I have split my pants in two countries, three states, multiple venues, a Trader Joe’s, and one state park. Before I had done so myself, I assumed splitting one’s pants was something that only happened in silly cartoons. But now I know I am not the only one with this eventuality. However, I have found that I have a bit of a knack for it.
Here are ten of the places I have split my pants:
The Abigail House: Grand Rapids, MI
My college house living room on Abigail Street was definitely the right place and space to tell everyone I could do the splits—and I can. This was my first time splitting my pants. Before then, I had thought it to be a myth.
Commons Dining Hall: Grand Rapids, MI
I was sitting in a booth with my friends at ‘Sinners breakfast,’ which Calvin students colloquially call going to breakfast at Commons dining hall during the time they carve out in our schedules specifically for chapel. As I slid out, my pocket got stuck on the seat, and the seam of my pants split. I won’t lie; I was surprised by this one. Maybe it was my karmic consequence for deciding to pursue the mound of corn beef hash I had just inhaled instead of going to chapel; I don’t know. But I do know I picked the wrong day to skip wearing underwear.
First Floor of Hekman Library: Grand Rapids, MI
Well, I’m still unsure if I actually split them here or if it is just where I noticed I had ripped them. Either way, it was a bit of an awkward walk back to the dorms. This was by far the most helpful trip through the Calvin tunnels for me.
Abigail House, Again: Grand Rapids, MI
I had another party in my living room where I tried to do the splits—I still got it.
Joshua Tree National Park: Joshua Tree, CA
This time, I split my pants in the front when I was shimmying over a rock on my stomach, trying not to plummet to my death. My friends—bless them—in solidarity for the rest of the scramble also wore their jackets tied around their fronts.
Rumors: Grand Rapids, MI
Rumors is one of the magical places in Grand Rapids where—I promise you—folks are probably looking at someone or something else. I had danced a little too hard and split my pants, but thankfully, I don’t think anyone batted an eye.
Trader Joe’s: Grand Rapids, MI
It happened in the grocery aisle when I worked at Trader Joe’s. Thankfully, this was towards the end of a closing shift. We’re picking up so many boxes. I always lift with my legs, and I knew this pair had to be on its last leg. HA. Nothing tying a sweatshirt around my waist can’t fix.
Pinhook Halloween Party: Durham, NC
The Pinhook is a bar in Durham that hosts many different events. It is always a gamble to see whether they will have a seasoned DJ. Halloween was the night they went all out, so I also had to. I dropped it low, maybe too many times.
Rubies at Five Points: Durham, NC
Rubies is another excellent dance bar in Durham. My shorts were unprepared for a great DJ and a circle of people asking me to vogue. If you’ve ever seen voguing done, it is very involved, and I had to give the people what they wanted—or at least my attempted version. My knees have never been the same.
Pinhook, Again: Durham, NC
Only a few weeks ago, I split my pants again at Pinhook. They might have already had a little rip, but it was Rhianna vs. Beyonce night. It had to be done.
Splitting your pants has this reputation for being embarrassing, shameful, or uncool. I reject that. It’s a display—generally—but it’s also a display of vulnerability. When I split my pants, I can’t control how people are going to perceive me. But I can control my response. Splitting your pants is HILARIOUS. When I embrace the humor of this silly act, the feelings of shame, embarrassment, or mortification melt away. Life is too exhausting to take oneself too seriously. Normalize laughing at yourself and dance on, do the splits, or continue your hike.
Izzy Nunez graduated from Calvin in 2022 after studying graphic design and sociology. Today she lives in Durham, North Carolina where she is a graphic designer for Duke University. She is growing to love Durham and all its southern charm even if she complains that its breakfast choices aren’t as good as they are in the Grand Rapids.
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This is fire. VERY funny. I genuinely can’t believe all the times you’ve split your pants. This is an unexplored skill set.
thank you thank you, all are true stories. i even split my pants today helping a friend move a dryer lol
Hey Home Team! I don’t know if I should console or congratulate you! A fun read!
INCREDIBLE, Izzy Nunez!