I’ve had a hot minute to think about what happened at Calvin last Tuesday. I have a fifteen-ish minute drive in the morning, then a twenty-five-ish minute walk. Given the nature of my job at the moment, I do most of my work alone. Then it’s another long walk and drive home, giving me even more time to think. Most of the thinking has been how I was going to tackle it because there was no way I was going to not tackle it.
I thought about the years and books behind me that led me to where I am as a transgender man. I thought about resources about queer affirming theology and bigger issues that Christians need to be wrestling with rather than how “sinful” I am (still a good option. There’s plenty of material there). I then paused and thought about how certain students at Calvin, and plenty other full-grown adults, have plenty of access to those resources (especially students at Calvin) and way more time and energy to search them out than I do, so here is what I decided to say:
Gay brothers and sisters, nonbinary siblings, trans cousins, undecided aunts and uncles, queer babies who are not out and who are scared, and straight cis folks who might need the reminder, we do not owe anyone anything, especially random folks hanging out on a lawn.
A Single.
Motha.
Fucking.
Thing.
Not our time. Not our energy. Not our arguments. Nada.
Don’t bother getting receipts because I know what I said.
We don’t owe folks a debate. We don’t owe it to them to entertain their ideas and theology in the interest of “promoting this free exchange of various ideas and viewpoints,” especially when they turn off comments and deny us the exchange. If you have it in you to fight, wonderful. We’re all rooting for you and have your back, but know that your words and the space you take up in that conversation are a precious gift that you can cut off at any time. You are so much more than a talking point. You are a life, a soul, a sliver of divinity wrapped up in earth. That makes you more precious than people small enough to think you’re just a debate topic can ever realize.
So, that’s all I’m going to say about that, but I can’t very well end the essay here.
So, how are you, dear one, whoever you may be? Did you drink enough water today? Did you take your meds, if you have them? What have you done today to make yourself smile? Breathe in. Breathe out. Think of the funniest meme you’ve seen all day so you have an excuse to smile. Do you know how wonderful you are and how happy I am that you’re here? Do you know how happy your Mother God is that you’re here?
Are you tired? I am too. Make sure to take care of your aching heart. Mine hurts too. I find that walking outside barefoot helps. So do favorite songs, shows, and movies I know by heart—whatever it takes when we’re all still so separated. Do what you need to do, dear one, and go forth with confidence, knowing you’re so much more than any of us on this earthly realm can ever realize.
More than anything, remember there’s love and life in abundance waiting for you and that such things are what’s really worth your time and energy.
Sincerely,
A happily married transgender man who met his queer wife at Calvin
Finnely King-Scoular (’14) is stationed at Naval Station Norfolk in Norfolk, VA, where he lives with his wife, Rosalind (’13). His writing, including the Faerie Court Chronicles series from NineStar Press, focuses on contemporary fantasy with an emphasis on LGBTQ+ representation.
I don’t think I could be a bigger fan of this piece. Excellently said, Finnely, and an important reminder that conversations are all well and good until they begin to neglect the actual *people* involved. A person’s value is intrinsic and irrevocable, and should never be trivialized for the sake of the “exchange of ideas.” Be well, you are loved.
Thank you so much, Lillie ❤️
BRAVO Finnley!!! This essay was absolutely perfect
Please forgive me for spelling your name incorrectly Finnely. I don’t know how to edit my comment. I really appreciate so much you writing this piece.
No apology needed! I take full responsibility for how obnoxious the spelling of my name is. Thank you for your comment!
Yes yes yes YES! Marginalized folks are not intellectual clickbait for small-minded people to “debate.” This piece is the perfect response!
Amen, Absolutely right on and thank you!!!
Cara ’90
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this, Finnely. As a fellow queer Calvin alumn, this was incredibly encouraging and uplifting to read. Thank you!
Yes! *snaps* Thanks for this, Finnely — grateful for your voice.
Right on.
– a happily married enby…who met their queer wife at Calvin
Fuck yes.
YES TELL THEM. I love this!
Something makes me feel like you don’t actually want your mind changed. 😀
It’s a lovely attitude you have, turning your concern over an affront to a more positive, healthy response. You want to look after those who are hurting, who feel pressed. That’s admirable, but I don’t want to end my response there.
While it is true that you don’t owe anyone anything, I would still encourage you to love those people who disagree with you. Treat them graciously, kindly, respectfully–treat them as you wished they treated you. Treat them thusly even if they never return the kindness.
You may think this egregiously unfair. That you don’t deserve to be treated in such a manner and that they certainly don’t deserve to be treated so highly. But if you really want to change someone’s mind, someone’s heart, someone’s life, the world, knowledge and fairness and justice cannot do that. Only love can. And if you believe “love wins” but only show love to those who believe similar things to you, who only support you and your beliefs, then I don’t want such a shallow love to win. As long as people perceive an “us” and “them” there will be no reconciliation. We can say “but they should do this” and “they should know that” (and both sides certainly do), but if arguing and blaming and debating is all we do, nothing will transpire. If we scorn and ignore those who disagree with us, refuse to interact with them, see them as small-minded, arrogant fools, then we become the true monsters. Acting with such derision denies any hope for a harmonious future.
Could they have handled the situation better? Probably. But we cannot control others’ actions or responses. We can only dictate our own. We must be the ones to initiate. Love so rarely starts on an equal field. Someone first has to be willing to stoop, to offer, to follow, to invest. And that’s not easy. Rejection is a very real possibility. Continually giving ourselves is difficult. We want others to give to us, but that doesn’t always happen. The question is, will we be willing to love, even when it’s difficult, even when we don’t seem to be getting anything in return or getting what we think we need?
I wish I could paint a clearer picture of what that love looks like for you, but I am still trying to figure it out myself. I know it is not subservience, letting dissidents trample and take advantage of you. But I think in some ways, you will know best how to love, so long as you treat others as you wish to be treated. To show others you are more than they think you are. That there are more commonalities than differences between us. That we are all people first.
It will be difficult. It will probably majorly suck. It will be exhausting and frustrating and I do not blame you for being tired or needing a break. But love it worth it all, and more. I know you have it in you. And I wish you nothing but the best, my friend and brother in this life.
Carry on.
I’m so sorry it took me forever to see this, friend ^^;
Sometimes loving someone looks like walking away because
1. You have nothing loving to say to them
2. You value your time and energy enough to know when you should prioritize yourself.
I’m an out trans man on an aircraft carrier, serving under nearly impossible standards in the midsts of a pandemic and trying to educate folks around me in a daily basis. I don’t have the time and energy for folks who don’t have time to even try to listen—there’s not enough hours in the day or spoons in my soul. If loving these types folks is so important, cisgender/heterosexual folks can take the helm and give us queer folks a break.♂️ It’s not my calling to meet these kind of people where they are and I refuse to feel sorry for that anymore.
Sorry that probably wasn’t the response, brother
*response you wanted.
I really wish we could edit comments lol
Oh no worries.
Well, my darling mother always said, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.” Maybe she needs to do more preaching. 🙂
I totally understand. We give from what we have, and when we feel like we have nothing, it makes giving difficult. I don’t fault you. You face circumstances and difficulties daily that I don’t and frankly know little about.
I’d still argue that it is your calling, though. 🙂 How you choose to live your life, ultimately, is up to you. And I think that you should give time for yourself. Self care is important too. But “you” aren’t the only one in the world. Everyone needs care, regardless of who they are.
(It would be nice about the editing, though, ngl)