I’m not usually one for the cheesy romantic holiday movies, but I started watching A Christmas Prince on Netflix and couldn’t look away. And then I watched another movie, and another, and it just kind of spread like a disease. I’m not exactly proud of it, but I did rate them.

The scale runs from zero to five cheeses, with five cheeses reigning supreme for the lamest pick up lines and most predictable plots.

Warning: Contains spoilers.

 

A Christmas Prince

🧀 🧀 🧀 🧀 🧀 5/5 cheeses

Netflix Description: Christmas comes early for an aspiring young journalist when she’s sent abroad to get the scoop on a dashing prince who’s poised to be king.

Prince Richard is misunderstood. Aspiring young journalist Amber—who somehow waltzes right into the royal palace after a press conference was canceled and is conveniently mistaken for Princess Emily’s new tutor—just wants to get to the bottom of who the “real” Prince Richard is.

Of course, there is an archery scene.

Of course, aspiring young journalist Amber doesn’t know how to shoot an arrow and says, “How do I do it?”

Of course, they fall in love.

Of course, aspiring young journalist Amber wears her red converse shoes with her fancy ball gown.

But why does aspiring young journalist Amber not comment on the size of the gigantic wooden acorn ornament the belated king whittled/carved/whatever before he died?

Of course, there is something “secretly hidden” inside it.

Loved every minute.


 

The Spirit of Christmas


🧀 🧀 🧀 🧀 4/5 cheeses

Netflix Description: As Christmas approaches, attorney Kate Jordan travels to Vermont to oversee the sale of an inn, where she falls for a handsome but cursed ghost.

This movie gets four cheeses just for the punny name. Ghost Daniel reappears at a Vermont inn each holiday season for exactly twelve days.

“Why twelve days?” asks attorney Kate Jordan, who is appraising the inn to sell. “Why Christmas?”


Partly because Daniel died at the inn around Christmas. But mostly because someone got the idea from the song, “The Twelve Days” of Christmas, and wanted to be very explicit on how original of an idea it is.

Falling in love with a ghost, though?

Patrick Swayze says, “Not an original concept.”

My favorite scene was probably when attorney Kate Jordan hears a noise in the inn, decides to investigate, and “accidentally” walks in on a shirtless ghost Daniel while he’s ironing.

 

Christmas in the Smokies


0/5 Cheeses

Netflix Description: In the Smoky Mountains, an ambitious woman works to save her family’s historic berry farm as her ex, a country music star, returns to town.

Ambitious woman Shelby works to save her family’s berry farm … shoveling dirt with perfectly straightened hair and while wearing cute winter gloves.

At the end of the movie, I still don’t understand why she’s harboring a grudge against her high school boyfriend after ten years.

I either missed that part of the plot, or it doesn’t make sense.

 

A Christmas Kiss


🧀 🧀 2/5 Cheeses

Netflix Description: An aspiring designer is mortified to learn that the mysterious man she kissed in a falling elevator is her callous boss’s boyfriend.

People and their spontaneous gestures when they believe their life is about to end, ya know? Aspiring designer Wendy is glammed up the evening she locks lips with her boss’s boyfriend in the elevator right outside her boss’s apartment, so when she sees him the next day right by the elevator outside her boss’s apartment?

He doesn’t recognize her.

When talking to her friends, she pretends to rant: “How dare you not recognize me? I may have been all glittered out, but I am still me.”

Then she takes a breath and says, “He should be able to figure that out.”

“He’s a guy,” her friend responds. “Guys can’t figure things out. They need things spelled out for them. Like Hooked-On-Phonics spelled out.”

Do they though?

Spoiler alert: He knew all along.

 

Naughty & Nice


🧀 🧀 🧀 🧀 🧀 5/5 cheeses

Netflix Description: A cynical big-city radio DJ goes to small-town Colorado to co-host a local show with an optimistic “love doctor” who revives his career and his heart.

HAYLIE DUFF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Rockin’ the cheesy holiday movies. That’s what.

 

Christmas Belle


0/0 cheeses

Netflix Description: As auctioneer Belle catalogs a hardened millionaire’s collection, their icy relationship starts to thaw—until her longtime suitor comes to visit.

HAYLIE DUFF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Making mistakes. That’s what.

I did not finish this.

Zero cheeses for the movie. Five cheeses to anyone who makes it through this.

Cassie Westrate

Cassie Westrate (’14) graduated with a double major in writing and international development studies. She currently lives in West Michigan, where she works as a writer, hangs out with her pet bird, and fights crime by night. Just kidding about the crime.

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