Note: I’ve changed everyone’s names so my friends don’t guess who I’m talking about, and I’ll admit this was the last topic I expected myself to be writing about while traveling in Japan. I’ve also never read or watched To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before.
Isaiah,
You didn’t know this at the time, but when I was nine, I made a pact with myself not to date until I turned sixteen. My mother always said dating young isn’t wise. My birthday was only a couple months away, though, so that’s not why I turned you down. Our personalities just didn’t match up well.
Sorry my rejection was so wishy-washy. You said to be more decisive afterward, but I was still a new Christian when you liked me and I was still deciding what I wanted. That and I was in denial of you liking me to begin with. When you did finally confess, I knew my answer had been no all along and I sort of just hoped you wouldn’t ask. Even at fifteen I knew not to start something I didn’t intend to see through. Sorry your sister teased you about it, though. That was awkward. The whole thing was awkward, really.
Parker,
I just reread our text conversations from when I was seventeen and you were twenty. Times were strange. Whatever we had going was strange. In case you were wondering, I’m not as socially awkward as I was back then, so now I’ve caught on to the fact that you liked me and I turned you down half on accident. In my senior year of high school, I was still learning how to communicate and value emotions, so I don’t think this would have been a good time for a relationship anyway. To prove my point, I for some reason was still disappointed when I hesitantly friend-zoned you over text and you actually moved on to someone else. I was determined to be friends with someone before thinking about dating, and didn’t want you to think I was leading you on like the last guy who liked me. I did like you, I think, but I’m glad I was so awful about saying it because now I know we wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I think I knew it then, too.
Cameron,
We met at a church young adults’ group the summer after my freshman year of college. Over the several years since I accepted Christ, I’d had friends enter relationships and had relatives get divorced and I had learned to “protect my heart.” I knew I didn’t want to start a relationship with someone I wouldn’t want to marry, and I had thought a little more about what I wanted from marriage. We only talked for an hour in person and then texted over the next couple days, but after my previous experiences I wanted to be clear right away that we could only be friends: when you asked if I wanted to go on a walk together, I said only if it’s not a date. (We never did go on the walk.)
Sorry if that stung. I reasoned that it would sting more if I said yes now and had to say no later. Better to just not get attached than to get attached and know it’s not a good match. When God wants me to date, He’ll let me know.
Stevie, Brady, and Gideon,
By the time I reached twenty and had still never been on a date, the stakes for what merits a first date had become pretty high. You probably didn’t realize how seriously I took all romantic opportunities at this point, but to give you an idea, the only one who had any chance of cracking the walls I’d put up was the Lord God Almighty Himself. Was I also scared of vulnerability and the possibility of heartbreak? Well, perhaps, but that’s why I’d be friends first before dating. I would never consider going to dating events, and using matchmaking apps is a sign of desperation and a lack of trust in God’s timing. Don’t search, is what I’d been taught, or you’ll make compromises. So I have never once actively sought a relationship in my life.
To myself,
A few weeks back, I had a conversation after church with some fellow young single people, and one of the boys was joking about setting his friend up on a date. His friend politely replied, “No thanks, I’ll wait for the Lord,” and then a boy next to him jumped in with, “I don’t need to wait—you can set me up!”
We laughed, of course, because it’s funny to see people enthusiastic for romance, and I didn’t think a thing of it until that idea of waiting for the Lord came up again later in a conversation with my friend. People make that argument all the time, she said. They say they’ll wait for God because they think putting yourself in situations where you might meet someone is betraying God’s plan. But isn’t it still God who put you both in that place? What sort of meeting are you expecting that will make you say, “Ah, that was God,” when is it not always God who sets order to our comings and our goings?
She had a point.
Especially because I’d just told her about a guy I wanted to get to know on campus. I’d been slightly agonizing over it for two weeks, and doing so had revived the hesitations about relationships that I’ve been building up over the past decade of saying no.
To all the boys I’ve never dated, I have no regrets about waiting and I hope neither do you. But I don’t have to be afraid of vulnerability anymore. I think it’s okay to like someone even if I don’t have any answers yet, and I think, God willing, I’ll try to talk to that guy on campus soon.
Emilyn Shortridge (’25) spent her Calvin years studying English linguistics, Asian studies, and ministry leadership, and intends to finish her Asian studies program in Chiba, Japan, in 2026. When at home in Plymouth, Michigan, she thrives anywhere near fantasy novels, houseplants, hot tea, or her calico cat, Genie, but she plans to live and learn in many cultures before deciding which corner of the world needs her most.
