Happy new year! Let’s start the year off with me talking about people I met who had brushes (or rather, running tackles) with the law.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve met someone weird and later found that weirdness was related to criminality, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. Anyway, legal disclaimer: I hope I never see either of these people again, but because the Internet has further reach than I ever will as a person, names have been changed to keep me from coming in contact with these people via their lawyers.
Criminal Number One: “Kai”
During my ninth and final semester at Calvin, I found work at a Starbucks near campus. I had a lot of regular customers: Leona, who always had a black coffee and a piece of banana nut bread; Ella with her coffee frappuccino; Don, the Australian construction worker with his double smoked bacon egg and cheese sandwiches, etc. But it wasn’t until I started working the closing shift that I met Kai.
Kai always came in late in my shift carrying a gym bag, sat down in the cafe and ordered a cup of ice. One night, he ordered his trademark cup of ice, but also started a conversation. I was closing the kiosk down, but I was ahead of schedule, so I engaged Kai in conversation.
Mistake.
Kai had a fixation on race. He wanted to talk politics, but he was more focused on the races of different politicians: Rashida Tlaib’s Palestinian background, Kamala Harris’s South Asian heritage, etc. I shut the conversation down when he called Bernie Sanders and Chuck Schumer an antisemitic slur. I wrote him off as weird, but possibly a member of the notoriously weird and race-obsessed Nation of Islam.
The following week, my manager called a staff meeting. During the meeting, she praised how fast I was learning and the rapport I had with customers, tagging the compliments with “even Kai has good things to say.” I asked her what that meant.
That’s how I found out that Kai is a registered sex offender who served eighteen months for groping teenage girls. My manager found this out when one of his victims came to order coffee, saw Kai sitting in the café, and had a nervous breakdown. In addition, everything Kai had told me about himself (he went to Howard, was thinking about moving back to the East Coast) were lies, and she voiced her suspicion that he always took a window seat to check out any kids who came to the shop to buy drinks.
Thankfully, I only saw Kai one more time, where he of course made weird comments about the Chinese restaurant on the other side of the parking lot and then walked out of my life. Onto the next bozo.
Criminal Number Two: “Thomas Antonio Inglewood”
There are two types of people who rub me the wrong way: people who can’t take a hint, and people who talk to hear their own voice. Thomas Antonio Inglewood was both.
I got on the bus after work one night with my earbuds in, sat down without speaking or looking at any other passengers, and started playing a game on my phone. Anyone who understands how humans work would think, “This guy doesn’t want to have a conversation” and leave me alone. Thomas Antonio Inglewood doesn’t understand how humans work and started grilling me about the book in my lap. I answered his question and put my earbuds back in. He asked me another question. I answered his question and put my earbuds back in. He talked to me again, and I gave up and took my headphones out. Something about the guy made me think, “This guy might follow me home if I ignore him,” so I figured listening to whatever drivel this guy had to say reduced the chances I’d have to use my pepper spray.
To the surprise of no one, this dude talked about nothing. At some point, he told me his full name and said I should Google him, which I didn’t do because I’m normal. He then said that Kym Worthy (Detroit’s county prosecutor) did him wrong. Mercifully, he got off several stops before I did, and the bus got noticeably quieter once he left.
I got home and blew it off as the latest in the series of weirdos I’ve met while taking public transit and one more reason to sign up for driving lessons. The next day, curiosity got the best of me and I typed Thomas Antonio Inglewood’s name into Google.
Turns out my paranoia about being followed home was justified, but a little off the mark. What I should have worried about was having my house burned down. See, the reason Thomas Antonio Inglewood hated Kym Worthy was because Kym Worthy charged him with starting a house fire that injured three people and killed a fourth, so said The Detroit News. Why did he only get three years for a first-degree murder charge? Why was he out and admitting he was a convicted felon to strangers on the bus? I don’t know.
There’s no smooth closing to telling stories like these. Happy New Year. May your 2024 be kiddy-diddler and arsonist-murderer-free.
Noah Keene graduated from Calvin University in December 2021 with a major in creative writing and a minor in Spanish. He currently resides in his hometown of Detroit, Michigan. He spends his free time reading and putting his major to good use by working on his first novel. See what he’s reading by following him on Instagram @peachykeenebooks and read his other personal writing by going to thekeenechronicles.com.
