In this economy, with rent prices following Isaiah 40:31 and soaring like eagles, it is highly probable that you will be forced, at some point and for some duration, to move back in with your parents. There are several reasons why this might happen to you after college, but whatever the case, when moving back in with The Parents post-graduation, the territory will have shifted. Ground rules will have changed. You are not living in a Barbie world; it’s your parents’ world, but you are most definitely living in it.
Put Everything Away
I’ve been told by an expert source on the subject that The Parents genuinely want grown-up children to feel at home and welcomed in their house, but they just don’t care to see any of your paraphernalia littered around the place. There will be no setting down of the keys on the kitchen counter, leaving the cereal bowl in the sink, ditching your shoes in the foyer, or draping your jacket over the couch, unless you would like said keys, cereal bowl, shoes, and jacket to disappear from the face of the earth. Pro Tip: when entering The Parents’ House, pretend to be a hiker in the wilderness, taking only memories and leaving only footprints. Scratch that. Best not to leave footprints either.
Turn the Volume Down
Do you remember how much The Parents used to love listening to you blast Taylor Swift or the Jonas Brothers from your bedroom at 10:00pm? Guess what, they still feel the exact same way. Set your speakers at least five notches quieter than normal. Turn down the volume all the way until you think you stand behind a closed door and no one outside the room could hear it. Then turn it down just a tad.
The New Cat is Not Your Friend
If The Parents have added a furry friend to the family after you flew the coop, you would be wise to remember that the newcomer, however cute, may not be on your side. Moreover, if the aforementioned furry friend happens to be a white calico with ginger spots and big, fawning eyes who lets The Parents play with it and cuddle it, do not expect to receive the same treatment. Some scratches and chomp marks may be incurred while attempting to make friends with the cat, who will glare at you when the two of you are left alone, as if somehow you are responsible for the disappearance of The Parents (who are just at the grocery store and will be back in an hour). Approach the animal with utmost caution.
Negotiate the Terms of Food
As tempting as it seems to schmooze off The Parents, it’s important to take grocery-shopping into your own hands at times. This will solve some conflicts, as you have by this time developed your own eating habits that are definitely not quirky and haphazard and exclusively pasta-based, and your parents have gotten used to cooking for themselves and not you. It will also create its own conflicts, however, because it is an unspoken but very enforceable rule that whatever is placed inside the refrigerator becomes the property of the refrigerator’s owner, which in this case is definitely not you. Objection will only face certain defeat under the “Do-You-Know-How-Much-I-Fed-You-Over-The-Years” offensive, so if you have carefully curated ingredients to meal-prep for tomorrow’s work lunch, but find some key ingredients suddenly missing, you have only two options. Option #1: Say nothing and do nothing. Option #2: Still say nothing, but quietly retaliate by stealing scoops of ice cream from the beloved Breyer’s carton. There is no Option #3.
Reimburse Your Hosts With Quality Time
While it is advised that you find some way to “pay rent,” perhaps in monetary form or by taking on home improvement projects, The Parents will still expect you to pay some of the dividend in board games or movie nights or dinner around the table or shopping trips. You are allowed not to like the clothes your mother picks out for you at Target, and she is allowed not to like the clothes you pick out for her, but participation is obligatory and enlightening. You’ll definitely learn things about yourself. And you’ll learn a lot about The Parents, for better or for worse.
But mostly for the better.
Note: Any similarities to real Parents or real events (or real felines) is absolutely coincidental. The information presented is the opinion of the author and does not constitute any legal or medical advice and is intended for general, educational purposes only. Moreover, the author makes no representations or warranties about the completeness, accuracy, or reliability of this information as anything other than a one-sided account. Any use of this information is on you.
Also note: This post calvin blog post is approved by The Parents
Hannah Riffell has landed in Lansing, Michigan twenty-three years after she was born there, nineteen years after she moved to Mississippi, seven years after she moved to Northern Michigan, and two years after she graduated from a university in Grand Rapids. You probably can’t find her because she’s either exploring the state, wandering around her city, or just lost in her own head.
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Any similarities to real Parents or real events (or real felines) is absolutely coincidental–I laughed out loud! Bravo, Hannah!
So sweet! I love it Hannah!! Kudos!
Please note that The Parents are good writers and may write their own guide.