[Re: Again
Novus: New
Renovate]
28: a year of self destruction,
slow rebuild,
slow rearrangement, re
orientation, re
membering
re purposing, re
Claiming.
“This is our year,” they say it every year.
When it finally is, then what?
We won! We made it. …Finally.
Ahhhhhhh [Satisfied exhale.]
…Now what?
This is my year.
I’m here now
The job, the girl, the apartment, the roommates, the car,
the bicycle that I
bought in Michigan,
took to Chicago,
took to Boston,
Is stolen from my garage in Somerville eight years later. Chipped paint, rusted frame, scrappy ugly duckling that no one wants,
that carried me to bars and trains and friends and stories—it’s someone else’s now.
Things and people and places that move and
shift and change and challenge
I’m here, you’re there,
I’m here, you’re there,
I’m here where are you
And he said to them, “What do you want me to do for you?”
I’d like a new sweater. That’s all. And
Money
A house
A dog
A friend
A french press
A combined screenplay and book deal
And everything else, always, immediately.
Because I know what I should say:
World peace and
No hunger
No death
No hate
Heal that child, help that family.
Everything, for everyone, everywhere
But that’s so big.
“You do not know what you are asking.”
Does anyone know what they are asking?
I thought I’d be there by now.
Where?
I don’t know, somewhere better
What do you want?
I thought I thought I thought
I knew what I wanted
Do you have any kings?
Go fish.
I got what I wanted! Do you have any queens?
Yes.
I win!
I hate you. This sucks. You won not me.
When is the last time
You knew what you wanted?
And you knew that once you got it,
You wouldn’t be disappointed?
Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside.
“Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
And many rebuked him telling him to be silent.
BE SILENT.
But he cried out all the more.
Jesus said, “Call him.”
And they called Bartimaeus saying, “Take heart. Get up; he is calling you.”
And Bartimaeus threw off his cloak and sprang up and came to Jesus.
And Jesus said, “What do you want me to do for you?”
Pregnant. Pause. Maybe.
And the blind man said, “Rabbi, let me recover my sight.”
Because he knew exactly what he wanted, because he had wanted it for so, so long.
And Jesus said, “Go on your way, your faith has made you well.”
And Immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.
When I broke my neck in high school I commanded God to heal my neck
Seems God doesn’t take orders well.
Be thankful for hard things
For things that take too long
For things and people and places that move, and change, and shift
Be thankful for good things
For things that last
And things that don’t
Live a life of gratitude.
When will I start living with the knowledge that everything in life has influenced where I am today;
That nothing is wasted.
Bart Tocci (’11) lives in Boston where he writes essays, performs at open mics, and threatens to start taco restaurants. He’s been told that he looks like the kind of guy who stands up for what’s right. And who goes to the store before the party. Read more here: barttocci.wordpress.com
