First Date Formula from an Armchair Anthropologist

No one prepares you for the brutal, exhilarating, but somewhat awful first date experience. I’ve heard plenty of theories, revelations, and lore about first dates. There are the horror stories and the successes. Surely, there is a science to it? Most of the time, you’re just trying to make sure this person isn’t going to body snatch you and throw you in the back of their car to feed to their exotic—and very illegal—Bengal tiger, right?

So what’s the formula? Is it great conversation divided by the amount of comfortably silent moments multiplied by the number of topic changes over the root of how nicely they talk to food service workers? ‘PEMDAS’ never prepared me for this kind of math.

So, I acted as an armchair anthropologist this month. I saw if any of my single friends/social media followers went on a first date in the last two months and asked them a series of questions. I had three delightful responses. (I did change names for privacy)

Pair Number One:

Thomas and Dylan went to Stella’s for dinner in Grand Rapids, then back to Thomas’s house. Thomas proudly showed off his Pokémon card collection. They watched a few anime episodes before they ended their date.

The first impression is everything, and Thomas was surprised, but Dylan’s enthusiasm for what they are passionate about pulled him in. Thomas also deeply appreciated how much Dylan eats. He’d been on dates where the other person barely touched their food, which can be weirdly off-putting. He reminisced that he accidentally went out with a “chicken tenders and fries only” guy once, and it was a tragic mistake.

However, this date stood out to Thomas because they shared many interests. However, their levels of obsession vary (Dylan’s way more into D&D), but there’s a ton of overlap, which Thomas found refreshing.

Thomas is pleased to mention that there has been a second date since and that he brought Dylan flowers; they hit up some card shops and went to a Korean BBQ. They now have a running joke that one day, they hope to go on a date that doesn’t involve Pokémon cards—so far, no luck.

Pair Number Two:

Rainy Monday night drinks may be a simple plan, but this date was some solid execution. Ann is not usually one to just grab drinks, but options are limited in her little Spanish city, so she figured, why not? The place was practically empty, and by midnight, together, they had basically closed it down.

Marcus forgot an umbrella (rookie mistake), so Ann walked him the ten minutes to his apartment in the opposite direction of hers—chivalry isn’t dead, folks. Their night ended with a cinematic goodbye kiss in the rain outside his door before Ann made the twenty-minute trek back to her place, thoroughly damp and giddy.

They hit it off—the date comprised great conversations flowing naturally sans the typical first date questions. Marcus asked her good questions, they shared their thoughts on travel, and he seemed to be open and easygoing. Compared to other dates, this is one of the better ones. She explained that finding open-minded people in a small city can be challenging, so this felt like a win. They’ve already gone on a second date. The next night, he and his friend joined hers at a language exchange! Later that week, She went to his place, where he made her pasta with a tomato and squash sauce. Very Italian. Very promising.

Pair Number Three:

Oh, this one’s a doozy.

Imagine this: a casual dinner date at a random Mexican restaurant in rural Wisconsin. Seems harmless enough, right? Enter Liam—a twenty-three-year-old who despised nearly all food except meat and cheese (a grown man, mind you). Meanwhile, Carmen, a champ carrying the conversation, is four margaritas deep, teetering on the edge of a blackout, yet somehow is still painfully aware that this was the longest two and a half hours of her life.

Then, as if the universe hadn’t already done enough, Liam decides that a seven-hour long-distance relationship is the move after this single dinner. Bold. He keeps texting despite radio silence, and when Carmen gently lets him down, he goes full Shakespearean tragedy, telling people she shattered his heart after two and a half hours.

Liam was a nice enough guy—just wildly irrational and desperately needs a reality check.

Professional Anthropological Opinions:

First dates are wild; I don’t know if I have the formula down. But I do think I need to keep an open mind about Pokémon‘s influence on a first date; maybe I need to dust off my old cards or get wildly drunk at a Mexican restaurant and always walk the stranger home in the rain. However, I think something should be said about the balance of vulnerability. Be authentic but also realistic. Honest, but also hold some cards close to your chest. Yes, keep watch for Bengal tigers, but also be open to maybe finding a good one. Anyways, good luck out there.