Our theme for the month of March is “How to.”

Growing up in a sports-prone household, I have always been aware of the big clubs in English soccer. But despite playing as a child and always getting really into the World Cup (Hup Holland), I didn’t take the time to really watch much of the so-called “top flight” until 2020 or so. Whilst searching for ways to connect with the world outside of my parents’ house during the pandemic, aided by increased coverage on NBC and then my brother’s Peacock subscription, I decided to become a fan of an English Premier League team.

It was a rocky road. It took time. In the hopes that my wandering may aid those beginning their search for another thing to care about, I offer now some of the knowledge I gleaned.

My qualifications: I’ve chosen a team three separate times. Are my affections so easily swayed? No. The first two teams I picked were immediately relegated to the lower tier the season after I chose them and I did not possess the capacity to follow the lads beyond where US-based broadcasting could take me. Should West Bromwich Albion or Norwich City ever return to the Premier League, they will again have my well-wishes and support (until they’re playing the team that I’ve directed my affections towards in the intervening years).

My strategy: the club I choose cannot be too mainstream (i.e. either of the Manchester clubs, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, etc.). I cannot jump on bandwagons (i.e. anyone who’s won recently). Additional points are awarded for obscurity of location and degree to which the name sounds excessively British. Nice-to-haves: good colors, crest, mascot, stadium name, chants/songs.

My journey: West Bromwich Albion (aka West Brom) was my first love, chosen because of the length and obscurity of the name. “West”: directional, specific. “Bromwich”: never heard of it, but a very British-sounding place—turned out to be located in the Midlands (i.e. not London ergo not mainstream). “Albion”: a mostly archaic term for Great Britain that gets appended to the names of old clubs when they’re feeling poetic.

Unfortunately, they finished in the bottom three the season I gave them my allegiance and I had to start anew.

Norwich City came next, recommended to me by a trusted advisor after I explained my criteria. They too however were booted before I even really got to know them.

I dusted myself off and tried again.

I turned my eyes towards the upper middle of the league table, and there I found my firm foundation. A club that checked all my boxes, coming off of a historically good year and likely (unless my support proved to be a curse) to at least stay in the league for a bit.

Brighton & Hove Albion F.C.

The Seagulls.

A club with an ampersand in its name because it’s shared by two cities, neither of which are London. They haven’t won a trophy since 1910 and prior to 2016 they had been out of the Premier League for thirty-four years. They were perfect.

I’ve followed the Seagulls for the last two seasons, finally learning players’ names and having (extremely unqualified) opinions about the manager’s substitution strategy and the peerless performance of left winger Kaoru Mitoma. I’ve been with them through their 7-0 loss to Nottingham Forest and their back-to-back wins over Chelsea. I even have a t-shirt. Things are getting pretty serious.

But they may not be for everyone. We Americans, so removed from geographic affiliation with any of these clubs, must blaze our own trail based on whatever criteria we deem meaningful to us. I offer now a sampler of what some clubs have to offer to start you on your journey.

If you’re looking for the least British-sounding club: Aston Villa. Based on the subheaders on their Wikipedia, they’ve also had quite the arc: from “Victorian and Edwardian golden age” to “Relative decline and first relegation”, “Mediocrity and discontent”, and “Deep malaise and revival.” You’ll have some reading to do, but what history.

If you want to support an underdog American: Some years there’s a team with more than one US Men’s National Team player, but this season there are just four clubs with one each: AFC Bournemouth, Crystal Palace, Fulham, and Nottingham Forest. Hang in there, lads.

If you like Robin Hood: Nottingham Forest. It sounds like a made-up place, but they are a real team and actually doing quite well. They had their first season in the Premier League last year after twenty-four years in the second tier and almost got booted right back down, finishing just one spot away from relegation—but this season they’re currently third in the league.

If you’re into the cottage core aesthetic: Fulham. Cause their stadium is called Craven Cottage and their nickname is “The Cottagers.”

If you like Monty Python: Ipswich Town (Dead Parrot sketch)

If you rooted for Iceland in D2: The Mighty Ducks: Manchester City. They’re the rich team that always wins, plus their best player, Erling Haaland, looks like a Viking (he’s technically Norwegian, but he’s still definitely getting cast with that crew).

If your name is Chelsea: Chelsea

If your name is Hunter: Arsenal

If you like whimsy: West Ham United. Their name is a direction plus a food, their nickname is The Hammers, and their pre-game ritual is the fans singing a song called “Forever Blowing Bubbles” while blowing actual bubbles.

If you like James Bond: Also West Ham. The Thursday Murder Club series which is currently being adapted into a film will star Pierce Brosnan as Ron Ritchie and that character’s favorite club is West Ham.

If you really like pork: Fulham. ‘Cause that’s more ham than just the west ham.

If you like Shakespeare: Tottenham Hotspur. Prince Hal’s rival in Henry IV, Part I, Sir Henry Percy aka Harry Hotspur aka Hotspur is responsible for both the club’s name and mascot. He lived in the Tottenham region and according to Wikipedia, “was also well known for having a highly favoured enjoyment of watching cockfighting, hence the club’s badge symbol”—a rooster standing on top of a soccer ball. Not ideal, but as Americans I don’t suppose we have any room to criticize mascot choice.

If you like cherries: AFC Bournemouth. ‘Cause they’re called “The Cherries.”

If you like cheese: Leicester City. ‘Cause Red Leicester is a kind of cheese.

If you like Monty Python but not the Dead Parrot sketch: Also Leicester City (Cheese Shop sketch)

If you’re Team Jacob: Wolverhampton Wanders F.C., more commonly referred to as Wolves. They’re fun because they already have a nickname in their name (wanderers) but they chose to have a second one (wolves).

If you like Seinfeld: Brentford F.C. Cause their nickname is “The Bees” and Jerry Seinfeld was in Bee Movie.

This doesn’t cover every club but hopefully it’s enough to get started with, and to assure you that you don’t need to choose who you give your allegiance to based on something as arbitrary as where you’re from. Whether you do it based on something whimsical, historical, tangential, or arbitrary, the important thing is that you stick with them (until they finish in the bottom three and you can’t find any bootleg streaming of their games in the second tier).

Christina Ribbens

Christina Ribbens (’19) studied history, studio art, and data science at Calvin and public humanities at Georgetown. She now lives in the part of Virginia that’s almost Washington, DC where she helps award grants to arts nonprofits. She takes a lot of walks to admire the landscaping in peoples’ front yards, mostly listens to British comedians’ podcasts, and likes to make friends via sports.