Our theme for the month of June is “older and wiser.” Writers were asked to write a response to one of their previous pieces. Today, Olivia responds to her January 2024 post, “Word of the Year.

This is the first piece I’ve written that my grandmother will not read.

She was subscribed to the email list and always made sure to comment on my “latest post.” She was extremely tech savvy, snapchatting me messages every day to see how the weather was, what did I eat for dinner, did I see the Cardinals were winning? And why wasn’t I sending her any pictures?

She was an avid reader, flying through more books than she could even remember reading. Goggy always had at least two books checked out from the library, often consuming several books at one time. She read Emily Henry’s Beach Read and loved it as much as I did—then paid me the highest compliment: Emily’s writing reminded her of mine.

She offered me some sort of cookie every single time I visited her home.

She was the absolute dearest person to me, and now she’s gone.

My words of the year are healing and preparation, and I almost wish I hadn’t chosen them. I don’t want to heal from this loss, I just want Goggy back. I don’t want to prepare for a future that doesn’t include her, I want another one of her trademark hugs.

I’ve previously had a rudimentary idea of healing. Like you get a cut or break a bone, and it heals back so you can’t even tell there was an injury. I wanted things to revert back to the way they were, rather than to truly heal.

But scar tissue proves me wrong—it’s stronger than the original skin, but it looks different. You can tell it has been through trauma and come through the other side. Scar tissue is woven in with the rest and while the wound hurts less, it’s still an ever-present reminder of that pain.

It’s only been one week without her here, and I can already see the way my memories of her, now accompanied with twinges of pain, are weaving themselves into my daily life. The way everything lemon makes me think of her, and how I’ll smile every time I have ice cream because she never turned it down (not even before dinner). Every time I enjoy a new book or a really good hug, every time I see a Cardinal. Every time I visit the ocean or feel the sun on my face or eat a chocolate chip cookie.

When I wrote that post in January, I didn’t realize how much I was going to have to return to the basics of healing this year. I did make the move to a quieter, better apartment. It has given me a peaceful space to breathe, cook, sleep, and rest as the rest of my world is turned upside down. The Lord was preparing me then for what I so desperately need now: peace.

There’s no blueprint for handling loss, no timeline for when I’ll stop feeling a physical gut punch every time I remember something else we’ll never get to do again. But I do know that this loss will be a part of every day moving forward. Some days her memory will bring me more joy than sorrow, but she will always be with me. Healing will not be an absence of this pain but rather holding the sadness and still finding a way to move forward.

I’m thankful my scar from this loss will leave me forever changed because I want to remember. We will be mourning for quite some time, but I’m confident one day the Lord will turn our mourning into rejoicing. And in the meantime, maybe I’ll write a novel like Emily Henry—something Goggy would have loved to read.

9 Comments

  1. Linda Harre

    Seeet Olivia, she loved you so much. I am going to print this and hold it close. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. L. Stanfill

    This will resonate many who have experienced loss but not had your ability to put it into words. Deeply touching!

    Reply
    • Chris Gordon

      Olivia, what a beautiful description of your Goggy and your precious relationship with her. So much love, tenderness and beauty. My heart aches for you and your family and you are in my prayers. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. God has gifted you with being able to describe and pinpoint feelings of the heart.

      Reply
  3. leslie urban

    So precious and so ttue.

    Reply
  4. Shelly M.

    Wow! Such deep insight for such a young lady! Blessed and touched by your writing!

    Reply
  5. Sandra (Sandy) Wilmoth

    Dear Olivia, I have had the pleasure of knowing you thru your dear Goggy. She dearly
    adored you, quoted you and your “doings” often. I too have had the joy and pleasure
    of being friends with your Grandmother. Traveled with her, been the recipient of
    her loving support when my dear Jim passed away 22 years ago, and been at her side
    in her last hours. I realize that at this moment the pain of your loss is so deep, time
    will not erase that pain, but a lovely new awareness of all that she “deposited into you”
    will take its place. LOVE AND BLESSINGS, Sandy Wilmoth

    Reply
  6. Kathy O

    Olivia – what a beautiful testimony tot he relationship you had with your grandmother. The first sentence made me cry! After finding a tissue and getting through the rest, I can say two things. I hope my grandchildren will have such lovely memories of me someday, and, I am sure your grandmother is smiling down on you from Heaven, so proud of you.

    Reply
  7. Sandy J

    This is beautiful! What a gift to have your writing ability and what a gift your grandmother was to you. Thank you for sharing how special she was to you and vice versa.

    Reply
  8. Meg Rush

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Olivia. Having known your grandmother I could picture all that you described. She was a dear and you are so fortunate to have had such a beautiful relationship with her that you can treasure always.

    Reply

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