Unsolicited Updates
For a creature that technically does not have a brain, Clive has a great sense of dramatic timing.
Bogeyman
He lurks behind church ladies when they ask if I’m still single.
An Incomplete List of the Worst Book Covers I’ve Ever Seen
Listen, book, your aesthetic can’t be both “lazy Warhol knockoff” and “grandpa forced to take a photo at Ye Olde Wild West Land.”
The Tremendous Samaritan
You would rather die than have some people pity you.
Best of 2020, Part Two: Peers’ Picks
Is anyone listening? Does anyone care? Or are we just writing into the void for the satisfaction of our own egos?
Merry Bloody Christmas
Much of my problem with Mary stems from my own somewhat-fraught relationship with my reproductive system, which is to say that I hate it and wish that it didn’t exist.
Thanksgiving Prayer
For those who shout down ignorance even past the point of no return, who know we are less than two minutes from midnight and continue anyway.
November 9, 2016
The professor in charge of my primary tutorial would, in what conservative pundits would later call “a total snowflake move,” offer to move back the due date on that week’s essay.
My Coworker’s Cat Almost Killed Us Both
Fergie and the goldfish, thankfully, seemed unaffected.
An Open Letter to My Neighbors
Hello. You do not know me and I do not know you.
Holy Mola Mola
The scene, at first, is more akin to Jaws than Blue Planet—a silent silhouette from out of the hazy depths.
Ten Incredibly Specific, Fake Phobias that I 100% Have
7. Egochristicolaphobia — The Fear of Being Associated with the Word “Christian”
Memorial Day
Meaning, it turns out, doesn’t always accompany mortality.
Snail Saga, Pt. 3: Snails in the Shadow of COVID-19
There isn’t much I’ve enjoyed more recently than watching Clive—Clive Snails Lewis, to give him his full title—wrap his slimy self around a carrot.
Snail Saga, Pt. 2: Cohabitating with Tiny Corpses
When confronted with a dozen or so unexpected snails, one faces questions of moral principle one never thought one would.
My Favorite Color Is No Longer Purple
Six years later and I’m still using that toolkit at least once a month, but something has changed.
Snail Saga, Pt. 1: Carl Sagan the Ukrainian Mail-Order Snail
myhappysnails.com had assured me: “There is no smell in the place where snails live in.”
Tokyo Godfathers and the Art of the Christmas Miracle
Perhaps even more powerful than its familial themes and more impressive than its artwork and animation is how Tokyo Godfathers twists the rules of good story writing and bends them to its thematic will.
Frozen, Again
Like so many great dynasties before it, Disney’s empire is built on a chorus of tiny voices.
Second Person
After all, wounds weep before they’re healed.
X is for X
X is for kisses. X is for porn. X is your signature and where you sign.
Michigan Gods
I’m not scared of the gods that inhabit these places per se; I’m just wary of the humans who built them.
