Note: This post requires a robust familiarity with the hit TV comedy Schitt’s Creek. You can watch a clip of the show here.
Beluga Whale That Has Learned to Speak English: Live from the high-on-running temporal lobe of Gabe Gunnink, welcome to the thirtieth annual Golden Gabe Awards! And now, your hosts for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, David Rose and television’s Moira Rose!
David: Ummm…did you ask them to embellish your introduction? Because I—
Moira: Not now, David. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Golden Gabe Awards! I’m television’s Moira Rose. What a pleasure it is to see all of your vivacious visages out in the crowd tonight as we drop the curtain on another year. And what a positively spasmodic year it has been, David!
David: Yes. Spasmodic. You stole the words right out of my mouth.
This year has been a big one for Gabe: he ran the Berlin Marathon, he went to Austria and the Czech Republic for the first time, he finally saw Love Actually—
Moira: Movies were starred in, directorial debuts were flawlessly made, city counselorships were effortlessly maintained. Yes, David, a big year indeed!
David: Hmmm…yeah. It’s just—this is supposed to be a show about Gabe’s year, and those all sound like things you did this year. So, are we just totally tearing up the script, or—
Moira: Oh, David. A creature of the stage thrives on improvisation. You should try it sometime.
David: Ok. Well, I’m going to try to cut this short then and introduce our first presenter. You know her from the Café Tropical—
Moira: —and have developed a Pavlovian presage of singed coffee upon her approach. It’s Twyla!
Twyla: Awww. Thanks, Mrs. Rose. I have pretty crippling stage fright, so I’m going to get right to it. The nominees for Album of the Year are:
Album of the Year:
- Charli by Charli XCX
- Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen
- Iridescent by Ayoni
- MAGDALENE by FKA twigs
- thank u, next by Ariana Grande
And the winner is Charli by Charli XCX! I have to admit, my mom had a boyfriend named Charlie who used to let me keep his car stereos and laptops and jewelry in my bedroom for a while, so I was really rooting for this one.
David: Ok. That got very dark, so let’s get right to our next category presented by the very charming man I’m going to marry, Mr. Patrick Brewer.
Patrick: Thank you, David. I was thinking of singing a song to introduce this category—
Patrick: —but I knew my fiancé wouldn’t approve, so I’m just going to read off the nominees. The nominees for Best Song are:
- “Automatically In Love” by Carly Rae Jepsen
- “Into the Red” by James Blake
- “Next Level Charli” by Charli XCX
- “Santa Monica” by Ayoni
- “With You” by Cathedrals
And the winner is “Santa Monica” by Ayoni.
David: Wow. What a nice, normal presentation. Did we all see how normal that was? Let’s all try to follow that example.
Patrick: Thanks, David. But now I’m going to get back to the store because not all of us took half-days for this!
David: Ok. But I’ll have you know that picking out a sweater for this event was literally the hardest choice of my life, and I think that the results speak for themselves.
Patrick: Your sweaters often do.
Moira: As much as I enjoy this barbed premarital repartee, it is time for our next presenter. Please welcome the harmony to my melody in the Jazzagals and the assistant to my director in Cabaret, Jocelyn!
Jocelyn: Thanks, Moira. But I’m actually the director of the Jazzagals.
Moira: That ambition will get you places, Jocelyn. Keep dreaming!
Jocelyn: Ok. Well, as a teacher, I’m honored to present tonight’s award for Best Book, but as the mom of an infant, I’m just so happy to get out of the house, you guys. So, here are the nominees:
- The Charioteer by Mary Renault
- Grid Systems by Kimberly Elam
- the post calvin: Essays 2016-2019 by various authors
- Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston
- Sourdough by Robin Sloan
And the winner is the forthcoming post calvin anthology coming to an Amazon near you this January.
You know, this kind of feels like a shameless plug, but this is the first excuse I’ve had to change out of my sweatpants and Poison hoodie in a week, so I’m just happy to be here.
David: Thank you, Jocelyn. And now for our next presenter, the co-owner of the Rosebud Motel and recreation baseball league runner-up, Johnny Rose!
Johnny: You know, David, I’m also your father. You could have put that in your little introduction.
David: I’ll put that in my notes for next time.
Johnny: Ok. Well, I’ve been told that a podcast is just a radio show on your phone, so the nominees for Best Podcast are:
- The Daily
- My Dad Wrote a Porno
- Talking Green
- WorkLife with Adam Grant
And the winner is My Dad Wrote a Porno.
David: You did what?! Ew!
Johnny: What? Nothing! I did nothing.
David: Dad, this is, like, a black tie event.
Moira: Yes, John. Even I must agree that your libidinous prose may be a tad bit inapropos given the occasion.
Johnny: I just read what’s on the card! Plus I said “My Dad,” not “me”!
