Method 1: The Death Glare

How to execute: First, practice your death glare. The look that shows you mean business and nothing but business. To perfect this method, one should also practice your death glare on cute people, people who glare back, and people that present semi-compelling arguments. For example, when telling a middle-schooler to stop talking to their peer, they may respond, “But I was talking about the assignment.” Your response should be: Death Glare.

This works on: Students that have an innate sense of right and wrong, students who are used to adults being intimidating and students who want the teacher to think highly of them

This doesn’t work on: Students who aren’t intimidated by your presence alone and students who have a better death glare than you do.

Warning: If attempted with no results, should not be repeated. Students may begin telling the entire school that when kids act out in class you “don’t do anything.” You do NOT want to have this reputation.

 

Method 2: The“Write his/her Name Down on the Board for People Going to Lunch Detention.”

How to execute: This method is best done calmly, and after asking the student or entire class to do something nicely first. (Sit down, stop talking, take off your hats etc.) When the student does not comply, simply write the name down on the board. Continue writing names until students begin to get it together. Erase names of students who make a consistent effort to settle down, pay attention and stay on task for the rest of the period

This works on: Students who love their lunch period and therefore hate lunch detention. These are usually students who are very social and like having the opportunity to go outside.

This does not work on: Students who go to Lunch Detention every day and have therefore accepted their fate to never do anything fun. Students who have already received Lunch Detention from a previous teacher and have therefore given up on doing anything right for the rest of the day.

Warning: Could result in loud bursts of outrage and throwing of notebooks/pencils. Could result in students running up to you and demanding to know exactly why they are being singled out and picked on. Could result in waving arms frantically every time he writes a word down on paper in hopes to be taken “off the list.” Could result in student sulking and refusing to do anything productive for the remainder of the class. Could result in students erasing names off the list when your back is turned.

 

Method 3:  The Phone Call Home

How to execute: “Hello this is Ms. Higgins calling from MS###, I am _________’s ELA teacher. I just wanted to touch base with you again to remind you that _______ has so much potential, but he/she is choosing to play around in my classroom instead of focus on his/her classwork. Please remind him/her that passing ELA is very important for his/her academic future and that even though I know he/she is SO SMART, we all need to work together to create an environment where all of us can learn. Thank you for your support. I will be contacting you again to update you on _______’s progress.”

This works on: Students who have parents/guardians who care to be involved in their life. Students who have parents who follow up school consequences with at-home consequences. Students who are motivated by pleasing parents/guardians.

This does not work on: Students who have parents who receive multiple phone calls home and are sick of hearing from the school, students who have parents who don’t answer their phones, Students who have parents who are unconcerned with behavior as long as their child is passing.

Warning: Could result in you suddenly having seventy-five new contacts in your phone. Could result in you texting/calling parents more than your own family in an effort to keep them informed. Could result in texts from parents at all hours of the day/night.

 

Method 4: The Incentive/Reward

How to execute: A variety of ways. The best is to wait until Friday and add up merit points, good behavior tickets, etc. for the week and distribute candy, pencils, post-its, or some other small treat.

This works on: Students who LOVE FOOD.

This does not work on: Students who don’t care about rewards. Students who think they are “too cool” for prizes from the teacher.

Warning: Could result in kids literally begging for candy when they don’t deserve it. Could result in kids leaving your room at the end of the week extremely upset because they didn’t get a reward even though just yesterday they were rolling up the worksheet you gave out and using it as a megaphone to sing Bobby Schmurda to the rest of the class. Could result in stolen candy/prizes. Candy should be kept in a locked location.

 

Method 5: The Guilt Trip

How to execute: “I really cannot comprehend why it has to be this way. I can’t believe I wake up every morning and have to come here and deal with this. I can’t believe I stay up late into the night preparing a fun and interesting lesson and THIS is how you treat me! You should be ashamed! I could be working anywhere right now and doing anything and I’m choosing to be here with you. And guess what? I’m going to be just fine! I already passed seventh grade! But I’m sad for you because you are choosing to give up on your future when there is someone here who can help you! If you don’t want to learn, at least have the decency to sit down and be quiet so that someone else can. You guys are embarrassing yourselves by acting a fool like this. I swear, if there weren’t bars on these windows I would jump out.”

This works on: Usually girls who see that you are on the verge of a breakdown and want you to feel better because they kind of like you. Students who are suddenly interested in the fact that their teacher is clearly losing it.

This doesn’t work on: Students whose brains aren’t fully developed and therefore do not have a strong sense of logic or human empathy. (see also: all Middle Schoolers.)

Warning: Could result in one of your favorite students telling you, “Whoa Ms. Higgins, you need to stop. I think you’re going to cry.”

3 Comments

  1. Laura

    Method 6 (at least for high school seniors): actually cry. All the boys will get super uncomfortable, all the girls will feel bad. Everyone will shut up, at least for about 15 minutes until you get yourself back under control.

    Warning: can only use this once, maybe twice, effectively. otherwise you’re just a crazy weepy teacher.

    That’s my experience, anyway . . .

    Reply
  2. Rebekah

    Method #7
    Get Bea.

    Reply
  3. Elaine Schnabel

    I tell my college students they’re acting like middle schoolers when I want to shame them. It works on the some of the girls at least . . .

    Reply

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