Our theme for February is actually a challenge: write a piece without using first person pronouns (I, me, we, etc.)
Here—this now, not yours—everything remains cloudy (with a chance of meatheads). What follows is a forecast of the Iowa Caucus, which, at the time of this writing, is set to occur tomorrow—this tomorrow, not yours—February 1, 2016. You, reading this post, may be enjoying February 2, perhaps 3, perhaps the year 2020, who knows. As such, you will have heard the polling results that have not even taken place on this end at the time of this writing. Nevertheless, fifteen predictions, since fifteen major candidates remain in the running for president [i]:
- On the one hand, there will be hoopla.
- On the other, there will be gnashing of teeth.
- One Republican will receive the most votes for his or her respective party.
- One Democrat will receive the most votes for his or her respective party.
- If victorious, Trump will gloat and make a jab at Fox News and Megyn Kelly.
- If defeated, Trump will gloat and make a jab at Fox News and Megyn Kelly.
- Iowa will bask in its quadrennial day of attention.
- People from Iowa will let you know they are from Iowa.
- Ben Carson will continue his record-breaking somnambulism.
- If bested by Trump, Ted Cruz will be sad.
- If he bests Trump, Ted Cruz will still look sad (such hurt in those eyes).
- Wolf Blitzer will have a long day.
- If Hillary takes it, some people will cheer and some won’t.
- If Bernie takes it, the news will mention Barack Obama and the 2008 caucus every ten minutes.
- If O’Malley takes it, hell will be frozen over.
[i] These predictions will most likely be lacking in accuracy but not in tongue-and-cheek.
Jacob Schepers (Calvin ’12) is the author of A Bundle of Careful Compromises (2014), a winner of the 2013 Outriders Poetry Project competition. His poetry has appeared in Verse, The Common, PANK, The Destroyer, and others. He lives in South Bend, IN, with his wife, Charis, and two sons, Liam and Oliver. He is both an MFA student and doctoral candidate in English at the University of Notre Dame.