David: Well, my dad needs to leave the stage before he says anything else off brand for this event, so thank you and goodbye.
Next up we have the mayor of Schitt’s Creek himself and perhaps my exact opposite, Roland Schitt.
No hugs, please, Roland.
Roland gives David a hug.
Roland: David, thank you for this honor. You know, when I became the mayor of Schitt’s Creek, I knew it would be difficult living life in the spotlight with people taking my picture at the café and following me to my pedicurist—I need to get the calluses scraped off my toes professionally.
David: Ok. Ew, and no one does that.
Roland: But it’s moments like this that make the fame worth it. So, here are the nominees for Best TV Show of All Time:
Best TV Show:
- The Great British Bake-Off
- Queer Eye
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- Schitt’s Creek
- Stranger Things
Roland: And the winner is—I can’t believe it! IT’S US! SCHITT’S CREEK! YA-HOOOOO!
You know, I’m going to put this one right on my desk in City Hall, and you can walk over to give him a little smooch any time, Moira!
David: Roland, don’t you think that this award belongs to all of us?
Moira: David, let him have his moment. And Roland, thank you for your kind offer and please pardon my insouciance, but I believe I’m going to have my own keepsake with which to adorn my desk after this next category.
So, I would like to welcome to the stage to present the award for Best Performance, to my darling daughter, Alexis Rose!
Alexis: Daughter and publicist. And thank you. When I was asked to present this award—I have to be honest—I was a bit nervous. I haven’t presented an award to anyone since I was seventeen and Leonardo DiCaprio bribed me to sneak into Jamie Foxx’s beach house and steal his Oscar for him. But, like, I’ve grown a lot this year and—
David: Alexis, focus!
Alexis: Fine, David! Here are the nominees for Best Performance:
- Olivia Coleman as Anne, Queen of Great Britain
- Brooke Lynn Hytes and Yvie Oddly in the “Sorry Not Sorry” Lip Sync
- Kate McKinnon as Lindsey Graham, Angela Merkel, Nancy Pelosi, Jeff Sessions, and Elizabeth Warren
- Normani at the 2019 Video Music Awards
- Catherine O’Hara as Moira Rose
And the winner is—oh my god, I love this for her—Kate McKinnon!
Moira: NOOO! Alexis! No! Give it to mommy! First the Crows movie and now this! Have I not suffered enough?! I gave birth to you!
Alexis: Ok. First, let me remind you that I did not choose the winner. I can’t just read your name if it’s not on the card.
And second, you tricked one of the nurses into giving you a second epidural, so you don’t even remember my birth. Dad told me that they tried putting me on your chest afterwards, and I just like rolled off like an adorable little burrito, and one of the doctors had to catch me.
Moira: You were eight pounds, Alexis! What was I supposed to do?!
Alexis: Ok. Eight pounds is like not that much!
Moira: Well, I will not stand here and be persecuted by my own progeny at my own show.
David: Ok. Um. I hate to interrupt, but we’ve been over this: it’s not your show.
Moira shrieks and stomps off stage.
Alexis: Ok. Well, she’s definitely not coming back, so maybe, like, I should stay and help you, David.
David: I’m not sure that’s necessary, but fine. Whatever it takes for this to be over.
Alexis: Ok. Well, our final presenter is the cutest little vet you’ll ever meet. It’s Ted Mullins!
Ted: Thank you, Alexis. I don’t know about little, but I appreciate the sentiment.
This year, there were many people that made their bark. Sorry—mark! But one person came out as top dog. Here are the nominees for Person of the Year:
Person of the Year:
- Pete Buttigieg
- Billie Eilish
- Nancy Pelosi
- Elizabeth Warren
And the winner is, Nancy Pelosi! Or—should I say Nancy Paw-losi?
David: No. You shouldn’t.
Ted: Because she did a really good job in the im-pooch-ment this year.
Alexis: Good one, babe!
David: Ok. Well, before anymore puns happen, I think that it’s time for us to sign—
Moira: —to sign off for another year! Thank you for joining us, and we wish you many jubilant jollifications this season!
David: Ok. So, you’re back, apparently?
Moira: Oh, David. Have I not properly taught you how to craft a dramatic arc?
The nomination ballot is imagined by the only eligible member of the Gabe Gunnink Cerebral Press Association, who struggles for hours to choose only five nominees in each category. On the final ballot, the same member votes for one nominee in each category. Information concerning the final results is known only to the accounting firm of Gunnink & Gunnink, L.L.P. prior to today’s publication of the results.
Gabe Gunnink (’14) lives in Seattle, where he works for a European travel company and gawks at the landscapes and skylines surrounding him. In his free time, he enjoys practicing Portuguese under his breath on city buses, running far enough to justify eating an entire pan of cinnamon rolls, and faithfully implementing Oxford commas.