Welcome to the 1-800-HEAVEN hotline. All prayer calls are recorded for quality assurance purposes. Please visit our website at cash4salvation.org or one of our offices in Nebula Six. Business hours are from 9 a.m. to 9:25 a.m. every other Tuesday, alternating every two and a half months beginning in 33 AD.

For Christianity, press one. For Judaism, press two. For Islam, press three. For Atheism, please hang up and try again. If you hold to no religion or your religion is not listed, please convert and try again.

[1]

Thank you for choosing Jesus Christ. We hope to resolve your issue shortly. Please enter your denomination using the alphanumeric keypad on your phone followed by the pound key.

[6, 7, 6, 4…]

Thank you for choosing Evangelical Southwestern Re-reformed Mumbling Buttlickers. To confess a sin, press one. To beg for the salvation of a loved one, press two. To request the damnation of an enemy, press three. To request divine favor for your athletic team, press four. To make a deal with God, press five. To tell God to go —- himself, press six. To thank God for providing in a time of need, press seven. To question why God did not provide in a time of need, press eight. To make someone love you, press nine. To make someone stop loving you, press ten. To contest your afterlife placement, press eleven. Press twelve to hold for a heavenly representative.

[12]

Before I connect you with a qualified representative, I need to ask you some questions. From your birth to the present, how many times have you doubted your faith? Please note that any number but zero may delay the time in which your request is processed.   

[0]

Thank you for your honesty. Please estimate the number of lies from your birth to the present, not including lies told to children under the age of three.

[…]

Great. We’re almost there. Just a few more questions. Do you hold to those precepts as established by the second council of Nicaea of 787 AD or those of the Council of Hieria of 754? Press one for Nicaea. Press two for Hieria.

[…] [2?]

Thank you. Under the Augustinian precept of free will wherein God has chosen to make a human species which has the ability but not the prerequisite of choosing a freedom wherein they may take a course of action prescribed by faith or that prescribed by heresy and herein marginalize the role of God’s omniscience and omnipotence while emphasizing the liberty of the human species (Homo sapien) over said Almighty power, did this give you the ability if not the right to pretend to love Candice Josephson in the fifth grade in order to obtain her slice of pepperoni pizza, hereby knowing that said action would elicit immeasurable pain for said person after said pizza was eaten and said love was found to be simulated? Press one for yes. Press two for no.

[…] [2?]

Thank you. Please clearly state the greatest sin you have committed.

[…] Stealing the, um, credit card information of coworkers.

I’m sorry but I can’t understand what sin you committed.

Stealing the credit cards of people I work with.

You have selected: parking ticket violation. Is this correct? Press one for yes. Press two for no.

[2]

Please try again. Please say your sin.  

Stealing the cred…

You have selected: murder of a trusted friend. Is this correct? Press one for…

[2]

Please try again. Enter…

STEALING THE CREDIT CARDS OF…

You have selected: taking kickbacks from an international drug cartel. Is this correct? Press one for yes. Press two for no.

[1]

Thank you. I’m sorry but all of our heavenly representatives are occupied. Hold time: fifty-nine years, two months, and twenty days. We appreciate your patience. Someone will be with you shortly.

[Shrill Christmas music]

30 Comments

  1. Avatar

    I love you I mean it

    Reply
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      I only like you as a friend

      Reply
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        May I ask a question

        Reply
        • Avatar

          will you please take care of my cat Tigger he is the best and couldn’t find a better cat than him I’m missing him so much this is the 3rd year without him and my life just feels so empty and cold and when I found out he died that day my whole life dropped I even thought of taking my own life that day and I was the proudest cat owner ever

          Reply
          • Avatar

            I’m so sorry for your loss.

            The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
            -Psalm 34:18

            He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
            -Psalm 147:3

            The Bible tells us that animals are important to the Lord (Matthew 10:29; Proverbs 12:10, Psalm 145:9), that animals know the Lord (Job 12:7-10) and that he knows them (Psalm 50:10-11), and that there are animals in heaven (Isaiah 11:6).
            I believe that you will eventually see your beloved Tigger again!

            Even though, in a way, your Creator has answered your “call” via his faithful servant (me!), this post is satire. As far as I know, there is no phone number to heaven. We don’t need a phone though, we just need to believe. We just need to talk to the Lord and he will answer us (1 John 5:13-15; many other verses).

