One of my flaws is that I love personality quizzes. I’m the person who enjoys Enneagram type Instagram infographics and silly Buzzfeed quizzes that tell you what type of bread you are all the same. I live for a stranger trying to psychoanalyze me based on the fact that I prefer yellow and Phoebe Bridgers lyrics.
These days, I’ve been getting my version of astrology readings through the strange hyper-specific uquizzes proliferating on Tumblr. Uquiz, as far as I can tell, was designed to be another survey tool for companies. Instead, they’ve become synonymous with judgemental omens bestowed by terminally online people based on song lyrics and stock photos.
Since the uquiz popular homepage is a hellhole of cringey teenager interests (they are allowed to like things but please get the Minecraft YouTubers away from me) (why are all trending pages bad), I’m sending you all to some of my favorites: the quizzes that are way too specific or are trying too hard.
My result: 0%
Sometimes when living in a world where the apocalypse seems like it’s already here, it’s nice to know where you would stand when the end happens. I wouldn’t be, clearly.
My result: Ocean cliff
I got my result and felt like I was kicked in the kneecaps. I then found screenshots of the other results and realized I would have felt called out no matter what I got. Maybe that has more to say about me than the quizmaker.
My result: Asshole for the first half/ domesticated for the second half
Honestly, I don’t remember taking this one, but past me really liked it. This is my representative pick for all the trope quizzes out there, I guess.
My result: Tenzin
I got dragged for liking Kataang but out of all the Avatar: The Last Airbender quizzes I took, this one was definitely the most accurate. Or maybe I just like to think Tenzin encapsulates the tryhard teacher soul I have.
My result: Akaashi Keiji (Haikyu!!)
All of these assigned character quizzes are dumb, but I can’t stop taking them. Yes, I am a character from a sports anime I’ve never seen. Yes, I am he/they your mother warned you about. Yes, I am the guy of all time.
My result: Consumption of a heart unloved
Gah. This quiz is definitely on the stranger side, but the purple prose is too good to ignore. Get your new unsettling love language here!
My result: “It’s Raining Somewhere Else”
I have a weak spot for quizzes with a bunch of different results. This one isn’t quite as expansive as the Pokémon partner or snake one, but it also checks the boxes of trying to guess my personality and giving me a media recommendation. Its only detriment is that it made me play Undertale again, which meant I spent a fruitless hour looking for how to truly reset my game. Should have just listened to the song and been done.
My result: Arianism
This person has hyperspecific knowledge beyond the likes of which I could dream. Plus, this quiz is the closest thing I have got to Christianity in my travels, even if it’s a list of heresies. I had some major church history class flashbacks thanks to this quiz, mostly about how great Athanasius is.
My result: You remain trapped within the maze
While this uquiz crashed on my phone four times and ultimately spit in my face once I finally answered all the questions, I cannot make an uquiz list without it. Wizardisanimal set out to see what the uquiz question limit was and birthed this labyrinth that I cannot bring myself to try to break out of. You may try to escape yourself, but at least heed my warning. Do not take this on mobile because it will crash and you will have to redo seventy-five multiple choice answers, and you will be as salty as I.
My result: knees.
The ultimate uquiz award goes to this one. Atmosphere is impeccable, choices are interesting and fun to read, and it succeeds in telling a story in a medium that does not play well with stories. I will even forgive the egregious typo in the quiz introduction. My heart for you, tenera.
Honorable non-uquiz mentions
My result: The Angel Ramiel from Neon Genesis Evangelion and N/A
These two are fantastic pokes at what gender has come to encompass. If you want to engage in some low-stakes self-reflection or become even more confused about what gender spectrum kids are on these days, these quizzes are for you. Fair warning: the second one will not give you a result and is designed as some college kid’s experiment, so if you are uncomfortable with giving data to a rando without the reward of getting assigned a personality, I’d avoid it.
P.S. If you enjoyed these, feel free to try your luck with the uquiz database blog. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
Alex Johnson (‘19) is a virtual computer science teacher and a proud resident of the Creston neighborhood in Grand Rapids. When she isn’t reading Young Adult fiction, she’s listening to podcasts, playing rhythm games, and preaching the gospel of intentional community to anyone who will listen.