Next month, I will be moving to New York City. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. The concrete bunghole where dreams are made up.

If you’re anything like me, pretty much everything you know about living in New York City comes from television and movies. So as I contemplate the changes in locale and lifestyle that are right around the corner, I find myself imagining which NYC character I will relate to the most. I have also created personal goals based on said characters. Some options:

Andy Sachs from The Devil Wears Prada

Smart Midwestern woman with journalistic ambitions moves to the big city and loses all semblance of work-life balance and workplace boundaries. Spends a lot of time frantically running around Manhattan attempting immensely frustrating tasks.

Similarities: Smart, Midwestern, ambitious

Differences: Scoffs at inappropriate times in meetings, listens to small children who are clearly very conniving, doesn’t know how to spell “Gabbana”

Goal: Figure out how to turn my pitifulness into someone giving me designer clothes.

Kimmy Schmidt from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Smart Midwestern woman with few real-world experiences and—you guessed it—an unbreakable spirit. Trying to overcome a troubled past by starting fresh in a new city.

Similarities: Smart, Midwestern, enthusiastic

Differences: Severe emotional trauma, complete lack of cultural knowledge from the last fifteen years, fear of rollercoasters

Goal: Befriend grouchy landlady and any aspiring Broadway stars in my building.

Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Eccentric, mysterious, and as stylish as they come. An opportunist with a taste for the finer things in life.

Similarities: Friendly, outspoken, enjoys eating breakfast

Differences: Likes cats, associates with mob bosses, has a secret past life/husband in Texas

Goal: Learn “Moon River” on the guitar and play it wistfully on my window sill.

Helga G. Pataki from Hey Arnold

Tough as nails bully from the block. Spends most of her time tormenting the man she loves and the rest of her time dealing with her terrible family.

Similarities: Aggressive, misunderstood, high stress levels

Differences: Daddy issues, mommy issues, sister issues

Goal: Find healthy outlets for any pent up emotions.

Kathleen Kelly from You’ve Got Mail

Sweet small business owner who finds her feisty side and also Tom Hanks.

Similarities: Loves children’s books, finally manages to “zing” someone and immediately feels bad for hurting their feelings, gets very upset when people don’t realize that caviar is a garnish

Differences: Spends time in internet chat rooms, judges people for having multiple typewriters, hates boats for no discernable reason

Goal: Open a children’s bookstore. Rally the community around local businesses. When that all fails, have awesome new career as children’s book author. Spend rest of life knowing you should resent Tom Hanks for ruining your life but can’t quite muster it given the fact that it is Tom Hanks.

Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

Smart, successful, and also a complete mess.

Similarities: love for mozzarella sticks, pizza, chocolate, cheese, and most other foods

Differences: N/A

Goal: Say yes to staying in more.

So there you have it: my NYC role models. Here’s hoping I learn from their mistakes and also make some non-fictional friends ASAP. In the meantime, I’ll be working on my night cheese.

Catherine Kramer

Catherine Kramer (’14) has a degree in English and works in publishing. Her continued existence is made possible by grace, warm hugs, and iced chai lattes.

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