Go read this then come back.

Let’s set the record straight.

1. Buying delicious and perfectly ripe produce at the farmer’s market, displaying it artfully in a bowl, then letting it rot on the counter. Eating a third can of sour cream and onion Pringles.

2. Sleeping.

3. Getting sunburned.

4. Packing a cooler, slathering on sunscreen, hiking up a dune, digging an umbrella into the ground, and then sitting in the drizzle wearing sweatshirts. Still getting sunburned.

5. Watching Netflix.

6. Going swimsuit shopping. Finding two types of swimsuits: lingerie and grandma’s pajamas. Taking twelve swimsuits to the dressing room and getting them off of the hangers. Leaving underwear on while trying on swimsuits. Wondering how anyone’s boobs can be that shape. Not buying any of the swimsuits.

7. Finally trying kombucha because it’s healthy and refreshing and will make you beautiful. Drinking one sip.

8. Walking their bicycles up big hills.

9. Trying to apply deodorant that melted in the car.

10. Working from home. Actually just drinking lukewarm beer and eating a fourth can of Pringles. Watching cat videos.

11. Sweating around a bonfire because it’s still eighty degrees at 10 p.m.

12. Thinking about going out tonight. Staying home.

13. Being single.

14. Buying old furniture that “just needs a little TLC” at the flea market and putting it in the garage. Getting ready to stub their toe on it for the eighteenth time in November.

15. Cleaning melted ice cream out of the trunk of the car. The grocery store is ten minutes away.

16. Running out of propane on the fourth of July. Buying buckets of KFC instead.

17. Spilling barbecue sauce on their white pants.

18. Screaming loudly when the weeds at the bottom of the lake touch their legs.

19. Not bothering to watch the Olympics because social media ruins all the results anyway. Feeling guiltily unpatriotic.

20. Surveying the political arena. Thinking about leaving the country. Feeling proudly unpatriotic.

21. Losing or sitting on three pairs of sunglasses.

22. Sweating. Not perspiring, not glistening. Sweating.

23. Not going for a run.

24. Stepping on seashells and swearing.

25. Hoarding Bed Bath and Beyond coupons to help finance the purchase of four wedding gifts, two bridal shower gifts, and one piece of sexy lingerie.

26. Scrolling back through #soontobeasmith so that they don’t wear the same outfit to this weekend’s wedding.

27. Pretending to like baseball.

28. Pretending not to like Bachelor in Paradise.

29. Looking through Sean from high school’s honeymoon photos. He really married up.

30. Gazing longingly at the flannel shirts in the back of the closet. Being ready for fall.

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