Our theme for the month of March is “light.”

Who of you post-graduates miss the convenience of a walkable college campus? If you’re anything like me, now that you’ve graduated, walking five minutes has become quite the uncomfortable task. Lucky for you, I’ve turned my life around with just five easy steps that can get you back that sprinting-to-class-because-your-alarm-didn’t-go-off stamina. 

Okay, maybe that is a little optimistic. I don’t know that I’ll ever be in college shape again, but I do know that this light and easy workout can get you out of your just-graduated slump. Without further ado, here are my five steps for the working gal who rots in a desk chair from 9 to 5. 

Step 1: Take pre-workout.

This chemical-tasting fruit punch will give you a surge of energy that makes your face feel like it’s going to fall off. Another slightly undesirable side effect is that you will certainly  need to poop within the next 1–30 minutes (time may vary so be prepared). Despite some of the slightly less-than-ideal side effects, this magical elixir will give you the boost you need to make you feel like you’re going to explode unless you go as fast as you can on the elliptical. It might also make you forget about how much you hate the elliptical. 

Step 2: Go for a walk. 

Go outside your apartment for a little jaunt around your building while doing your best to avoid busy roads. To keep your mind off the plantar fasciitis you inherited from your mother, bring your fiance along. If you don’t have one of those, a friend you don’t see for the eight hours of desk-decomposing should do. Once outside, talk it up. Try and push through the burning sensation in your face, legs, and hands so that you can talk about your day of answering emails and fielding phone calls that are meant for other people. 

Step 3: Use the elliptical. 

As I have already established, going on the elliptical sucks, but it is a better cardio alternative to running on a treadmill, especially for my readers who, like me, have asthma. To take your mind off of how much you hate cardio regardless of how you do it, put on a show you’ve watched every day on repeat for three years and mouth along to the lines you’ve memorized. The sweat dripping into your mouth is just a bonus treat! 

Step 4: Lift weights. 

Now that the pre-workout has worn off enough that you can stop running to escape the impending explosion of your beating heart, pull out some weights. If you don’t know where to start, try doing the exercises your fiance vaguely remembers from when he was on his high school football team before quitting three weeks later for being called “Pukey.” He puked his second week in. Don’t be embarrassed to pick up those low weights, everyone has to start somewhere. And don’t worry about the young zumba instructor and one old woman dancing with her. They aren’t watching you. At least not that much. 

Step 5: Go back to your apartment without passing out.

Now that you’ve completed your light workout, try your best to make it up the stairs leading you back home. If you can’t, there’s a chance you actually did a medium or difficult workout. This is completely possible because the pre-workout can trick you into thinking you are stronger than you actually are in a similar way that adrenaline allows a mother to lift a car off her trapped purebred dog. Regardless, once you’ve made it back, sit on your couch and regain the energy to go take a shower. Don’t forget to reminisce about the times you got exercise in your daily life from just walking to class.

At the end of the day, do what you want. Who am I to tell you what you should do? Because let’s be honest, I’m just someone who’s about to marry a man called Pukey.

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1 Comment

  1. Kyric Koning

    Yea workouts! It’d be nice if they actually worked out.
    The jokes certainly make them more bearable, so thanks for that at least.
    A fun little piece, playing with two forms of ‘light.’


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