Hi, Tiffany, I know you’re scared. You’ve never been in a relationship before, and you feel like you’re behind the curve just starting to date at twenty-three. I promise, the next year will be wonderful, but also, if you got your head on straight sooner, it’d be even better, so here’s some things you learned that might be helpful to you:
Stop comparing your relationship to other people’s.
Your friend will note how similar you are to each other, and how similar your boyfriends are. Then you’ll spiral when they break up, crying to your boyfriend in the Celebration Cinema parking lot asking if he’ll do the same things to you. He’ll reassure you that he would never.
Your Texan friend will bond with you over the fact that you’re both in your first, healthy relationships together, and you’ll swap stories of your partners’ sweetness. Then you’ll spiral when they break up, and your boyfriend will tell you that he’s not your friend’s partner.
Your boyfriend will tell you, “Your relationship doesn’t have to look like someone else’s to be good.” Then you’ll stop overthinking it.
The fact that you’re similar can be a good thing.
Yes, you’re both non-confrontational, and sure, our mom always told us that we needed someone harsher than you, someone who could take up the sword while you held up the shield. She said that you needed someone your opposite, someone who could make you stronger.
You’ll find that your romantic, sensitive boyfriend can emotionally validate you in ways that you’ve never experienced before, and you’ll realize that you don’t want someone who won’t cry with you when you’re mourning. You realize that this heals something in you.
But you’ll still worry that you’re missing something, some crucial ingredient that will make you two last.
A year later, you’ll be hanging out with his friends, and one of them will curtly ask you to stop rubbing your socks on the carpet. You’ll agree, embarrassed, but he turns to his friend and makes him say “Please.” You’ll worry about it less after that.
Doubts are normal.
I know you hate uncertainty. When you got fleas in your yard, you watched your landlord personally spray every square inch of the lawn, but you still begged her to pay for an exterminator “so you could be sure the fleas were dying.”
Your sister will tell you, “Being anxious about something doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. It just means you have anxiety.”
Who would’ve guessed you’d be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder two months later? Go figure.
So you wail against the uncertainty that comes with dating, but it won’t do you any good. Doubts come with the territory, and if you were completely sure, you’d be engaged. It’s okay to wrestle. It’s okay to wonder. It means that you’re thinking this through, and it makes your choice to stay so much stronger.
Enjoy it.
I know, I know. You’re rolling your eyes. Literally everyone (and I mean everyone from your mother to your coworkers) are telling you this, and you always dismiss it because you’re not sure what that means.
But after you get diagnosed, you’ll realize how much time you spend in your head. Planning your next weekend won’t make it more enjoyable, and worrying about your schedule won’t make more time in the day. Truly, take a breath, and focus on the man in front of you. He’s worth paying attention to. He’s worth more than your worry, and he’s right there, and yours.
Tiffany Kajiwara graduated from Calvin in 2022 with majors in literature and writing. Now, she continues to live in Grand Rapids and works at Baker Academic Publishing as a marketing assistant. In her free time, she enjoys crocheting, thrifting, and psychoanalyzing cartoon characters.
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So relatable! These are fantastic points and you verbalized them beautifully.