Our theme for the month of June is “confessions.”

Raised and educated in the heart of protestantism as a pastor’s daughter and Calvin grad, I have long been familiar with repentance, atonement, grace and salvation, but not as intimately with the formal act of confession. In search of inspiration for this month’s theme I did a quick search to learn more about what I considered to be a thoroughly Catholic practice and learned that in that context it is sometimes known by its more formal name: “The Sacrament of Reconciliation.” This phrase was vastly more compelling to me, feeling more hopeful and less weighty than confession, which leaves us fully in our own depravity and grief rather than moving towards the wholeness and grace. As a sacrament, I especially like the idea that it is an anchor point we can return to again and again.

I found the phrase especially interesting as I prepare my heart for the lifelong commitments of engagement and marriage. I know by listening to the experience of others that this unique relationship will require more confession and reconciliation than other, more casual connections. Unfortunately, it is also increasingly apparent to me that our transient lifestyles and broad social groups have left these muscles atrophied simply because we aren’t required to remain in relationships over long periods of time. We don’t stay in neighborhoods, cities, jobs, or relationships long enough to really see and eventually come to love the worst of ourselves and others because the wide world of options gives us an escape hatch as soon as anything compromises our “peace.”

My grandparents’ lives exist as a helpful point of contrast to highlight this evolution (devolution?): they have lived in the same small town for ninety years and will have been married for seventy years this August. While they might choose different words, I know they would say that to stay in a place or in a marriage for that long requires an ability to participate daily in the sacrament of reconciliation. Slights, miscommunications, stress, and pride work daily to fray the bonds of neighbors, friends, and spouses so the need for regular, disciplined confession, forgiveness and reconciliation becomes obvious but still difficult.

While I would like to think that I am able to humbly admit my mistakes and wholeheartedly participate in joint efforts to repair the relationship and learn for the future, I admit that I am often defensive. Even if I don’t express the arguments in favor of my actions, I am usually crafting rebuttals and excuses in my mind. Maybe this is the healthy outworking of a functioning ego, but even in my limited experience of committed relationship, I see that conflict is most wholly resolved when we are moved by the pain reflected in the person before us. This opens our hearts and minds to all the ways that pain could be resolved, including productive and honest discourse by positioning us as helpers rather than adversaries.

Patrick is exceptionally good at this. When there is misunderstanding or hurt, he is genuinely troubled and works to make it right as quickly as possible with astonishing tenderness. It is an incredible gift to be partnered with someone who so regularly denies himself the indulgences of anger or defensiveness. Thanks to this, we are often able to move directly into a calm evaluation of where we went off the rails, find each other again, and move forward in love. This pattern of good-faith also wards off resentment and the harboring of past slights as ammunition for future arguments. While I know we won’t always confess, forgive and reconcile perfectly, this feels like a good place to start. What hope and joy to know that we have days and weeks and years ahead to practice!

Ansley Kelly

Ansley Kelly (’16) makes her home in Rochester, NY, where she delights in short, sweet summers spent sailing and long winters spent skiing at her favorite mountain. Between outdoor adventures, you can find her buying books more quickly than she can read them and indulging in mid-morning naps. She works for Wegmans Food Markets where she finds purpose and joy in feeding her community and the wider world.