I’m struggling to feel like a person this week. Every time I open BlueSky or Tumblr a wave of new federal changes leaves me feeling like I need to do something but unsure where to start.

The Sunday before the election, one of my friends shared that during the first Trump presidency he was assaulted three different times. “I won all three fights,” he reassured me, “broke the first guy’s arm, and told him that if he wanted to press charges he’d have to tell everyone a faggot beat him in a fight.” Learning this didn’t dim my attraction to him, but it also didn’t make me feel any safer in my hometown, even living in a neighborhood with multiple businesses displaying pride flags in their windows.

I don’t want to get used to the chaos, but history says I will. I got used to the chaos of the first Trump presidency. I got used to the genocide Israel perpetrated in Gaza from October 2023 until now, despite my desire not to and the many wonderful posts on this blog about it. I got used to a looming feeling of dread between election day and inauguration day. Ten days into the new administration and I’m getting used to the chaos.

I feel guilty because nothing’s affected me directly thus far, though I hear stories from my friends. Federal employees are no longer allowed to work remotely, meaning that one friend’s husband has to commute into DC from Baltimore daily, forcing them to either spend way more on gas or move away from family. Multiple friends who depend on grants for their jobs now need to look for new positions, through with that memo being rescinded it’s unclear what the future holds for them.

As I write, in the last two days alone, President Trump has signed executive orders rescinding federal funding of gender affirming care for transgender people, as well as federal funding for schools which affirm student’s chosen name and pronouns. That’s to say nothing about the executive order preparing to detain 30,000 illegal immigrants in Guantanamo Bay, a holding place founded by the Bush administration under the conception that it’s a space where neither US nor Cuban laws apply.

I want to include a call to action, but I haven’t personally done anything to try to affect change, and I don’t know where to start: another reason for guilt. I just keep thinking “there must be diamonds somewhere in a place that stinks this bad,” but then again, at least in 2016 the people doing Nazi salutes at Trump’s inauguration got punched in the face. I don’t want to discredit myself by comparing the current moment to 1940s Germany, but the warning signs all feel bright and garish, and far too great in number to ignore.

Amidst all this, I go to work. I play Minecraft. I watch TV. Each day, I get a little more desensitized to the world. But living and finding joy as a queer person feels good too, especially knowing people in power want to quash it. That’s not to say spite is a good motivator for staying alive, but on the bad days it suffices. When I need to feel more like a person though, I turn to a different perspective.

Do you know how many years you have left? Do you know how different the world will be by the time that you’re old? You have to see it. You have to affect it. Stay.

This comes from the end of an episode of TrashFuture discussing The Cass Report, a non-peer reviewed, poorly researched report recommending changes for how England’s National Health Services treats transgender patients (a report which, when summarized like that, sounds very similar to the CRC’s HSR). Though they’re talking to transgender listeners, in the days following the election that bit rattled around my head, and I reached out to Devon, who said it, to thank them, though it wasn’t meant for me. I got this response:

Text message reading "If [sic] course it was meant for you! If it resonates then I meant it for you."

I want to see how different the world will be when I’m old. I want to affect it. Hopefully it’s better than the world now.

2 Comments

  1. CT

    I want you to see the world when you are old and I want you to see your influence in it! Stay.

    Reply
  2. Judith Rooy

    We are, at least many of us who also hold on to the actual teachings in the gospels, praying the same. Thank you for your words, Sam.

    Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

post calvin direct

Get new posts from Sam Tuit delivered straight to your inbox.

the post calvin