I bought my copy at an over-stuffed used bookstore in center city Philadelphia. A slightly-worn paperback with a two-dollar price tag became the selling point for a book I was pretty sure Professor Hull recommended to me once. Even if she hadn’t, it was cheap and had the word “Newbery” on the cover, so I figured it’d be a good read on my day off or on the long car ride back to Grand Rapids.

Instead, it traveled back to Michigan in my bag, untouched, the only spine-cracking done by a previous owner.

For two years I carried around Walk Two Moons without knowing all that was waiting for me.

But even in those two years of seeing it on the shelf, thinking about picking it up, and ultimately deciding not to (foolish, foolish me), I was always immensely curious about the title.

On page 51, I got my answer: “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked two moons in his moccasins.”

The author, Sharon Creech, claims she found that in a fortune cookie.

My last fortune cookie read “All thing has a cause. Look into your pass for answer.”

Funny how fortune works.

And while I want absolutely every person to read Walk Two Moons (preferably, like, NOW), that’s not what I want to talk about. I’m still in the post-reading-emotional-processing phase, which is not very pretty or literary or articulate, let me tell you.

So instead, let’s talk about feminism.

Ah, yes. As much as I love this book and the saying from which the title is derived, I bristle at the use of male pronouns. But, with some necessary modifications, it’s a saying I’ve been trying to apply to my own life, particularly as I try to relate to and not judge other women.

I’m getting married. This is going to come with a whole slew of inevitable changes—not bad, just inevitable, now that we have decided to make this commitment.

One change that is not inevitable (but sure feels like it at times) is the name change.

Alissa talked about the (long, arduous, expensive) process last week. People have many reasons for changing or not changing their name. And many of those many people have put their reasons on the interwebs.

Hence, the judging.

I read their explanations and think “that’s not a good reason,” or “since when is that even an option?” In reality, I want someone else to tell me what the best decision is for the best reasons, and I want to be able to send a link to whoever fights me on that and be done with it.

If I decide to change my name, I want the right to grieve what I’ve lost.

If I decide not to change my name, I don’t want to deal with the barrage of questions about why my Facebook hasn’t updated, or if we even got married, or what name our kids will take (if we have any).

If my fiancé decides to change his name, I want to make t-shirts that say WE ARE THE KRAMERS just to spite anyone who thinks this is not an option.

If we decide to go with something hyphenated, I might get winded just trying to spit the whole thing out.

But, in the midst of all my researching and judging and hypothesizing, I have stumbled a couple quotations that I have served me well, as I try to reach my decision while accepting that others can make different choices on this topic without being inherently WRONG.

“Every second you spend judging a woman for making a different choice than you is a second you wasted.” – Meg Keene

“I believe that every woman must make this choice for herself, and that it is important not to let a respectful debate become hijacked by judgmental accusations about who is, and is not, a true feminist.” – Sophie Coulombeau

I read these and think, Oh. Right. It’s like the thing with the moccasins.

But I also believe this conversation, like too many “feminist” conversations, is desperately missing men. Remember what Hermione said: “How can we affect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feels welcome to participate in the conversation? Men, I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue, too.” Walk the two moons in our moccasins, and heck, we’ll join you barefoot.

My fiancé and I read Walk Two Moons out loud, together. The name change decision is not going to be an easy one, but it is one we are going to make, together.

Huzza, huzza.

1 Comment

  1. Katie Van Zanen

    Thank you for this. Seriously. Whenever I think about name changes, I think of a clip from the Daniel Day Lewis version of the Crucible: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb-dhzSPFiU

    No matter what you do, if people harass you about it, send them to me.

    Reply

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