In August, we bring a set of new full-time writers to the blog. Covering the 14th of each month, please welcome Finnely King-Scoular (’14). Finnely is stationed at Naval Station Norfolk in Norfolk, VA, where he lives with his wife, Rosalind (’13). His writing, including the Faerie Court Chronicles series from NineStar Press, focuses on contemporary fantasy with an emphasis on LGBTQ+ representation.

Run, boy, run. This world is not made for you. Run, boy, run. They’re trying to stop you.

I resonated with that song long before I realized I was transgender. It’s propelled me through West Michigan woods, around tracks in the muggy South Carolina heat, down narrow roads lining rice fields in the Japanese countryside, and across stretches of plain before the Rockies of Colorado because, beyond the pumping rhythm and driving beat, there were so many things I was running from—a self I didn’t understand, a God who had made it, and a world that truly was not made for who I was. Am.

It all caught up with me eventually, though, much like everything catches up to all of us. All I could do was wear myself out enough to simply sit with it all—the ache in my soul, an uncomfortable truth, a wound that needed and still needs healing—instead of wrestling with it like Jacob with God, because it’s going to happen again and again and again and I only have so many joints to be knocked out of place.

I hope it gets easier with time. The first and largest episode nearly killed me.  

All’s not said and done once our peace is made, however. Not that I’ve seen, anyway. Then it’s time to run from complacency, the idea that we’re done growing. Done changing. Done speeding up and slowing down. Not to mention the need to run from all the assumptions and opinions of those who did not have the honor of sitting in on the conversations, debates, and screaming matches you had with yourself. Those have a nasty way of wrapping around my arms and ankles and neck to slow me down. Once they’re there, they can be nearly impossible to pull off.

You don’t work in your degree’s field? What a failure.

You’re trans but don’t want THE surgery? So, you’re lying.

You’ve been to college but don’t want to go officer? What’s wrong with you?

That alternative stuff is pulling you away from God. You’ll go to Hell if you die tomorrow.

Run, boy, run.

I’m grateful to have found that it wasn’t all running away from things. I ran towards people who truly see me. People I could help and learn from. I ran towards the glimmer of sunrise above cloud cover as I stood on narrow high peaks and the knowledge that the ocean is never the same color from moment to moment and the subtle art of making joy out of giant metal shipping containers (despite all the booze that comes with it) and the depths of my very soul.  

I’ve run and rested. Wrestled and walked it off, limp and all. The best thing to do is give in to the start and stop and the beat. At least, that’s what I’ve found to be true.

I started being an English teacher abroad, then I stopped. Then I started being a nuclear electrician’s mate, then I stopped. I started being a butch lesbian, then I stopped. I started being Finn, then I started being a husband and started looking to be a homeowner and an investor, and, and, and…

We’ll see what’s next. Because, for now, it’s time to run.

Woodkid. “Run Boy Run.” The Golden Age. Green United Music, 2013, track 2. Spotify.
https://open.spotify.com/album/7oRzNo0PkoRJlvI9Eocyf2?si=sVx9HOIgSWq3mMyWSRBsMA

2 Comments

  1. Geneva Langeland

    Oh, I love that song. It makes my heart swell each time I hear it. Welcome to the post calvin community, Finnely — we’re so glad you’re here!

    Reply
  2. Kyric Koning

    Ah, Woodkid. I’m more of a fan of “Ghost Lights” or “Iron” myself.

    I love how you explain the process of growing. That it’s not all progress (all running as you say), but that you need the rests. And you don’t need to just run from things but towards them.

    One little difference I have though, is that I do think that it is important to listen to opinions others have. It’s just important to understand that they are opinions, which granted can be difficult. But the struggle, the run, is also important.

    I hope the best for you in that. And we’re here for you too.

    Reply

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