Note: This post requires a working knowledge of the character Stefon from Saturday Night Live. An acute awareness of obscure cultural references is also a plus.
Between-jobs WWE announcer: Live from the drag queen-filled cerebral cortex of Gabe Gunnink, welcome to the twenty-eighth annual Golden Gabe Awards. And now, your hosts for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Seth Meyers and Stefon!
Seth: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers.
Stefon: And I’m a peg-legged housewife with mild to severe plaque psoriasis and a dark secret!
Seth: Stefon! We practiced this at home!
Stefon: We practiced a lot of things at home, Seth. Do you want me to do all of them tonight? Because I did pack corn syrup and my Miss Piggy mask.
Seth: Stefon, you said if I let you host with me, you’d be professional and appropriate for all the everyday, run-of-the-mill Americans watching at home that just want to hear about Gabe’s favorite music, movies, and TV shows of the year.
Stefon: Yes. Yes yes yes. Got it. If you love running away from mills every day, we’ve got just the show for you! This show has everything: bangers, mash, the ghosts of Sandra Bullock’s dead pets, Crackle from the Rice Crispies box, retired carousel horses dreaming of one last run, and even a human vending machine.
Seth: Stefon, I’m genuinely afraid to ask, but what is a human vending machine?
Stefon: You know, it’s that thing of when like you stick a quarter up a toddler’s nose then jiggle him a little bit and some old fruit snacks fall out of his mouth.
Seth: Stefon! You’re the one putting coins in our kids’ noses!
Stefon: Only after they’ve lost a tooth!
Seth: Stefon, that’s not how the tooth fairy works!
Stefon: Oh, I know. The tooth fairy works at a Pakistani restaurant on the corner of 5th and nowhere. She hates it. We get brunch sometimes.
Seth: Ok, well I think that we should just get to tonight’s awards before we stumble any further off track.
Stefon: Yes yes yes. If you like stumbling along train tracks, I have just the category for you! 2017’s hottest songs are:
Song of the Year:
- “Brazil” by Declan McKenna
- “The Cure” by Lady Gaga
- “Die Young” by Sylvan Esso
- “Praying” by Kesha
- “Taste” by Rhye
And the Golden Gabe goes to “Brazil” by Declan McKenna! This song is just like my favorite club, Spicy!—it has everything: leather, bears, people with eyes, and goaltweekers!
Seth: I’m sorry. Goaltweekers?
Stefon: You know. It’s that thing of when people wear extravagant, sequined headdresses, snort a bunch of cocaine, and then try to keep people from yelling “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!”
Seth: Stefon, are you maybe somehow talking about the country Brazil?
Stefon: How dare you, Seth! You know never to mention country music around me! I have repressed childhood memories involving both Faith Hill and Tim McGraw!
Seth: I’m sorry, Stefon. Fortunately, this next category has no country music. The nominees for Album of the Year are:
Album of the Year:
- Melodrama by Lorde
- Rainbow by Kesha
- The Way is Read by The Staves & yMusic
- What Do You Think About The Car? by Declan McKenna
- Young by Overcoats
And the winner is The Way is Read by the Staves and yMusic! You know what else is red?
Stefon: Christina Ricci’s aura?
Seth: What? No! I was going to make a Trump-Red Scare joke, but you ruined it.
Stefon: Oh, well if you’re scared of red things, I have just the category for you! 2017’s hottest music videos are:
Music Video of the Year:
- “Boys” by Charli XCX
- “Broken Hearts/Bones” by Parlour Tricks
- “Get Some” by Ghosted
- “New Rules” by Dua Lipa
- “Nights with You” by MØ
And the winner is “Boys” by Charli XCX!
Seth: Stefon, I thought that you were going to be in that music video.
Stefon: I was. They sewed me into the giant pink teddy bear that Riz Ahmed was whispering all his secrets to.
Seth: Oh. What did he say?
Stefon: Seth! The bond between a man and his teddy bear is sacred!
Seth: So is the bond between husbands! You know what? Never mind. Here are the nominees for Best Television Series:
Best Television Series:
- The Great British Baking Show
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- Stranger Things
- Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
- Will & Grace
And the winner is RuPaul’s Drag Race! You know, I didn’t expect Sasha Velour to win going into the finale, but I must say, she really rose to the occasion!
Stefon: Yes yes yes. Season 9 had everything: Lady Gaga, sexy broccoli, creepy animated sidekicks, and even a human picture book.
Seth: Human picture book?
Stefon: You know, it’s that thing of when a drag queen is perfect and beautiful and stones her tights herself but doesn’t know the words to something. Speaking of pictures, 2017’s hottest pictures are:
- Baby Driver
- Call Me By Your Name
- Spider-Man: Homecoming
- Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
And the winner is Call Me By Your Name!
Seth: What?! But Gabe hasn’t even seen that movie yet. How can he know he’s going to like it?
Stefon: I haven’t seen I, Tonya yet, but I already know that it’s going to make me huff nail polish and break all my Barbies’ kneecaps!
Seth: Fair point. Now onto our next category. Here are the nominees for Best Performance:
- Titus Burgess in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
- Harris Dickinson in Beach Rats
- Gaten Matarazzo in Stranger Things
- Frances McDormand in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
- Sasha Velour in RuPaul’s Drag Race
And the winner is Frances McDormand in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri! Meanwhile, the award for best supporting performance goes to black voters in The Special Election Outside Selma, Alabama.
Stefon: And now on to our final category for the evening: Person of the Year. The nominees are:
Person of the Year:
- Tarana Burke
- Timothée Chalamet
- Roger Federer
- Sasha Velour
- Venus Williams
And the winner is Venus Williams! Needless to say, her Australian Open celebration has inspired my one-man show. It’s going to have everything: marionettes of world leaders, Civil War reenactors that don’t know when to dial it back, a supercut of just the parts of songs where rappers say their own names, and even a human xylophone!
Seth: I’m not even going to ask. For the Golden Gabes, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
Stefon: And kids, if you’re watching this, go to bed and eat all the Skittles I hid under your pillows because when Daddy and I get home we’re playing Candyland!
The nomination ballot is imagined by the only eligible member of the Gabe Gunnink Cerebral Press Association, who struggles for hours to choose only five nominees in each category. On the final ballot, the same member votes for one nominee in each category. Information concerning the final results is known only to the accounting firm of Gunnink & Gunnink, L.L.P. prior to today’s publication of the results.
Gabe Gunnink (’14) graduated Calvin with degrees in secondary education, Spanish, English, and writing. He is currently teaching our nation’s youth how to say the colors in Spanish but hopes one day to relocate to York, England, where he will write poetry out of tea shops, go for lolloping runs through the British countryside, set the record for the most treacle cake consumed in a single sitting, and work part-time as a magical singing nanny with a knack for reminding families of the important things in life.