Nearly a year ago I was writing about how terrible and weird airports are. Now I’m writing about how not to be a terrible traveller—specifically in the context of the UK—and the gaps Americans might encounter.
1. Stand on the right, walk on the left.
Escalators, stairs, moving walkways… whatever you do, if you’re slow/unmoving, you should be on the right side. There’s only so much dirty looks can do to keep people from bottling up the corridor for hurriers. If you’ve got luggage, do your best to minimise the space you take up and recognise that you won’t be setting any Nordic speed walking records, but that others will. Remember how infuriating that person who wouldn’t pass in the passing lane was? Don’t be that person.
2. Understand airports.
You’re made to take a driving test before you’re allowed to drive publically. I’ve concluded that the same should be true for those who wish to travel publically. While trying to make it through Heathrow unscathed, I heard too many people complaining “what do you mean my liquids should be bagged?!” Or saying they should get to cut the queue because they arrived at 10:00am for their 10:30am flight (did I mention I arrived four hours prior to my flight home just in case?). Absolutely no one benefits from such egregious unpreparedness. The TSA gods do not smile down upon such people. Neither do your fellow passengers.
3. Stand somewhere that isn’t there.
Take as old as time; true as it can be…. Tourists seem to have an extraordinary knack for stopping and standing in the most idiotic place possible. (Imagine if they could be so inventive in other, more productive ways—we could solve world hunger in an afternoon.) Stop parking your posterior in doors and stairways and the choke points of traffic… Americans love to feel entitled to as much space as they please but, in reality, you should be making yourself as small and efficient as possible.
4. Stop blurting out random stuff.*
This is going to sound a lot like anti-extrovert propaganda (and it absolutely is), but no one likes a talker. Don’t ask the docent where the queue is while standing in front of the sign that has an arrow. If you don’t understand something, don’t shout it out for the whole world to know you don’t know the difference between northbound and southbound trains. Don’t squeal with glee when you spot Palace Theatre for the first time. And if you must, go loudly explain your situation to someone who’s actually assigned to help people like you instead of the beleaguered worker just trying to eat his baguette. The American tourist stereotype exists for a reason.
5. Shit happens; semper paratus.
This one isn’t UK-specific, but the course of travel is never smooth and you should prepare accordingly. Air travel has particularly suffered from lack of man-power this year, causing all sorts of problems in addition to the whack weather we’ve been having. Cancelled flights, lost luggage, rail strikes, heat waves, locusts, darkness for three days… you get the idea. I always pack a change of clothes and basic necessities, medications, and valuables in my carry-on. The world is a dumpster fire and we’re all living in it, c’est la vie.
6. *Recognise the racism.
And to end on a very not-tongue-and-cheek note: racism is alive and well abroad; just because the UK isn’t having all of the same fuss as the US doesn’t mean there aren’t serious issues. Specifically, in my experience, racism against anyone with an East Asian-presenting face is rampant. London isn’t so bad due to its famous diversity, but the same cannot be said for other areas of the country as middle- to late-aged white Brits love to express their thoughts in unfortunate ways. It is not uncommon to have a variety pack of racist shit yelled at you by a complete stranger as you try to do your grocery shopping or wait for your train to arrive. It’s frustrating. It’s also what’s happening in our country, just a different version.
