Like most, I grew up watching The Muppet Show and the various accompanying blockbuster Muppet movie hits. Stars like Rita Moreno and Candice Bergen got to guest star opposite some of my favorite silly characters, while I was stuck watching from my couch. I would’ve liked the chance to date a Muppet—or at least to try. So, here are my top most eligible Muppets:

Author’s note: I want to state up front that I’m not actively pursuing a relationship with any Muppets, nor would I ever truly consider doing so. They are all way too old for me. 

 

Kermit the Frog

Kermit would make an incredible boyfriend. He’s organized, creative, plays banjo, green—so he would match everything. It’s no wonder why Kermit is featured most frequently in any Muppet production, or on front pages of magazines with Hollywood starlets. Kermit’s sweet voice and sweeter hue would make him anyone’s top choice. That is if he was available. But all fans of the frog would do well to remember (as would I) that Kermit is taken and has been in a relationship since the 1980s. Which leads me to my next candidate:

Miss Piggy

I would love to date Miss Piggy, probably because I would love to be Miss Piggy. And I won’t lie—a bit of the attraction does come from the fact that she is so unattainable. Her passion and devotion for Kermie would make it impossible to turn her head. But one can dream, I suppose!

Statler and Waldorf

I know what you’re thinking, “Carlisle, those Muppets are old! And there’s two of them!” First of all, all the Muppets are at least 69, so maybe think about that. And secondly, what’s better than one boyfriend? Two! Especially two with such great seats for watching The Muppet Show!

Gonzo

Gonzo is courageous, often to a fault. Gonzo the Great is known for his stunts and also for being such an individual, he struggles to fit in. While I respect and admire his craft and his career aspirations, I think I would have a difficult time being the girlfriend of a stuntman—too much anxiety over how the stunts would go. And with Gonzo, the answer is probably not well. 

Fozzy Bear

I like Fozzy Bear, I like his style, and I like that he’s a comic. However, as an aspiring comedian, I worry about whether our careers would end up in competition. I wouldn’t want to wind up like so many famous couples where one career (mine) takes off really well and the other person (Fozzy) is left in the dust. That being said, he would be great to cuddle with on cold winter evenings. 

Swedish Chef

While this one seems self-explanatory to me, let me break it down. I like to eat yummy food. The Swedish Chef could make me yummy food. He also has a mustache and a cool, hot accent. 

Janice

I like to assume that only real Muppet fans know who Janice is, but in truth, how could any miss the beautiful, blonde, left-handed guitarist in The Electric Mayhem? Janice has amazing style, she’s ambitious, driven, and has the talent to back it up. Anyone would be lucky to land a date with Janice, especially me. No matter how powerful a couple we would make, I think I would ultimately be too much of a homebody for Janice. 

Rizzo the Rat

If you know me at all, you may know I have a penchant for dating people who sort of resemble rats—in the most complimentary way possible. But Rizzo doesn’t just look the part. He also grew up on the mean streets of New Jersey, came from a big family, and loves pizza. I’d be more than happy to settle in Jersey, meet his huge family, and eat nothing but pizza with him forever. 

Beaker

Meep meep. Need I say more?

In conclusion, although there are many Muppets I would consider dating, I am thankful that I’ll never have to narrow down this list—or worse, pick one. I’ve already found a Muppet of a man who has all the best qualities from the list above, without any of the felt.

 

Photo credit: Flickr user Sally (CC BY-NC 2.0)

3 Comments

  1. Izzy

    One day, I hope to be as cool as Janice.

    Reply
    • Sophie p

      Beaker is the only one for me

      Reply
  2. Courtney Zonnefeld

    As you may have seen in recent viral videos–Sweden is also home to Olympic pole vaulter Mondo Duplantis, so the Swedish chef may also have amazing skills beyond the kitchen…

    This is a fabulous piece, Carlisle! Hilarious.

    Reply

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