Introducing the Ki-Yah Impromptima, the perfect car for people who want four cup holders and okay gas mileage. This vehicle will get you places—not places you want and not quickly but it will get you there, unless it doesn’t, in which case we offer 24/7 roadside commiseration. Our operatives in India are waiting to give you mechanical and relational advice in Hindi that may apply to your situation.
We make the Impromptima for people who want freedom. Our drivers don’t worry about money, extras, or whether or not their car will be vandalized. They park their vehicle on Chicago’s South Side with the windows down, keys in the ignition, and say, Do your worst world. I bought an Impromptima.
The Impromptima has consistently made it in Forbes’ top thirty cars to get stranded in during an ice storm. Starting a fire has never been easier because every component of this car is extremely flammable. This is not to mention the other safety features which include: a whistle, assorted bungee cords (which may also be used to fix your Impromptima), a safety pamphlet describing what to do in the case of a water landing, two pairs of water wings, a post hole digger, and season three of Man Vs. Wild.
The vehicle is also equipped with one airbag—tested on a chimpanzee shaped more or less like the average American—hidden somewhere in the interior. This means instead of worrying about what body parts may or may not be missing after an accident, you’ll finally figure out where the airbag was. Was it on the passenger side? In the trunk? Jammed in the cigarette lighter? Being in an accident has never been a more enjoyable experience.
If you routinely hit signs, fire hydrants, lampposts, pedestrians, and other cars, the Impromptima won’t change any of that. It will, however, make it easier to flee those situations by being indiscernible from any other four-door coupe. In scientific tests, the Impromptima was mistaken for a Ford, Honda, Toyota, Chevrolet, Mazda, Hyundai, Subaru, Lamborghini, and a go-kart.
That doesn’t sound like the car for you? Try the new Forde SuperRápido. If you pull up to a stoplight and think, I want to be a complete dickhead, this car is built for you. Swerving recklessly, honking obnoxiously, and flashing your brights are only the beginning.
The SuperRápido is about pride, the conviction that everyone is here for your benefit. Some companies take pride in saving the planet. We take pride in how much gasoline the SuperRápido consumes. We take pride that it is five times easier to run over a squirrel than in our competitor’s models. We take pride that more forest was destroyed in making this car than building the lower east side of Manhattan—even though we don’t use any wood in the vehicle.
We skipped safety features and gave this vehicle an engine that makes a Porsche look like a drowning puppy in a kiddie pool. Think of a jet engine that runs on Monster energy drinks… because that’s exactly what it is. It’s illegal in most countries but not in the US because we have very powerful interest groups.
The new model of the SuperRápido now comes equipped with an air horn and an unnecessary spoiler to ensure that other drivers know if they were stranded on a desert island with you, you would be the first to resort to cannibalism. It also has tires that emit a rending screech whether you’re backing out of your garage or coming to a gentle stop at a light.
SuperRápido sound like everything you avoid in life? Try the Subaroo Ecoharmony—a car so quiet it has been used to sneak past babies and small yippy dogs to bring organic vegetables to orphans in Ecuador. The car emits a faint earthy odor, both because our engine runs on sulfuric gas and to enrich the environment by making it smell a little bit more like shit.
The Ecoharmony is built with one hundred percent biodegradable materials, and after two years, the vehicle itself will return to the earth, providing expensive but valuable compost for our trees. This makes repairs unnecessary, and our two-for-one offer all that more enticing. We also include a personal apology note from you to the environment for being a human.
Spend most of your life exercising and dieting but still struggle with negative body image? The Ecoharmony offers the self-propel option, a calorie tracking app, a heart-rate monitor, a judgmental AI personality, and an intravenous glucose-level reader so you can devote your life to a nauseating cycle of numbers.
Whatever vehicle you choose, we have leasing options that look cheaper than they actually are and terms and conditions to glaze over. So, come in now and save during our Big Sucker Month! You’ll be out with a Subaroo, Forde, or Ki-Yah in no time.
Ben Rietema (’14) lives in Wanaka, New Zealand at the moment. Besides staring at and running in mountains, he makes a wicked hospital corner and can clean a bathroom like Gandhi (if he were a housekeeper) at his job at a local lodge. He also enjoys saying “HOUSEKEEPING” in the highest pitch voice he can muster before entering a room to service it. benrietema.wordpress.com/