You are from the west coast, or you wish you were. You watch The Mighty Ducks (1992) once a decade. You secretly resent the Hollywood elite, but you keep that to yourself because you want to come across as more noble than you are.
You are either very old and loved the original Winnipeg Jets, or you are very young and were taught to respect Wayne Gretzky and all his progeny. You respect a muted color palette and wish more teams had Arizona’s design sensibilities. You find rivalries overrated.
You are the worst.
You enjoy simple things that aren’t quite pleasant, like black coffee and over-proofed doughnuts. You’ve never been one for the spotlight. You think enhanced statistics are the right direction for the league.
You love a good party. You think change is fine, as long as it is so miniscule and obscure that you don’t notice it at all. You miss Jarome Iginla on principle. You have owned a cowboy hat in the past twenty years.
You fear being perceived as overly interesting at social events. You have experienced some degree of housing insecurity. You hope to acquire Marc Staal before the end of his career, even just for a season.
You absolutely cannot tolerate criticism. You are loud as a rule, and louder when asked to quiet down. You identify as patriotic. You think your team’s record makes you better than Cubs fans, but you are wrong.
You are the mom friend. You believe Sweden is a remarkable nation. You respect the Quebec Nordiques, though you often forget their role in the franchise. You consider your tastes refined but sensible.
Columbus Blue Jackets
You must be from Ohio. You have taken an elective American History course.
You have been affiliated with a fraternity.
Detroit Red Wings
You have a map of Michigan tattooed on your left calf and/or as a bumper sticker. You have no respect for the ocean. You appreciate tradition and simplicity. You genuinely believe winning isn’t everything.
You miss the good old days. You prefer to put your faith in twenty-two-year-olds than in deities. You eschew conventional aesthetics. You despise Calgary and Toronto (both the cities and the teams).
You always try your best. You believe the Jagr trade was a good idea. You wish people took you more seriously, but you don’t want to impose. You’re still not sure about the new logo.
Los Angeles Kings
You believe you are the smartest, wealthiest, most interesting person in every room. You don’t care about the team as much as you care about being seen caring about the team. You enjoy drinking champagne and mocking Anaheim.
You wish you were Canadian. You know you are too beautiful to ever be recognized for it. You enjoy solitude, but you are always ready to knock back four Bud Lights and sing “Born to Be Wild.”
You have “1909” tattooed on your inner thigh. You spit on Toronto and spit twice on Boston. You are bilingual enough to get in trouble, but not out of it. You are the only true hockey fan.
You have never considered the place you live “the South.” You enjoy people’s confused looks vis-à-vis towels. You injure your vocal cords at least once a year. You don’t consider it an insult unless you make an adult cry.
New Jersey Devils
You base all your actions on spite for New York. You are easily impressed. You know a little bit of mythology, but you forget why. You believe Martin Brodeur is the greatest Canadian.
New York Islanders
You don’t like to live in the same place for too long. You are learning to respect yourself, and it’s going well. You have heard of a “dynasty” but you don’t remember what it is. You think Edmonton’s jerseys are actually quite handsome.
New York Rangers
You know what a town car is. You’ve never watched a game on a screen smaller than 52″. You owe a debt to Henrik Lundqvist. You remember the 1994 Stanley Cup, even if you weren’t alive.
You are Canadian and you have an obligation. You have at least one Scottish ancestor. You enjoy politics in the same way that aristocrats in Russian novels did. You try to appear laid-back and relatable to young people even if you are already categorically young.
You are a thrill-seeker. You resent the negative connotations of “bandwagon.” You like to be perceived as sweet and charming. You have always wondered how you would look with a beard. You can’t bear to watch games against Vegas.
San Jose Sharks
You prize beauty and unique aesthetics. You resent success going to anyone’s head. You love heavy metal. You will not stand for unnuanced criticism of Jaws (1975). You have considered naming a child or pet “Joe.”
St. Louis Blues
You are completely agreeable. You know and are proud of your strengths. You have a good sense of humour. You are loved, or at least respected, by everyone except Chicago fans, which is better than if they liked you.
Tampa Bay Lightning
You want to feel like you are part of something. You lack creativity. You are well practiced in name-dropping Martin St. Louis. You consider yourself an expert on Florida culture ever since you visited Orlando in 2005.
Toronto Maple Leafs
You were raised in southern Ontario and you have Stockholm syndrome.
You have spent a lot of time crying over goalies. You maintain a calm exterior, but you are prepared to fight at any moment. You raise your children to hate Toronto because you cannot bring yourself to even speak the names of the teams you truly despise. You are the most loyal and pitiable of all hockey fans.
Vegas Golden Knights
You would donate a kidney for Marc-Andre Fleury. You claim to celebrate new potential and embrace new tradition, but these are thin covers for your allegiance to Marc-Andre Fleury. You think the logo is a little dated, but you don’t mind as long as Marc-Andre Fleury is wearing it.
You are actually just cheering for Alex Ovechkin.
You love your family. You know all your neighbors by name, and you’ve had at least one over for dinner in the last month. You say you do not miss the cheap tickets you could get to an Atlanta Thrashers game on your way to Florida once a season, and you mean it.
Gwyneth Findlay is a writer and editor working in publishing in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She graduated from Calvin in 2018 with a degree in writing and minors in French and gender studies. She also writes for the new Calvin alumni fiction blog, Presticogitation.