            May the Lord bless you and give you peace, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

        • Avatar

          I love you I mean it

          Reply
    • Avatar

      I love you God

      Reply
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        God sees you, and loves you more than you could ever know!!!

        And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
        -Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

        Reply
    • Avatar

      I miss my dad so much right now and I don’t know how to live without him I just wish he would’ve come home I never got to say goodbye and I just feel like it’s my fault he’s gone he never got to meet my daughter he went to the hospital 2 hours before I did in labor on the 2nd of August he died on the 26th

      Reply
    • Avatar

      i love u jesus please do the best for me

      Reply
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      I love you and can’t wait tell I meet you god and I can’t wait to see specks again love you happy thanksgiving

      Reply
  2. Avatar

    My grandkids want to talk to their grandpa who passed Jan 12, 2019. Lucas was 6 and Kaelyn was 4. They love and miss him so much. Could you please let them know he loves them but is happy to be living with his Lord!

    Reply
    • Avatar

      Dear Lucas and Kaelyn,
      Your Grandpa loves you very much!
      All people who believe and love the Lord have the gift of eternal life to look forward to, where “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain…” (Revelation 21:4).
      You’re good kids and God loves you more than you could ever know. He loves your Mom and Grandpa too!
      Smile when you think of your Grandpa! You will see him again one day

      Reply
  3. Avatar

    God I just want to thank you for everything you have done for me God I’ve tried to repent by praying I don’t know if I need to try harder or if you heard me or not but God please forgive me because I want to leave my old life and live with you father Amen

    Reply
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      I pray for my sister and family

      Reply
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        May the Lord bless your sister and family and you, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

        Reply
    • Avatar

      Old habits are hard to break, friend. We are only human and all of us have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)
      Be kind to yourself. God your Father loves you and is not angry with you. He knows your heart and sees how hard you work.
      You are in my prayers! May the Lord bless you and bring you the life and the peace you so faithfully and earnestly seek, in Jesus’ name, Amen!

      Please meditate on Psalm 51:10 and remember that the Lord does not want you to suffer – he wants you to have peace!

      Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
      -John 14:27 (ESV)

      Reply
  4. Avatar

    dear god, i love you so much, i’m praying for myself, i’ve been having some sharp pains in my heart and i really hope it’s not bad. i might go to the dogtors and i really hope nothing’s too bad because i don’t want want thing bad happening to me and i don’t want my family members being worried. i love you so much god, thank you for always being there for me. I hope you have a good day. ❤️❤️

    Reply
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      Staying away from the doctor won’t stop bad things from happening.
      I pray that the Lord grants you the strength and courage to talk to someone about your medical concerns and your fears. Ask a loved one to accompany you to the doctor, but please, go to the doctor if you haven’t already.
      May you be blessed and healthy always, in Jesus’ name, Amen!

      Reply
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      P.S. I know you already know this, but God loves you so much too!!!

      Reply
  5. Avatar

    Is this number legit? If I call it, will I get hacked?

    Reply
    • Avatar

      Everyone can call God
      Without a telephone
      Dial into your heart and talk
      Listen with your heart for the answer, and don’t ask again if God says”NO”.
      Be sure to speak to him for no reason, like a real friendship. God does NOT like to feel used, he has feelings too.

      Reply
    • Avatar

      This is satire, friend. As far as I know, there is no phone number to heaven (but you already knew that)!
      God is always listening. Talk to him. His love for you is greater than you could ever imagine! Talk to those around you – they love you more than you realize, too. You are not alone. You are loved. You are special and kind and destined to do great things!

      Reply
  6. Avatar

    I need to talk to God their has been a lot of stuff going on with me.

    Reply
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      He is listening, friend. Talk to him.
      You are in my prayers <3

      Reply
  7. Avatar

    I don’t even know which line to quote as the best. That was hilarious. Definitely read it in Morgan Freeman’s voice.

    Reply
  8. Avatar

    Why does jesus have a phone number of 888. I googled it and dont get it

    Reply
    • Avatar

      Because salvation is free?
      Because all the 800 numbers were taken?
      Because 866 is too close to that other guy’s phone number??

      :p

      Reply

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