*Translated into Twenty-first Century English by department secretary, Eunice

Antiquarianism Department: Virtual files, June 1, 4036 A.D.
Warehouse 12, Row 187, Crate 33, Item #53992

Uncovered intriguing device. Rectangular, combination of metal, glass, and eroded material identified as plastic. Curious marking of Malus Domestica etched on the back. Cannot fathom that century’s fascination with legendary sin fruit, Apple. Has been found on many useless devices gathered from said era.

After investigating surface area, discovered power button. Device still loaded with ancient ‘files’. Apart from previously documented files such as: email, camera, calendar, and Candy Crush this device includes a thus far unknown file “Tinder.” Will compile etymological findings for tomorrow’s investigation.

 

Antiquarianism Department: Virtual files, June 2, 4036 A.D.
Warehouse 12, Row 187, Crate 33, Item #53992

Unsuccessful.

Though the word Tinder has relation to the word tinder, dry, flammable material, such as wood or paper, used for lighting a fire, yesterday’s file seems wholly unrelated to any pyrotechnics. Database searches have failed to explain a correlation. Will categorize with other found useless words: lit, twerk, and Ohio State.

Hypothesis: based off the images and captions included, file might have been an inventory of virtual fresh produce. Content based off market demand and bargaining.  Farmers uploaded descriptions of products to put on these online marketplace for possible buyers. Phrases like:

  •         Sun-kissed, organic, and all natural 😉
  •         Raised in Georgia clay, infused with moonshine, and ready to rock your night!
  •         Earthy, full-bodied, and comes with a great finish

 

Antiquarianism Department: Virtual files, June 3, 4036 A.D.
Warehouse 12, Row 187, Crate 33, Item #53992

More information unearthed affirms prediction. Initial confusion of the variety of profile descriptions has been quelled. Some were selling products while others posted personal criteria, a grocery list of desires.

  •         Searching for the one, or at least a good night
  •         Needs to be kid and pet friendly
  •         Have lots of love to give if you’re here for the right reasons

Buyers appear to have had unnaturally specific records of personal details. This might correlate with the then modern trend of staring at one’s self in camera lens for inordinate amounts of time throughout the day. The department has previously had no idea that produce shopping was in such high demand. Nor that men and women were so eager to enjoy their meals.

There were a few buyer profiles that, based off the chosen picture and the description, were difficult to categorize. Example:

  •         Looking for a Noah to my Allie #TheNotebook

 

Antiquarianism Department: Virtual files, June 4, 4036 A.D.
Warehouse 12, Row 187, Crate 33, Item #53992

Documentation for item # 53992 complete.

New file: Item #53993.

Long, thin metal cylinder with attachment at one end into which item #53992 seems to fit. Use: unknown.

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