As a certified creature of the night and professional English lit nutcase, I have been gifted numerous books of gothic stories by brilliant loved ones. Some of them are novels, others fabulous ghost stories, or compilations of penny bloods. Like all literary people, I own more books than I’ve read and have an extensive stack of things I ought to read that seems to only tragically grow—But! The mind hack of these books is that they’re gifts and anthological! Therefore, they are easy to pick up and put down at my leisure.
One such book I was gifted was called Penny Bloods: Gothic Tales of Dangerous Women by Nicole C. Dittmer. It was a marvelous gift from an internet friend for no particular occasion, just someone who’d clocked my vibe and got me a present—and what a present it was! Within those pages I read a number of phenomenal historical stories featuring such a plethora of different kinds of literary ‘evil’ women.
But there was one story that stood out to me in such a strange but profound way: The Skeleton Count, or, The Vampire Mistress by Elizabeth Grey from 1828. It’s a bawdy tale of a young count who makes a pact with the devil for immortality and magic powers which he uses to bring the local village’s recently deceased hot girl back to life. The two of them fall in love and live in his castle together, but both are secretly suffering from dark circumstances. As punishment for his evil pact, Count Rodolph is cursed to turn into a skeleton at night. Meanwhile, Bertha’s resurrection gave her life but in order to sustain it she must sneak down to the local village at night and drink the blood of the villagers. Of course, during the day they both act like they’re just two passionate lovers in the Count’s castle. But when the people discover Bertha’s body is no longer in its coffin, they storm the castle for justice. Count Rodolph tries to save her, but being only a skeleton at night, he is overwhelmed by the villagers. They take Bertha from the castle to stake her into her coffin in the cemetery never to rise. The count, meanwhile, turns back into a man with the morning and runs from the castle never to be seen again.
Now, as a literary person there are many topics of criticism I could get into with this story: the count’s choice to revive a sixteen-year-old so he might have someone eternally subservient to him; Bertha not remembering anything from her previous life and pretty quickly is in love with the Count for no real reason; Bertha and the Count’s explicitly sexual relationship being an immediate marker for deserving death; Bertha’s dark curse being the result of the Count’s actions and no choice on her own part; and of course, Bertha being taken by the villagers to be ‘fixed’ in her grave while Count Skele-man gets to leave the story essentially unscathed—all very good things that should be ruminated on and discussed with great detail!
But frankly all I’m thinking when I finish this is how has no one adapted this thing into the gothic romcom the people crave?!?
It needs a little work for sure, but please tell me someone else sees the vision. This story has everything: a gothic awkward meet cute, a romantic adjustment period, secret keeping for what they think is the other’s benefit, and a third act confrontation where they face a common enemy that forces them to overcome their differences. Just add a scene at the end where the Count Rodolph in his skeleton form breaks Bertha from her coffin so they can be together as themselves without any pretense and it really starts to shine!
I have a number of reasons why this story stays in my mind: firstly, I think it’s a really fun story! It gives you brief but interesting characters with bizarre but fascinating problems both between each other and the world as a whole. It’s a quick read, but with sturdy bones (pun fully intended). There’s a lot of room to expand ideas and flesh out (only semi-intended) characters—especially Bertha. Secondly, I love the romance between the Count and Bertha. Their situation is complicated and a bit messed up in aspects, absolutely, but that’s gothic! Messy people are interesting! Yes, these two who’ve never met before are crazy to immediately swear themselves to each other post dark ritual. But that’s why it’s fun! With a little polish, I think they could truly be the next great cinematic gothic romance if given the chance. Enough people incorrectly think Dracula’s a romance—why not give them something that actually is?
Thirdly, the romcom is pretty much dead. Romantic comedies do not exist like they used to in the 80s and 90s for a number of reasons (genre saturation, the decline of the mid-budget film, etc). In our modern film landscape, horror is the genre taking power. While I certainly wouldn’t mind a true horror movie run at this story, I don’t know if there’s a way to deliver a man turning into a skeleton that would not be deeply deeply funny. Therefore! I believe it would make a fantastic spooky girls-night romcom (a ghouls-night film, if you will). If the romcom is dead, why not revive it from its grave in a gothic fashion? I know the idea of a horror romcom doesn’t seem informed, but it has precedent! Only two years ago Lisa Frankenstein came out wherein a girl kills people to give her newly undead dead partner new body parts. Before that, you have one of the greatest romances ever put on screen: Gomez and Morticia Addams from The Addams Family. Their dynamic is especially who I would want this kind of film to emulate. Gomez and Morticia’s onscreen chemistry is undeniable. Their passion for each other is unrivaled and you can feel it every step of the way. The Addamses adore each other with such a ferocity that you know nothing could ever come between them. They are absolutely everything to each other and will be to and beyond their very deaths.
Now imagine one of them turns into a skeleton. Nothing else changes—they’re still absolutely and madly in love with each other, but one becomes bones while the other drinks blood.
It’s perfect.
The struggle, I think, will be sincerity. It’s hard to see the title The Skeleton Count and not start to laugh. I had the same reaction when I first saw it! But while there is some humor to the story, I don’t want the story itself to be the joke. That way lies irony poisoning; that is the current Hollywood machine where you can put in a story and receive two hours of “well that just happened” so that everyone’s time is wasted! No, my dream is for this to be the kind of story where people surprise themselves that something like “The Skeleton Count and the Vampire Mistress” could make them feel real feelings. After all, the idea at the core is more profound than this silly penny blood might suggest:
Think of being with someone you love and who you know loves you but still keeping some part of yourself away from them, something you’re so ashamed of that you desperately lock it away and go along like it doesn’t exist—until the mob is right at your door and you can’t pretend anymore.
I mean it’s just sitting right there and has been since 1828. How have we not taken advantage of this opportunity?!
Obviously, I would prefer it to be the period piece it is, but I wouldn’t be opposed to an Easy A or 10 Things I Hate About You modern interpretation. For obvious thematic reasons, it would also track to have a Skeleton Countess and her Vampire Mistress! Whatever form this incredible story needs to take to spread to the masses, I am here for it. I want The Skeleton Count in all its pulpy gothic romantic glory to be known to the people. I want Rodolph and Bertha to be added to the list of great literary lovers. I want a perfectly trashy romcom dripping with gothic drama about being honest with yourself and the ones you love.
Do I think Hollywood will ever spring for it? Certainly not on their own. So I guess I’m just going to have to figure out how to write a screenplay.
Sam is unsure what exact words describe them best: Lunatic has been used, Gothic Romantic is apt, and Big ol’ Nerd is reductive but true. Mostly they just like stories in whatever form stories can be found. Sam specializes in Frankenstein, running “The Uncanny Productions” on YouTube, but they also dabble with podcasts, singing, and theatre as well. They have a DVD collection that’s long outgrown its shelf, a coffin they use as a desk, and an unrelenting joy for things that are spooky, ridiculous, or magical.
