I know what you’re thinking, but no, this isn’t a post concerning the patented Sunday School answer. Jesus is God’s greatest gift. Today we delve into a more worldly, yet no less imperative matter. A topic that affects whole cultures. Its structure of such magnitude it deserves to be called the Eighth Wonder of the World. Whose intricacy is so complex the unschooled remain ignorant even when presented its beauty. No more. This is the Age of Enlightenment, and this mystery will be exposed.

I am speaking, naturally, of the masculine nod.

Called such, not because females cannot perform such a rudimentary gesture, but because its practitioners are predominantly male. Empirical labelling, not proscriptive. However, it is unquestionably evident that no finer method of greeting exists. Oft typed as solitary, unsophisticated, and disgusting creatures, men have developed an ingenious method of communicating with each other that reaches a level akin to telepathy.

Evidence doesn’t lie. Allow me a moment to part and parcel this glorious phenomena.

Consider current human social behavior. People interact with different individuals, some more pleasant and desirable than others, but there remains one constant in all of them: time. Time spent with them, time expended communicating with them, time consumed by emotional prerogative. Time is necessary to articulate oneself, to ensure mutual understanding without infringing or impairing an individual’s psyche.

Such a conclusion would be incorrect. The masculine nod fixes any and all problems by maximizing efficiency into a single, all-encompassing movement. All other conversations typically induce successive queries until satisfied. Even then, the process often proves temporary as multiple topics of focus emerge. Humans have so much to discuss even when they have nothing to actually say. Again, the masculine nod eradicates such a flaw by saying everything without saying anything. No further inquiry required when everything is covered.

The masculine nod, when utilized, may enact any one of the subsequent applications:

(Disclaimer: The following examples with their accompanying translations have been extracted from multiple studies but may not be exclusive or relevant for all situations or individuals. The sample is merely a representation of a majority of male figures as depicted by the data.)

(Also note: A variety of vigorous, assorted appendage slapping may transpire at any point during the male interaction. It is completely normal and beautiful. Be advised, however, that any interruption verbal, somatic, or material may cause irreparable damage to either party’s consciousness or social standing).

The simple salutation: “Hello.”

The familiar salutation: “Heeeeey.”

The simple valediction: “Goodbye.”

The familiar valediction: “Byyyyye.”

The classic agreement: “Yes.”

The unconventional agreement: “If I want this to end, I might as well say yes.”

The polite inquiry: “Have you seen _______? (insert the most recent occurrence of relevance, including, but not limited to, sports, weather, relationships, politics, current events, social media, general media, life events, and annoyances).

The imperious prod: “Do it.”

The judicious designation: “That one. Whatever it is.”

The tactical maneuver: “If I open my mouth, I’ll look and sound like a hooked fish.”

The confused declaration: “Got it.”

The disguised heartbreak: “Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me? Can’t you understand?”

The silent promise: “Should a fight break out, one of us will die.”

The mutual acknowledgment: “I see you there, my fellow dude brother man guy. I know. It sucks.”

The deferential bow: “You, sir, are a formidable figure who will not have your day ruined by me.”

The righteous endowment: “Nice.”

The respectful acclaim: “Everything you do is absolutely remarkable. Keep at it.”

The jealous consideration: “Hot damn. Look at him. Why couldn’t I be more like that?”

The scornful condescension: “Kneel, peasant.”

The subtle directive: “There’s poo on your shoe.”

The metaphysical revelation: “…Whoa.”

Such a protracted sample should be enough to propitiate some of the more determined skeptics, but it is true more research on the matter is required. However, these findings should induce excitement. To know that as a species, our social interactions are evolving. With such tools at our disposal, the possibilities are endless. One day, we might eliminate the need to discourse at all, and wouldn’t that be beneficial to us all?

Please assist humankind by divulging any variations of the masculine nod not encountered in this scientific journal. Give the great gift to the world: knowledge.


  1. Avatar

    What an important form of touch-free communication to utilize during these trying times. Thank you for your research and service.

    (I found myself trying out each different kind of nod with its accompanying facial expression and my coworkers started getting concerned. Thanks for the levity 🙂


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