Board gaming is somewhat en vogue right now; Brooklyn hipsters wearing glasses with no lenses gathered around driftwood tables, drinking boxed wine, and settling Catan is not at all a difficult image to summon. I too have been known to enjoy a juego de mesa from time to time. Unlike much of my bespectacled cohort, however, I liked board games before they were big, and thus can—and will—speak with authority on which games are worth your time. Without further ado, the definitive board game primer (note: I counted down from the worst to best because no self-respecting writing minor would create a list that lacks narrative structure).

6,892.  Monopoly: Its amusing role in the underrated The Kings of Summer notwithstanding, Monopoly is the unholy trinity of boring, long, and preposterously luck-based. One is reminded of Dane Cook’s take on this “classic” board game: “Everybody has Monopoly… nobody likes it. Why? Because this is anyone two and a half hours in: *Slam* ‘F**k this game! It’s four in the morning, Grandma; YOU WIN.’” He is wrong on only one point: no one wins when playing Monopoly.

6,891.  Risk: Another charter member of the unholy trinity, Risk is the game of world domination only if world domination depended on a potential conqueror’s ability to load dice. Extra points deducted because you can tell who’s going to win after about one and a half hours, but everyone always wants to play the remaining four because, “it’s Risk! Anything could happen!” Ugh.

7.  Acquire: As this is America, it would unpatriotic of me not to include a game in which you are a high-powered financial investor, choosing which companies to invest in and when to merge, then selling when the share price skyrockets. The element of luck in Acquire is higher than I prefer, but I suppose that’s only appropriate for a game set in the stock market. I eagerly await the expansion in which they introduce the credit default swap.

6.  Dominion: Speaking of expansions, there’s no title which has embraced them quite like Dominion, a card-based economy game which—with eight current expansions and a ninth due for release next year—probably has an infinite amount of possible card combinations at this point. The key is to have the right combination of money and assets. Pro tip: villages are a great way to get your engine rolling in the early phases.

5.  Settlers of Catan: Often seen as the entry point to strategy board games, Settlers is well-balanced, constantly changing, and offers a good balance between luck and skill. I’m sure most of you are familiar with it, but the basic point of Settlers is to build a civilization using resources which you either harvest or trade for. There are different variations on the rules and a few expansions, all of which make Settlers a very enjoyable game for anyone, not just flannel-wearing faux-oenophiles.

4.  Game of Game of Thrones: I may be the only person in existence who was introduced to Game of Thrones via the board game, in which six players assume control of the six main houses (Targaryen is unplayed) and battle for control of Westeros. Very complex, very long, and extremely Machiavellian, A Game of Thrones: The Board Game (its actual title) is great to play with friends so long as you are comfortable with the fact that they may not be friends afterwards.

3.  War of the Ring: For those who thought Lord of the Rings was fun but too short, War of the Ring pits the forces of good against the armies of Mordor and Isengard. One of the best things about it is that the strategy of the two sides is radically different, which can be hard to pull off successfully in a board game. Nevertheless, War of the Ring does it with aplomb and, as an added bonus, gives you an excuse to quote Lord of the Rings for a few hours.
(That might just be a me thing; not 100 percent sure).

2.  Puerto Rico: One of the most innovative games I’ve ever played, Puerto Rico is about building a sustainable colonial economy through the use of “colonists” to work the plantations (In the original game they were little black cylinders. The game manufacturer has since changed them to grey. I have no idea why), doubloons to build structures, and ships to haul your harvest. There is almost no luck involved, so you win and lose based on the decisions that you make. That, and the fact that each player has his or her own game board, make Puerto Rico a truly excellent game. As good as it is, however, it’s still not as good as…

1.  Twilight Struggle: In which one player plays as Jacob and the other as Edward and you compete for Bella’s love through a series of supernatural contests.…
Seriously, it’s unfortunate that such a magnificent piece of game design has to be marred by its accidental affiliation with Stephanie Meyer. Twilight Struggle is indeed a two player game, which is its only weakness. The premise is simple: one player plays as the United States, the other as the Soviet Union, and you fight the Cold War. It is perfectly balanced, immensely challenging, and constantly thrilling. Each player has a hand of actual Cold War events, each of which have a different effect on the game. You must decide when and how to play them. Much like the Cold War itself, Twilight Struggle is a game of managing crises; your ability to do so will determine the outcome: whether the forces of capital-F Freedom will win the day, or if the world shall fall under the shadow of the godless Communist oppressor.

Andrew Orlebeke

After working in Washington, D.C., for two years, Andrew Orlebeke (’10) is in graduate school in Seattle, Washington, studying public policy. In addition to public service, he has a passion for traveling and an abiding love of sports.