Our theme for the month of June is “Celebrities and Me.” Writers were asked to select and write about a celebrity with whom they feel some connection.

I was introduced to researcher-storyteller Brené Brown by my college therapist. I was a young leader and a struggling, self-harming perfectionist who had read too much Jack Welch and thought that managing people was all armor and toughness and honesty. Secretly, I knew I wasn’t up to all that (I like making people smile), but I also had a drive in me to influence, and I wanted to do it through leadership. Among the many things my therapist gave me was this person and her writings, which gave me language around vulnerability, trust, and courage that I use often now in my role as an area manager. 

I know, I know, I can already feel the eyerolls of those still averse to vulnerability and wholeheartedness (I was one of you!), but stick with me, because I can also tell you that in the very gritty world of managing others, Brené’s (research-based) approach works far better than any Welchian forced ranking ever could or will. So, while recommending both her books and podcasts for the deep dive, here are a few of my favorite tidbits and how they’ve helped:

All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best.

In leadership and life, I’ve learned that starting with a generous assumption helps me to arrive at better solutions by creating space for curiosity. Before I step into a performance management conversation, this is my gut check. While someone’s best effort may still not meet important expectations, this keeps me in coaching mode, and even after coaching, when expectations are still not met, it keeps me compassionate in addressing limits of capacity. 

Don’t try to win over the haters: you are not a jackass whisperer.

Some people will be determined to misunderstand you. Others will be hell-bent on discrediting your work. This is not the place to use your energy. Smile and move on. 

To me, a leader is someone who holds him or herself accountable for finding potential in people and processes.

A couple of things here: first, leaders are inherently hopeful about human potential and second, leadership is mostly disciplined behavior that happens in private. 

I used to think that leadership was about identifying gaps in performance and pointing them out to those who couldn’t see them. What I know now is that most of us are all too aware of our shortcomings and equally ill-equipped to address them. Great leaders see our potential and get totally jazzed about helping us work around the roadblocks to our most radiant selves.  

I also used to think that leadership was mostly “front of the room” stuff, but as I move into positions of greater influence and autonomy, I see that the real work is having full ownership of my day and how much I will help, hurt, or hinder. Passivity becomes an easy friend, and nurturing passion for my work and my team is the thing that requires my first and best attention each day. 

Brave leaders are never silent around hard things.

We need our leaders. We need to hear them and to see them and to talk to them, especially when things are difficult or uncertain. The worst thing a leader can do when hard stuff hits is to disengage. Even when there aren’t any words, there are questions, and attentive listening beats radio silence any day. 

Choose courage over comfort, choose whole hearts over armor, and choose the great adventure of being brave and afraid at the exact same time.

Ah yes—sometimes we must do it afraid. And the only way to lead well when afraid is to lead wholeheartedly. The most difficult conversations, the most contentious negotiations, the most volatile customer interactions require our full selves, our whole hearts. You can’t expect people, in moments of deep vulnerability, to respond well to your armor. They will sense that your primary objective is self-preservation, and you will find yourself embroiled in conflict and tension on all sides. The wholehearted leader can remain curious when others curl up and, through that curiosity and the discipline to stay engaged, can solve real problems for real people, which is why we decided to lead in the first place. 

So thanks Brené—can’t wait to keep learning and leading with you.

Ansley Kelly

Ansley Kelly (’16) makes her home in Rochester, NY, where she delights in short, sweet summers spent sailing and long winters spent skiing at her favorite mountain. Between outdoor adventures, you can find her buying books more quickly than she can read them and indulging in mid-morning naps. She works for Wegmans Food Markets where she finds purpose and joy in feeding her community and the wider world.