Normally, my mom doesn’t give family members—or anyone for that matter—a tour of my bedroom. But when my uncle and cousin popped by for a quick visit, she told them about the very thoughtful framed poster my brother (the freestyling brother of my last entry) made for me for Christmas. This led to them wanting to see it, which is why my mom paused outside my room with them while I was in a coffee shop on the other side of town, unaware of what was happening.
“Before we go in,” she said to them as she stood at the threshold, “I just want you to know that the first thing you’re gonna see is John Mulaney.”
When Mom later told me what she said and how my uncle had laughed at the screaming John Mulaney tapestry that hangs over my bed, I thought about all the warnings that have been given to guests since that tapestry began to haunt the various places I’ve lived in.
In the fall of 2021, I was determined to make my room look more personable and reflective of my interests. Which included me looking up John Mulaney posters and decor.
Now, I’m not as big a fan of current John Mulaney but from covid to my early college years, watching old John Mulaney videos was like eating a warm bowl of tomato soup on a chilly winter day. It was comforting; there’s something about his distant voice, catchy delivery, and self-deprecating humor that makes me laugh every time. Not to mention his jokes are extremely quotable; the computer I’m typing this on has a “horse loose in hospital” sticker.
After some deep sea research on Amazon, I found a tapestry of John Mulaney screaming in the middle of one hiss arguably best bits to this day, the Delta Airlines bit.
I put it in my cart immediately.
Weeks later, the tapestry came, and we hung it above our wardrobe for everyone to see. The second you walked into the room, John Mulaney was the first person to greet you.
It took us time to get used to John’s presence. In the week after John’s arrival, we would gasp or scream as we walked into the room, startled by the stream of light that eclipsed John’s angry expression.
Tapestry John continued to scare people. Our friends who came over for a quick chat would jump as they looked at the purple-faced man on the wardrobe, RA’s would do a double-take, even I went into fight-or-flight mode a few times. Especially when I was coming back into my room at night after using the bathroom, and the only thing I could see from our night light was a shadowy figure crouching on top of our dresser.
Then the year came to an end, and the Mulaney tapestry ended up in my suitcase.
At the start of the next school year, John found a new home at my college house, and the cycle continued. When my housemates gave tours to visitors, they’d always pause outside my room and turn to their friends. “Ok, just so you know, you’re about to see John Mulaney, and it’s a little startling.”
Once again, I made sure John was the first thing you’d see upon entering my room, giving him a new perch above my dresser. Thanks to John, I’ve heard many gasps, startled laughs, and amused reflections like “Oh, man, that always gets me!” I loved the effect John had on people, how he became an inside joke among my housemates and me. It created another thing for us to find joy in, though he looks mildly terrifying at first glance.
I’ve been back home for almost ten months, and the tapestry is right over my bed. My mom doesn’t understand how I sleep with a screaming man right above me, but when people walk into my room, he’s the first thing you see.
Nothing starts a conversation like that.
Liana Hirner graduated from Calvin in 2024 with a bachelor’s in writing. She currently lives in her hometown of Aurora, Illinois and works full-time in a warehouse filled with books waiting to be sorted. Writing is her first love, followed swiftly by lattes and dark chocolate.
