Our theme for October is “Why I Believe.”
AN OPEN LETTER TO THAT WEIRD GUY JUST STANDING AND WATCHING STUFF IN BREUGHEL’S WEDDING DANCE
WHY I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE SHOULD STOP BEING SHY AND JUST DANCE ALREADY
First of all, what gives?
Look at all of the young, healthy, and attractive people in front of you. They are having fun! They are having the time of their lives.
You should be more like those people.
You should at least have an interesting color of manly tights.
But you don’t.
You are not even wearing red.
Now I can hear you saying that you simply don’t want to dance. Which is fine.
But look, if you don’t want to party, you should at least join the boring, non-dancing people behind you. This is clearly your group. You can talk about unsexy things with them, like how many fleas they picked off today. Or the plague.
Ok. You’re right. That sounds terrible. And anyway, this is probably that point late in the wedding when you’ve exhausted all small talk options, but it’s still too early to go home. That’s a thing.
That’s when all the fun and enjoyable people start to dance.
Or make out.
Like that couple LITERALLY FRENCHING right in front of you.
The fun sexy couple that is totally giving you the side eye and feeling really, really uncomfortable because you are just standing there.
Here’s an idea. Why don’t you go eat? Even just pretend to eat. Go pick at some sausage or stewed pig head or something. See, there’s an excellent conversation starter!
You can meet someone new at the dinner table and say “what excellent stewed pig head” and then become fast friends. Maybe you could even meet a lady, and she will say “thanks I butchered it myself this morning” and then you could give a delightful little giggle and then you—like all of the normal, well-adjusted people at this wedding—could ask her to dance.
But no, you don’t do any of those things. Instead, you are awkwardly standing there on the dance floor with your hands behind you in a pose that says “this is fine.” But it is not fine.
Look, all you are doing is smiling at those two musicians. Do you know how much musicians despise people like you? It’s awful to play fun dance music for a non-dancing crowd. It’s like making a big meal for people that really only want to eat salad. Those are not fun people. You are being like the not fun salad people who do not like to dance. For shame.
Think about the bride.
See, she is dancing and having a great time! She survived into adulthood! And she doesn’t have to wear a tablecloth on her head for once! Life is grand! Except there’s this one dude that’s totally raining on her dance party and he won’t go away.
I hope you at least brought her a really nice present.
Like a cow.
You had better have brought her a mother-f***** cow.
(Written with sincere apologies to Pieter Brueghel.)