What Eating the Same Meals for Ten Months Will Do to You
To get something straight, eating the same thing is boring as all hell. I gained a measure of satisfaction from it, of course, or else I wouldn’t have done it.
The Ki-Yah Impromptima: The Car For People Who Have Stopped Caring
If you routinely hit signs, fire hydrants, lampposts, pedestrians, and other cars, the Impromptima won’t change any of that.
The Reality of Fear
We think the world is going to hell. Every single generation has in some respect thought their world was going to hell. Right now, it’s not.
Welcome to the 1-800-HEAVEN Hotline
For Christianity, press one. For Judaism, press two. For Islam, press three. For Atheism, please hang up and try again.
The Food Struggle
No one remembers to send okra a Christmas card, and they usually misspell “okra” anyways. Ocra? Akra? Okrah? Occasionally, someone visits her when they go south for spring break.
How the Police Steal Your Dignity
The semi-employed anti-hero of this tragic sob-story did what we all want to do but cannot because of various reasons, mostly time-related.
Genetic Potential
So for the present, let’s stay out of the future. And dear god, let dogs stay dogs, let cats stay cats, and let mice stay undersized rats.
The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan
Whatever he has been, Dylan always returns to his humanity, and the fact that he’s simply an artist doing his thing.
The Limitations of Flowers
The woman looked at me like I’d asked to give her a dead fish, which, considering I looked like I had come out of the forest, wasn’t wholly misplaced.
Let’s Talk About Ghosts
Do I cling to God and morality because behind those things there lies a black, incessant void of despair and pointlessness that existentialism can barely put a Hello-Kitty band-aid on?
The 42,000-Meter Flaming Bull Survival Sprint
Like Bob Costas, who only gets pulled out every two years from whatever coat closet NBC hides him in, the Olympics are full of those sports that no one really cares about until the next Olympics.
Housekeeping for Dummies
Step Seven—Whew, we’re already on step seven. Check the time. What time is it? Whoo boy, we’ve already been in here thirty minutes, and it’s only half done.
Airport Purgatory
Of course, it’s unfair to judge a culture based on experiences in airport terminals.
What The Hell Did I Just Watch?
The list of far-fetched hobby-type things goes on—latte art, throwing things in a blender and showing the footage on YouTube (Will It Blend?), keeping moldy water in your garage and selling it to other people (home brewing)…
What They Don’t Tell You About Campervans
He took a lap around the vehicle, got in the driver’s seat, and tried the key. The van roared to life… as if nothing had been wrong, as if it were just born, as if it were doing it just to spite me. I stared at the van in silence.
A Night on the Lash
It was like asking the two of them to play a game of ping pong, but no one had brought any paddles and the only ball available was a brick.
A Selfie Stick Could Just Save Your Life (Not Really)
If I were a man of principle, I would have shouted, “GET THIS DEVIL STICK AWAY FROM ME” and thrown it into a tree.
Where Is Home?
The answer can act as a balm; even speaking the name can reseal the permanent connection to the fact that travelers are not always traveling,
How To Talk To Attractive People (Just Kidding I Have No Idea)
“So I see you enjoy burritos…” I would say and then stare at my shoes. “ And I observe that you are also wearing… [squinting] shoes… very cool…”
Forgoing My Undying Shame
I have a “thing” about hair, and it may to seem strange to you. But let’s be honest, you have your things too.
Landlubber
Another wave of nausea wrenches my stomach, and I cling to the horizon with my eyes, willing the North Island to come closer. I nervously check the lower deck to see if any hapless soul is below should I release my lunch.
Me and My Pet Grizzly
We admire the people who adventure, who scale mountains, who travel to faraway places with nothing but optimism, peanut butter, and probably not enough experience.
Do You Even Board, Bro?
The whole town’s milieu has changed from German trampers and the Asian tour bus multitudes to people who can’t seem to survive without a beanie on their head.
Another Game of Uno
By the end, I had to get out, or I was going to keel over from Uno-induced asphyxiation. I said my goodnights and stumbled off down the corridor.
The Sheep That Could
It gazed at me, seemingly serene yet still in obvious misery. Was it questioning its life? Was he brought closer to some meaning in its purposeless sheep existence? Do sheep go that deep?
A Hero for the Rest of Us
While Superman is out saving the world and dating incredibly attractive women, I’m covered in grime, decidedly without any lingerie models throwing themselves at my feet.
Cat Person
I looked down at Winston (or the other one), who still looked up at me pleadingly. He hadn’t moved an inch, even though there were about fifteen other willing petters around.
A Glimpse
But probably, it was simply a pure moment, where the present brushes eternity and leaves a faint aroma of godliness. I breathed in. The rain whispered, and the grass ruffled.
Nature Can Be A…
Sometimes there is nothing better than being outside; sometimes I would pay anything to escape.
There and Back Again
But like Bilbo returning to Bag End, sometimes you return home and your neighbors are rifling through your linen and walking out the door with your cutlery.
