Please welcome today’s guest writer, Kelli Grimm.
I am not enough.
I have spent my life trying to be as close to perfect as attainable. I want to be liked but don’t want to try to be liked. I want to be smart without being a know-it-all. I want to be kind but relatable. I want to be close to people but not need them. I want to be sufficient in and of myself. And sometimes I trick myself into thinking I’ve achieved all this.
But I am not enough. And this past year of my life has taught me that over and over again.
I grasp for control over my circumstances, over others, and over myself; however, things never follow my plan and people don’t make the choices I wish they would, and even I let myself down daily.
On a walk with a friend down a leaf-covered trail, she told me of a conversation she had once about singleness with a group of young women. She reminded me that God doesn’t guarantee us each a spouse—a year ago this wouldn’t have meant too much for me but that day I felt a tinge of fear and sadness at her words. For so long I wanted to forgo any type of romantic relationship for a number of reasons such as avoiding drama, not wanting distractions, and the like, but there was another reason: I didn’t want to give my heart to someone who would then have the power to see me as I am and hand my heart back, telling me that I am not enough. And so, instead of looking for a soul mate, I decided to be my own.
I heard it once said that God looks at our plans and laughs. While I don’t love the image, I did see irony in my life as my previous wants and dreams were turned on their head over the course of the past year. So much so that while walking with my friend and hearing her tell me that God doesn’t promise us each a spouse, I could share in her concern. I’d begun to want the fairy tale I’d once seen as impossible and now I was being reminded once again that love might not be in the cards for me.
She continued her story and said something that rocked me. She said that one girl in her group said of her own singleness, “I had to look at my life and decide, is Christ enough for me?”
I’d jumped ahead in my mind and filled in the question myself before she’d said it—since I didn’t know if I’d ever find someone who wanted me for life, I needed to decide if I was enough for myself on my own. I was sure that was what she was going to say. But she did not. She asked whether in her own life she was trusting Jesus Christ to be enough for her. It was a humbling moment as I saw how skewed my mindset truly has been.
God doesn’t guarantee that we will find love or that someone will come along and want us as we are– broken and messy. God does promise to love us though. And so, looking forward at an uncertain future, we each need to come to the realization that we are not enough. A spouse or family member or best friend is not enough. So, is Jesus enough for us?
Is Jesus enough for me?
I want to be self sufficient. I want to fall deeply in love someday with someone who will be my teammate for life. I eventually want a family with that person. But even if all these things come to pass—it will not be enough. No friend can be perfect, no parent can be infallible, no spouse can love completely. And I am not enough—not for anyone else and not for myself. Only Christ is enough. The words are easy—trust is hard.