What do you need?

What do you need?

What do you need?

This is the question, in all its forms, that is most commonly posed to me in therapy. My natural tendency is to fill the needs of others before my own, and I didn’t realize until recently how much it was killing me.

God tells us in the Bible to love one another as we love ourselves. Turns out I was for sure skipping the love yourself part. And feeling very holy for doing so.

I felt needed, but it was debilitating. An endless pattern of exhaustion, resentment, and anxiety.

Our culture is big into self-care right now. It’s a lucrative industry—buy this $750 at home sauna blanket, $200 light therapy mask, all the skincare, all the vitamins. Download this app to help you breathe air more effectively. Buy this watch to remind you to stand up from your permanent residence: hunched over your keyboard like a gremlin.

I’ve tried all the quick fixes, but my nervous system is still a far cry from calm. All the sleepy girl mocktails in the world can’t save me from waking up in the middle of the night. Instagram health gurus can’t heal my gut for me. A walk outside does make me feel better momentarily, but unfortunately it doesn’t fix my problems completely.

Asking everyone else what they need and bending over backwards to get it for them also apparently does not fix anything. Feeling needed and helpful is not going to save me from anxiety and depression—it’s going to cause it. Trying not to disappoint anyone will only lead to burnout.

What do you need?

Food, water, exercise, and sleep. A roof over my head would be nice along with a steady income so I can afford living and maybe sometimes set money aside to save.

What do you need?

Community, connection, forgiveness. A place, and people, to call home. And also chocolate.

What do you need?

Time and space to recover. I need to write. To look away from my phone and instead into the eyes of my dog. And my friends. And my family. And my boyfriend. To see, really see, the love that’s always been there waiting for me. To feel seen.

I need to see myself.

Olivia Harre

Olivia graduated from Calvin in May 2018 with a double major in business and writing. She now works as an editor in Nashville, Tennessee and is eating her way through the restaurants of her new town. She enjoys weekend trips with friends, petting other people’s dogs, and drinking coffee like a Gilmore Girl.