Something that has always irked me about parents in general is the universal idea that anyone who isn’t a parent can’t give any parenting advice. While I understand the sentiment behind this misguided dictum, it simply isn’t true. As a twenty-four year old childless woman, I have plenty of opinions and insights that, while perhaps lacking certain parental nuances, are still relevant and applicable.
I’ve made it no secret that I am not the warm and fuzzy maternal type. But, as a twenty-four year old childless woman, I get to watch how the majority of my peers have begun popping out babies left and right. I don’t know what possesses people to immediately begin procreating (a baby, in this economy?!), but I do like the idea of how parent-child dynamics shape the psychologies of the respective parties.
The problem with parents is that they seem utterly blind to the fact that love does not, in fact, cover a multitude of sins. People can do things in the name of love, but then they assume that this hypothesis must surely lead to the conclusion that the things they do are right. This is eminently apparent to anyone as you read this sentence, but parents inexplicably and irrationally seem to ignore this fact wholesale.
Now, I am not trying to say that parents ought to be infallible, or even that I would make a “perfect” parent. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things parents shouldn’t at least try to be good at. As an adult, you do your best to reconcile and parents occasionally make vague statements about how they’re sorry they weren’t better or they wish they had done something differently. That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t really change anything. Those mistakes and neglects still happened to you during the pivotal years of your psychology and growth, and they are embedded there for forever.
So, here’s my parenting advice, in no particular order. I share in hopes that people who do choose to have children can reflect on what they can do (or have done) that will lessen the amount of scar tissue in their relationships.
- Teenagers are angsty idiots, but all they really want is a parent who can listen to them, if not understand them. And not in the clumsy, straightforward way most parents attempt. Teenagers don’t want to be sat down and forcibly wrung out. (I keep wanting to write “we,” but then I remember that I’m not a teenager anymore.…) They are irrational and emotional and volatile, but it isn’t your job to play Aristotle.
- Relatedly, don’t ignore the content of irrational and emotional outbursts. While the execution of their communication may be poor, they’re still trying to tell you something. Don’t ignore your child when they mention panic attacks or bullies or anything else.
- Teenagers do stupid things and get into bad situations, regardless of how often they are lectured or told otherwise. Repeated brow-beating doesn’t mean anything when you don’t also try to help them understand and recognise the signs of stupid and bad things. Instead of telling them how much you disapprove of whom they associate with, teach them the red flags for toxic or abusive relationships and let them know that you will love and believe them without judgement.
- Teenagers rarely tell their parents much of everything, choosing instead to confide in peers or other figures they look up to. There isn’t anything wrong about this, nor should you exert yourself to try to change this. After all, you have your certain friends that you tell certain things to, but not to others, so you shouldn’t grudge your child for the same. Be glad that there are people they confide in (rather than none at all, that is). Children don’t have the bizarre obligation that some parents seem to think they do to bare their souls for parental inspection. Parents have no entitlement to their children’s lives unless they wish to breed mistrust and resentment.
- Elephants remember, teenagers even more so. They remember the promises where you didn’t follow through and the times you were away, among other things. If you cannot follow through, you need to at least acknowledge where you have failed. You’re a fool if you wonder why your child is distant and independent when you’ve given them good cause.
Everything you do as a parent shapes the offspring you’ve chosen to bring into the world. I know it must feel like the weight of the entire world, and I sympathise, but it should. All talk of saving money and freedom from parental duties aside, it is this weight that paralyses me and makes me never want to bear such a responsibility.
