Maybe they won’t answer.

Maybe they will answer but they’ll be suuuuuuuuuper nice and easy to talk to.

Maybe I’ll make a new best friend!

Over the phone

with this person

who is just doing their job

…of picking up the phone when someone calls.

Hmmmpf.

Nevermind, I don’t even need a best friend. I just need to make an appointment.

Like a professional.

That’s right: me, a professional appointment-maker! I do this ALL THE TIME! I LOVE IT! I love it SO MUCH!

HUZZAH!

*picks up phone and dials number*

*it rings*

*it rings again*

*hangs up phone as if it is not phone but actually poisonous spider disguised as phone*

OH MY WORD I STARTED CALLING BEFORE THINKING THROUGH EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO

WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING STUPID

WHAT IF THEY’RE REALLY MEAN AND COMPLETELY UNSYMPATHETIC TO MY SITUATION

Them: What do you mean you want to make an appointment?! You mean you don’t already have one?! What kind of idiot doesn’t already have an appointment!

Me: I concur wholeheartedly.

Them: You wanted to see if you could get an appointment soon?! Like, within the year of our Lord 2016?! Don’t you know how busy we are? Do you subscribe to our newsletter? If you did, you would know that we are much too busy to fit you in anytime in the foreseeable future. Also, you have to be a newsletter subscriber in order to make an appointment.

Me: Right. Totally. Yeah, newsletters.

Them: So the next time you want to call and ask such dumb questions, you might want to pretend your phone is a poisonous spider and hang up before we actually answer.

Me: Duly noted.

Logic: Cath, they’re not going to be mean to you. It’s their job to be nice to you and schedule appointments for people, including you.

Me: THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK, LOGIC

THEY’RE ACTUALLY QUITE SPITEFUL TOWARDS PEOPLE WHO ASK REASONABLE QUESTIONS IN A POLITE MANNER

Logic: Do you have any evidence of such spiteful behavior?

Me: Well, when you put it that way, no

Logic: Then don’t you think—

Me: CAN IT LOGIC I HAVE A PHONE CALL TO MAKE

Also you’re going to have to leave the room as I might say something stupid and I don’t want you to overhear it

*picks up phone and dials number*

*it rings*

*convince self to stay on the line if for no other reason than hanging up and working up the nerve to call again will take approximately five to ten minutes and I’m starting to get hungry so I don’t have that kind of time*

Them: Hello, this is Nancy. How can I help you today?

Me: HI! I mean, hello. Um, hi, I was wondering if I could maybe make an appointment maybe?

Them: Sure thing. What days and times work best for you?

Me: Um, well, um, I’m available most days and um…most times. Like, I work and stuff, but I can always leave and, you know, come back.

Them: Okay, great. I can schedule you in for next Thursday at 1:30 or the following Tuesday at 9:00. Which of those times would you prefer?

Me: Um, let’s do Tuesday.

Them: Wonderful, I will

Me: NO! THURSDAY! I MEANT TO SAY THURSDAY! NOT TUESDAY! NANCY DO YOU COPY!

Them: Yes, no problem, I’m putting you down for Thursday.

Me: Phew! What a relief. Thursday it is. I will be there on Thursday. Well, not this Thursday but next Thursday. That’s great. I mean, just wonderful. Thanks a bundle. I mean a bunch! Thanks a BUNCH. That’s what I meant to say.

Them: Thanks, have a great day. Goodbye.

Me: Uh………bye.

*collapses from phone call stress*

*vows to never need appointments for anything ever again*

Catherine Kramer

Catherine Kramer (’14) has a degree in English and works in publishing. Her continued existence is made possible by grace, warm hugs, and iced chai lattes.

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