Our theme for the month of October is “haunt.”
My mother has eyes for nothing but Jesus, my father, and Architecture, and I love this about her. I can show her any movie or favorite show of mine and regardless of the story, themes, or iconic moments, I know she’s going to say something about the house. Neither of my parents have stopped talking about the house from the movie Zathura: a Space Adventure since we watched it back in 2005.
It was foolish of me to think anything would be different as I got older or into scarier movies. Not even the barrier of genre would keep my mother from pointing out gorgeous hardwood staircases or crown molding. A little thing like ghosts couldn’t keep her from finding the perfect house.
So here are the best haunted houses according to the expert, my mother:
Allerdale Hall from Crimson Peak (2015)
When a young well-off American woman’s father is killed, she’s whisked away to an old, semi-derelict Victorian Mansion in England by her alarmingly new husband and his sister. While living there, our protagonist finds her health fading and secrets screaming to make themselves known from the very ground of the manor.
Allerdale Hall is the platonic ideal of a gothic haunted mansion, and for that reason I utterly adore it. It is all dramatic peaks and spires—faded finery, portraits choking the walls, and grand arches reminiscent of cathedrals. It’s the perfect place to wear a flowing, diaphanous gown and race down the stairs with a candelabra in hand.
My mother thinks this house is beautiful! Showing her photos, she was absolutely in awe of the craftsmanship, pointing out the beautiful finials on the grand staircase. She lamented the state of it, demanding someone fix that hole in the roof as a house that beautiful shouldn’t be in such a state.
However, she also described the house as intimidating. The front hall is massive and grand in a way that seems to loom over you, overbearing in a way that’s almost threatening. The set designer purposely built the house to appear to be slowly swallowing our protagonist. The house itself is a beast, trapping our hero, slowly consuming her. As much as I adore the drama of the house, I do agree: a house that’s actively trying to kill you is not a great place to live.
My mom does like the great hall though! The half library, half music room would work quite well for her and my father. The trick would just be figuring out where to put the TV for them to work on their daily NYT Puzzles together.
Cuesta Verde from Poltergeist (1982)
A young family living in a planned community begins experiencing strange happenings in their home. Household items break, or fly, or are impossibly stacked on the table. Things quickly escalate as the spirits turn violent, children are attacked and kidnapped by the ghosts. The family has to do whatever they can to save their family and get these ghosts out of their house.
Fun fact: the Poltergeist house went on sale a few years back. I showed my folks pictures from its listing without telling them what it was. Both were entirely nonplussed, giving shrugs and nods with unenthused smiles. It’s a perfectly fine California McMansion, clearly the height of style in the 80’s, with its raised dining room and half wallpapered walls. It’s not particularly impressive.
The main question would be does the portal to the ghost dimension in the children’s room count as extra square footage?
The Conjuring House from The Conjuring (2013)
A young family moves into a new home where a strange presence begins to make itself known (I’m sensing a theme), benign at first but quickly escalating to dangerous heights. Yes, The Conjuring could be considered Poltergeist with less Clown Dolls, but the homes in question are very different!
My mother had slightly more interest in this one—a lovely two story farmhouse with colonial styling. Her overall feeling was “It’s nice, but not ideal.” Her main complaint about the interior was the outdated radiators, bemoaning how they’d need to be sandblasted and repainted. She also said that Colonial was not really her style. The second floor porch annoyed her, and the single dormer in the center of the roof looked like an eyeball, watching. It wasn’t for her.
She liked the large tree in the yard, commenting on the history that tree must have lived through. She was less enthused when I told her that tree’s the reason there’s a noose on the movie’s cover.
Hill House from The Haunting of Hill House (2018)
If there is a single piece of media that I would like to embed in my ribs so it can be with me all the time, it is Mike Flannagan’s The Haunting of Hill House. A married couple of house flippers buys an old manor house thinking it will be their final flip before getting to settle down with their five kids in their proper dream home. However, things start going wrong with the renovations until one night Dad piles all the kids into the car and leaves. The next morning Mom is found dead in Hill House and no one knows what happened. Twenty-some years later, the kids are adults doing their best to make sense of the complicated lives they’ve been leading—until things start going wrong again. And Hill House begins calling them back.
This was the show I wanted most to show my parents, mostly because it means so much to me. It’s about members of a family who love each other while all dealing with trauma and issues they can’t always explain. They’re messy people who hurt each other but do care for each other.
I also knew my mom was gonna absolutely love this house.
The hardwood is stunning yet simple. It’s not gregarious like Allerdale hall, but it’s just as marvelously designed. It has proud, grand staircases and hallways of simple patterned stained glass windows. The wood paneling is just beautiful. The library is stunning, the arched doorways are fantastic, and the chandeliers are marvelous. It’s well crafted and stately, but not overly pretentious. It is grand, but it’s also a place where a family can live. I think this quite suits Hill House, as it’s the haunted house that loves you. It will hug you, it just…won’t let you go.
It’s nice to know that even if my mom and I don’t agree on everything, we’ll always share a favorite haunted house.
Sam is unsure what exact words describe them best: Lunatic has been used, Gothic Romantic is apt, and Big ol’ Nerd is reductive but true. Mostly they just like stories in whatever form stories can be found. Sam specializes in Frankenstein, running “The Uncanny Productions” on YouTube, but they also dabble with podcasts, singing, and theatre as well. They have a DVD collection that’s long outgrown its shelf, a coffin they use as a desk, and an unrelenting joy for things that are spooky, ridiculous, or magical.
This is such a unique way to rate haunted houses, and what an adorable way to connect with your mom. I don’t like scary movies but now I might check these out to see what your mom is talking about.