Most of what I want to do I don’t end up doing. Or, I do it, but not as well or as often as I would like. This starts a cycle of talking negatively to myself and not being happy with my life because I am delaying full happiness until my life is up to a certain “quality standard.” Maybe this is a symptom of wanting to do too much—or maybe it’s just part of being a human. 

Recently, through therapy, self-reflection, and just getting a little older, I’m moving the needle toward “I’m feeling better about this” and away from “I need to live my life the right way.” Life can’t, and shouldn’t, be something to perfect. If you’re anything like me, you might have scrounged around in desperation for answers and stumbled upon Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, Atomic Habits by James Clear, or Peter Attia’s ad-free podcast. While these are all extremely helpful, there are still many days where I’m stuck in my familiar negative self-talk cycle. Insert sunglasses emoji with finger guns

This is why, growing up, I intensely related to Paul’s frantic passage in Romans: 

“For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” (Romans 7:17–20, The Message)

Enter the Center for Action and Contemplation. They have an article outlining a different way to understand sin. Richard Rohr writes, “I often say we are not punished for our sins; we are punished by our sins.” No notes. 

In the same article, they call upon Enneagram teacher Russ Hudson. Hudson does a classic pastor move by taking us back to the “original Greek.” He says: “The Greek word hamartia was most often translated as ‘sin’ in the New Testament. But this word did not imply transgression in the sense of breaking a rule or defying an authority. It meant ‘to miss the mark’ as in an arrow that misses its target. Hamartia is the way we lose balance and ‘self forget’—the way we fall away from the direct experience of Divine Grace.” 

Understanding sin as “missing the mark” helps me remember that God made us good and most of us want to do well. Understanding sin less as a bad thing we do and more as separation from God is immeasurably helpful for me— it makes it relational again. 

My best advice is to give up the pursuit of perfection; imagine the mark as a reasonable target that you can hit without feeling the need to hit a bullseye every time. Surrender yourself to imperfectness. Oliver Burkeman in Four Thousand Weeks says that “Once you give up on the unattainable goal of eradicating all your problems, it becomes possible to develop an appreciation for the fact that life just is a process of engaging with problem after problem, giving each one the time it requires—that the presence of problems in your life, in other words, isn’t an impediment to a meaningful existence but the very substance of one.” Once you read this a couple of times, you start to understand that the frustrating things in your life are your life. 

As I age, I try to find ways to love the process of tasks. Brandon Sanderson gives this advice to authors. He says that authors should try and cultivate “a love of the process,” so that “you’d write those books even if you never sold one.” If you struggle like me, it’s okay. It’s a process.

3 Comments

  1. Sophia Medawar

    Oh my goodness NEEDED THIS

    Reply
  2. Ansley Kelly

    This is so lovely Isaac! Thank you for writing this missive to those of us who feel the weight of missed marks. “The frustrating things in your life are your life” is beautifully to the point. I also find Fr. Richard to be an especially helpful guide. Thanks for pulling in such great wisdom.

    Reply
  3. Blake Staat

    Bringing out the big guns with a Moneyball clip!!! Love to see it, fantastic read on a rainy November Monday (read: “depressing Monday”). Cheers!

    Reply

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