It has arrived. After what seems like an eternity, Election Day is finally here. I feel compelled to write about the election, but I struggle with what to say.
This election has been exhausting on every single level. It has been like driving to work and seeing the same car-wreck every morning, but somehow it gets grislier and worse with each passing day.
Or like being blindfolded on a rollercoaster—you literally cannot see what is coming, but you can feel your stomach churn with each unexpected turn or drop.
Or like waking up in the trunk of a car—you really hope it is just a prank your friends are pulling, and you pray they open up the trunk and say “Surprise! Just messing with you!” but deep down, you know you are in some serious shit.
But really, it is most like listening to a four-year-old explain their dreams to you—it sort of has a coherent structure but there are all sorts of weird tangents and the kid is rambling and taking forever to tell the story.
“And then, the FBI investigated her again, but it was because of emails they found on Anthony Weiner’s computer—oh yeah, I forgot to mention him earlier; well, he is the husband of her aide, and he is from a different dream I had a few months back about sexting…”
Yeah, in my wildest dreams, I never expected Anthony Weiner to be the Chekov’s Gun of this election. Then again, that Hillary Clinton would be investigated by the FBI to begin with. Or that Donald Trump would become the GOP nominee. Or all the fear mongering about Russian tampering with the election (and while we are supposed to be afraid that the Russians will hack our election, we are supposed to believe that the results can’t be rigged). Or the blatant incestuous relationship between the media and political parties (Steve Bannon and Donna Brazile). And holy shit—remember how the Pepe the Frog meme was an example of Alt-Right racism?!
Russians, emails, and lies (oh my!)
So, go out and vote.
But don’t vote for Crooked Hillary—she can’t be trusted.
And don’t vote for Donald Drumpf—he’s a racist egomaniac.
And don’t vote third party—because that means you are giving the election away to the candidate I hate.
But don’t stay home and not vote—this is literally the most important election ever, and if my candidate doesn’t win, it will literally be the end of the world.
Go out and vote to Make America Great Again—because I’m With Her!
Go out and vote for The Lesser of Two Evils—the Sociopath or the Egomaniac.
Go out and vote—you nasty woman, you deplorable.
Go out and vote—simply so this circus will end and a new one will begin.
Paul (’10) lives in Grand Rapids with his wife, Emma (’10), and cat, HandsomeMarcoCat. He loves board games, Babylon 5, and honey-curry chicken. Everything else is negotiable.