‘Tis the season for cheesy holiday movies. It wasn’t until last year that I truly began to appreciate the comedy of Hallmark Christmas movies. Each one has roughly the same name, plot, and rotation of actors. You can even print off a bingo sheet with common plot elements, and you’re guaranteed to win every time (can confirm from personal experience). And thankfully, Netflix has joined the bandwagon with their own brand of this same genre. So much content, so little time.
So this holiday season, I have taken note of the several cringe-worthy movies that kept me company while decorating my apartment, and decided to share my rankings with you.
Let it Snow (Netflix, 5/10)
This one was disappointing. I had high hopes from the trailer (always a mistake), but this movie had too much going on. Of the several interwoven plots, there was only one couple I cared about. The only Christmas connection was that it took place on Christmas Eve. But the real kicker is this: there is a woman who wears an outfit of tin foil and everyone makes a big deal out of it, but it is never explained. For weeks I’ve been wondering why. The world may never know…
Highlight: the ending was perfectly predictable…sometimes you just have to let it snow.
Best line: “Snow is the spanx of nature.”
Holly Star (Netflix, 7/10)
This movie started out with a creepy puppet show, but it only went up from there. The acting was decent, and I did care enough to see how it ended (which I realize isn’t saying much, I suppose). Holly Star is labeled as a comedy, and it did end up being funny, but more for its cheesiness and less for the jokes actually written into the script.
Highlight: the Santa bar brawl—a literal bar full of men dressed as Santa get into a giant fight.
Best line: “Money doesn’t really matter, it’s good friends that make life worth living.”
The Knight Before Christmas (Netflix, 8/10)
I was possibly too excited about this one, mostly because I am still nostalgic for Vanessa Hudgens’ High School Musical days. I don’t think the movie was terrible, but I did spend most of the movie wondering why none of Vanessa’s family members were concerned that her new beau claimed to be from the 1700s. But it was the quintessential cheesy Christmas movie.
Highlight: literally anytime he said “methinks.”
Best line: “A guest house, on a teacher’s salary?”
Write Before Christmas (Hallmark, 10/10)
Ten minutes into this one, there were already a lot of storylines. But when Chad Michael Murray came on the screen, I was taken right back to my A Cinderella Story days. This nostalgia may have swayed my review, but this one gets the best marks. I actually believed (and possibly got too invested in) the love stories. Plus, I’m always here for a good pun.
Highlight: the plot centers around snail mail, a nice change of pace from Instagram direct messages.
Best line: *creepily whispers falalala while mailing letters*
Christmas Crush (Netflix, 4/10)
This movie is painful. The main character is still in love with her high school ex and genuinely looking forward to her high school reunion. What transpires is every nightmare I’ve had about returning to high school combined, plus an unnecessary remix of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear. Spare yourselves.
Highlight: when I finally found my remote to fast-forward through the musical number.
Best line: “I LOVED high school!”
Despite their cheesiness, these movies have given me an excuse to gather with friends, curl up by the light of the Christmas tree, and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And for that I am grateful.
Olivia graduated from Calvin in May 2018 with a double major in business and writing. She now works as an editor in Nashville, Tennessee and is eating her way through the restaurants of her new town. She enjoys weekend trips with friends, petting other people’s dogs, and drinking coffee like a Gilmore Girl.