In the spirit of John Green’s book of the same title, our theme for the month of October is “the Anthropocene reviewed.” Writers were asked to review and rate some facet of human experience on a five-star scale.
A few weeks ago, I saw a Tik Tok about foods that made you feel like you were eating something you’re not allowed to eat. And I guess by “not allowed,” I mean things that are inedible. You can eat graham crackers to feel like you’re eating cardboard, Nerds candy to feel like you’re eating aquarium gravel, and Triscuits if you want to feel like you’re eating a wicker basket. And I did, in fact, want to feel like I was eating a wicker basket, so I went and bought myself some Triscuits soon after.
In the following weeks, I’ve tried all the flavors I can get my hands on, and I have some thoughts about how they all stack up against each other.
First, the original
All things considered, these hold up pretty well because most of what I’m after with Triscuits is the texture. They have an extremely satisfying crunch, and I like the size of the cracker. That said, the original flavor isn’t doing enough for me, personally, so these ones are probably my least favorite of all the ones I tried.
Next up, Rosemary and Olive Oil
These ones have everything the originals have, but with an added flavor direction. They taste appropriately like rosemary, and the secondary oil flavor (which is present in nearly all the flavors) compliments the rosemary well. But eating a few of these in a row makes them seem pretty one-note, and I wish they had added another flavor to the mix here. Maybe the mozzarella suggested in the picture? They’re decent, but I probably wouldn’t get them again.
Roasted Garlic
These crackers focus on a flavor that works much better as the central focus, but in this case I’m surprised by how mild the garlic flavor is, especially in comparison to some of the other flavors on this list. However, unlike the rosemary ones, these don’t get worse as you eat more of them, so they end up just about middle of the road.
Balsamic Vinegar and Basil
Probably the most unique flavor of the batch, these ones are where they start to get good. They have just the right amount of flavor per cracker, and it comes through surprisingly—but pleasantly—sweet. The basil adds a great undertone, and if the sweetness is what you’re looking for, these hit the spot.
Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil
I was hesitant about these ones at first. Pepper as a primary flavor focus wasn’t what I would’ve expected, but after trying these a couple of times the flavor has grown on me a lot. Both the pepper and the olive oil come through powerfully and compliment each other well, and the aftertaste has that slight heat that comes with any strong pepper flavor. They don’t quite beat out my top pick on the list, but they come pretty close.
Fire-roasted Tomato and Olive Oil
These crackers really do have it all. The all-important texture, the olive oil undercurrent, and the primary focus that steals the spotlight: the fire-roasted tomato. In my opinion, this is the perfect flavor for this type of cracker, and it works especially well with whatever delicious spice blend they put on these things. In fact, upon inspecting the ingredients, I discovered that while all the other flavors have either onion powder or garlic powder, these top two picks have both, and the fire-roasted ones also have paprika, as well as “spices.” Presumably, “spices” adds some savory element that really pulls together the tomato and oil flavors, because these crackers are on a different level from the rest.
And that’s all the ones I was able to get my hands on. With a quick search, I discovered that there are at least a couple more that I’ll have to try, like “Avocado, Cilantro, and Lime” or “Smoked Gouda.” But until I find those, I’ll have to stick with what I’ve tried already.
If you, like me, have a desire to eat a wicker basket, Triscuits do the job pretty well, and the “Fire-Roasted Tomato and Olive Oil” ones are the best, in my opinion.
I give Triscuits three and a half out of five stars.

Philip Rienstra (‘21) majored in writing and music and has plans to pursue a career in publishing. They are a recovering music snob, a fruit juice enthusiast, and a big fan of the enneagram. They’re currently living in St. Paul with their spouse, Heidi.
This is so helpful – I’ve been craving wicker baskets but feeling reluctant to consume them. This will be a healthier alternative, an I I won’t have to bother with fire-roasting my own tomatoes.