1. When talking to people who are teenaged or younger, I am no longer in my “cool” twenties. I’m in my “old” twenties.
  2. I keep a fastidious household budget.
  3. I enjoy keeping a fastidious household budget.
  4. I have three Pinterest boards dedicated to cleaning and organizing a house I don’t own.
  5. My friends and I get to the bar at eight and leave by ten because “the music is getting loud.”
  6. I am beginning to worry that the foods I eat will give me heartburn.
  7. I am beginning to worry that the foods I eat are high in cholesterol.
  8. Two or three times a week, I consider getting a copy of my credit report, just to ease my mind.
  9. I bought curtains. And matching throw pillows.
  10. “Seasonal decorations” no longer just means a two-foot Christmas tree with a party hat and some lights taped up by the window. I have boxes in the basement dedicated to “Spring,” “Summer,” and “Fall,” and exactly zero of my three Christmas tress look tacky.
  11. I use words like “tacky” unironically.
  12. I’ve gone to wedding showers.
  13. I’ve gone to baby showers. Without my mother.
  14. I eat breakfast because it jumpstarts my metabolism.
  15. I am keenly aware of things like my metabolism.
  16. Last week, I caught myself in the middle of a sentence that started with “Kids these days—“
  17. I dust.
  18. I watch documentaries for fun.
  19. I still have some posters hanging up that I bought in college, but I have since put them into frames.
  20. I’ve seriously considered getting a gym membership. Because of my metabolism.
  21. I’ve decided that a gym membership just isn’t in the cards for us yet. Because of our fastidious household budget.
  22. I’ve said the words, “I haven’t done that in, like, fifteen years” about something that I have distinct memories of doing.
  23. I’m grateful that my age almost always lines up with the last digit of the calendar year, because otherwise I’d forget how old I am.
  24. I had a mini panic attack when I found out a lot of really excellent celebrities are younger than me—Emma Watson, Jennifer Lawrence, Taylor Swift (by five days).
  25. I get really excited when I meet really excellent people who are older than me—people I admire and respect and want to emulate in some way—because it reminds me that being twenty-fivec does not mean I am “finished.” I look forward to getting older. Every day brings me farther and farther away from those awful decisions I made back in my early twenties.

Yet to come: being able to say “back in my early twenties” without sounding like a fool.

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