spent in this forum has provided you incontrovertible evidence of how awfully men can treat women.
Have you found it difficult to connect with women? It’s because of predatory men. Any woman who meets you has to wonder if you’ll get violent if they reject you, or if you’ll follow them home, or if you’re a rapist looking for his next victim, or if you’re an acolyte of one of the misogyny gods like Andrew Tate or Fresh and Fit.
This is a problem bad men created, brother, and it’s the job of good men to solve it.
No one, male or female, is asking you to be Superman, swooping in to slap away every unwelcome hand or scare off every guy who won’t take a woman’s no for an answer. But women are asking you to shut down locker room talk, to tell guys who make rape jokes they’re not funny, to believe women who do the ultimate act of vulnerability and open up about their experiences with sexual violence, to use your male privilege to fight misogyny and violence against women in ways women can’t.
You—we—have a long path ahead, brother. I hope the life you’ve been looking for and a better world for men and women alike waits for you at the end of it.
I send you off with a paraphrase of a quote from one of my favorite video games, 2018’s God of War: you will be the man you choose to be, not the man who joined this forum. Who you were isn’t who you have to be. You can be better.
Be better, brother.
I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Noah Keene

Noah Keene graduated from Calvin University in December 2021 with a major in creative writing and a minor in Spanish. He currently resides in his hometown of Detroit, Michigan. He spends his free time reading and putting his major to good use by working on his first novel. See what he’s reading by following him on Instagram @peachykeenebooks and read his other personal writing by going to thekeenechronicles.com.