Trigger warning: homophobia, suicide. This is a happy story, and I don’t have graphic descriptions, but please take care reading.
While I love my fiancé entirely, I like to joke that meeting Pattie Gonia was more exciting than getting engaged. To be fair, we had talked about getting married before, so I wasn’t particularly surprised when he got down on one knee. Meeting one of my favorite drag queens, however, was something I was not prepared for.
I was bouncing with nervous excitement as I signed a waiver, wrote my name and pronouns on a nametag, and got a sparkling wristband. My fiancé pointed out the Cheeto dust staining the one pride shirt I owned which I tried to tactfully cover up with my polaroid bag strap.
Once we were seated on the bus, I fidgeted with my hair tie wondering how much I’d get to talk to one of my heroes. As we arrived, a line formed and ended with Pattie dressed in a rainbow outfit made out of recycled North Face cloth and matching leg warmers. She was giving everyone a hug and pointing them towards the SWAG table.
I start wringing my hands, asking my fiance what I should say and how prominent my Cheeto stains were.
We made our way down the line until we were both standing in front of her. She opened her arms and gave us both a hug as she explained that everything is free on the table. I promptly responded with the fact that I’ve been following her on Instagram for years and that her work has meant so much to me. But in a really chill way.
She responded in a way that made me feel like she absolutely needed to hear that from me to which I again promptly responded with finger guns. She did them back, laughed, and said “Finger guns.” To which I responded “Bisexual finger guns.” As you can tell, I was not being awkward at all.
We then talked about how nice it was for queer people to gather outside in the daylight before directing us to the table with a free bi flag–colored fanny pack that I have worn everyday since. I was floating on air as I tried on a rainbow bucket hat having just had a really cool and not awkward conversation with someone I never thought I would get to meet in real life. And she didn’t assume I was straight. Even with my future husband in tow.
I love my fiancé, but as a queer woman, I’m scared that I’m forfeiting my place in the queer community by marrying a man. I’m not sad that I’ll never be with a woman or gender non-conforming person, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I fear that I’m giving up recognition from a community that saved me.
Part of this is internalized biphobia on my part. I’m scared that because I’m a woman with a man, I was never truly bi. But besides my own fears, the LGBTQ+ community can be extremely biphobic and erase the existence of queer people in relationships that look like mine because they appear straight.
I do recognize the privilege of being in a straight-presenting relationship. I know getting married will be easier. I know people will not discriminate against me because of my future husband. I know that we can hold hands in public without fear of violence. I don’t want to minimize any of that privilege, and I recognize that I deserve to be in queer spaces not only because I do not have a hetero bone in my body, but because loving myself as queer saved my life.
It took me eighteen years and kissing a man to confront my funny feelings around women. It took me that long to realize that when I was scared because I thought one of my gal pals had a crush on me, I was in fact the one who had a crush. Rewatching the Keira Knightley Pride and Prejudice and realizing that I am in love with both Lizzy and Mr. Darcy proved to me that I wasn’t just a little fruitier than the average straight person.
After the slow realization, it took me another year to learn that I could not wish away my sexuality or figure it out on my own. After a year of sel- loathing, and prayer, and reading and rereading a passage in Deuteronomy about God vanquishing your enemies, I was ready to give up on myself. I was suicidal because I couldn’t accept the boring truth of being queer. I would not be alive today if I didn’t learn to love myself and take solace in the queer community.
So when the drag show started in the pouring rain, and a bunch of gay people huddled under a tent to celebrate unabashed queer existence, I felt the peace of a community that I needed much sooner in life. I smiled knowing that my fiancé was there, taking pictures of my gleeful expressions as we watched the performers step over puddles in crocs, use their umbrellas as props, and laugh in the face of a world that is so vocal about their hatred of us.
Even though I have turned 24, have been partially out for roughly four years, and have mothered multiple emerging homos, I still feel like a baby gay myself. I am still unused to being in openly queer spaces with a majority of openly queer people. Shivering in the rain, I was reminded that though I did not emerge from loving myself unscathed, I made it out just the same. That even as I tend the wounds of years of self-loathing, I know there are spaces that recognize me for who I am. As my fiancé and I watched the drag queens take their bows, I found peace in the fact that who I love is good, and how I love is still queer
Kate DeHaan started Calvin as an engineering major and graduated (’22) with a bachelor’s in writing. She is currently working as an executive assistant for Mercer University’s student affairs. She also writes her own blog (LosingKate.com), practices martial arts, and takes full advantage of her apartment’s pool.
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This was truly lovely!
I really appreciate it!
LOVE this. So glad you’ve found peace and joy within your queerness. As someone who identifies as bisexual and asexual, with no real interest in dating or relationships, my queerness also feels pretty invisible somtimes. But it’s so lovely to find spaces where we can feel accepted and celebrated, even without wearing our rainbows on our sleeves.
Also, I want a bi-flag fanny pack now?
Thanks so much. My biggest hope as a writer is to help people feel seen and loved, so it means the world that you could relate tot this. ALSO, it’s from the North Face and they sponsored this event and I love it so much!