Almost as soon as I thought “Hmm, I should create a public transportation moral alignment chart,” I discovered that dozens of these exact charts already exist. I’m going to share mine anyway because, chances are, you’ve never come across this particular version and it will somehow enhance your life!
Lawful good: underground metros. They’re on time and reliable (good). They require the passenger to commit by going through lots of hoops, like descending escalators and passing through three-pronged gates (lawful). They’re the ultimate public servant, carrying hundreds of people between large swaths of city and whooshing into the station with breathtaking speed.
Lawful neutral: above-ground trams. Trams are like subways but less efficient and less clean, earning them a neutral designation. They’re like buses but permanently threaded to tracks and more likely to be on time (lawful). Even if you can only squeeze into the last car like a sardine, that’s an extra five minutes you didn’t have to walk after a long day at work.
Lawful evil: limousines. No vehicle meant to carry about three people needs to be that long. Limos, more than other forms of transit, are likely to carry people pursuing self-serving goals from within the system, always shaking hands and maintaining a shiny exterior.
Neutral good: walking. The humble, steady rhythm of one foot in front of another is hard to misconstrue. Walkers aren’t trying to dominate or conquer anything. They have the potential to be a little chaotic or to be perfectly lawful. They might be late more often than the metro-riders, but they’re putting less carbon into the atmosphere.
True neutral: cars. Car owners in big cities have no choice but to follow the rules (only reluctantly lawful), landing them in traffic for a larger percentage of their life than they like to think about. They probably carry around bad attitudes in their homes and at work from all that suppressed (or not suppressed) rage. Still, they’re more responsible, and their choices more cost-effective, than taxi users.
Neutral evil: taxis. Taxis might be all yellow and charming, but their dirty undersides will show eventually. They will try to swindle you at the airport with promises of fair rates in foreign currencies and jut into the crosswalk when YOU have the right of way. Don’t let them. They share responsibility with all the other wheeled vehicles for clogging the streets and polluting the air, but they don’t serve the common person nearly as well.
Chaotic good: bikes. Bikers can get from point A to point B faster than almost anyone in a city without any of the carbon emissions. They manage to take one of the most mundane parts of the day and turn it into a dopamine burst. Bike lanes can’t contain them; they weave in and out of street and sidewalk, flying against the flow of traffic, flirting with red lights. You’ll find some lawful bikers out there, but deep down they’re in it for the thrill.
Chaotic neutral: buses. Not the most on-time. Not bound to a simple, traceable track. Buses are the most likely to make you queasy, always jostling you around against some stranger while a baby cries in the back. But buses come through in the peripheries—the predawn hours, the city outskirts—just when you really need them to.
Chaotic evil: scooters. Scooters are not for commuters. They’re for party people. There’s nothing wrong with that until the scooter-ers find some way to cause a scene, like stopping to answer a Facetime call in the middle of an intersection. All I’m saying is there’s a time (midnight) and a place (a long empty street) for joyrides.
Michal graduated from Calvin in 2022 with a major in writing and a minor in global development studies. She’ll be working with a refugee resettlement organization in Hungary for the 2022-2023 year. She is always up for a spontaneous trip to the closest beach.
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Thanks for the Friday morning chuckle, Michal!
this is amazing